My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

They are married. Does it matter legally if OP is not on the deeds?

Tell him pay more towards childcare then

When I was marrried my partner earned more than I did , so we added all the outgoings up (sans cars and mobiles) and shared them out equitably - I paid food, insurances kids, bills and they paid the mortgage - holidays were 50/50. Worked out fairly even.

Sorry but this is bs! If he doesn't like your decision (regarding who looks after your child) he doesn't get to financially penalise you. Especially when you probably make a good decision regarding the nursery.

Surely as you are married you are entitled to half should you split?

Call his bluff. Also I'd say to consult an attorney to know your rights, just in case.

ask for access to the online accounts. Unless you are technically challenged (which appears not as you are here) you should have access to all accounts.

from there and between the two of you, you work out a budget. Whether you create a new joint account which you both have access to, or agree x amount comes from other accounts to pay the way for the family, it should be fully transparent. No spreadsheets (can be manipulated) but just raw original data.

re the 300 pound expense to have solicitor ‘fix’ his mistake I say bollocks. If it was the solicitors error, they would do it at no charge.

did you not attend the solicitors office to sign mortgage and sale documents? Why didn’t you contact the solicitor immediately when you realised the ‘mistake’?

you’ve got to stop allowing your DH to manage assets and finances. Be more active and don’t be deterred by him.

if I was you right now, I would tell DH you are not going away until the financials have been disclosed in their original format as per above.

he is hiding something and you are enabling him to cover up by allowing extra time..

better to find out sooner then later. Then use the holiday to re-charge and take stock of your feelings and financial position.

good luck

You're a family, why is the money not shared in a joint account?

Give him an invoice for all the work you do at home. That's your contribution.

This. Plus whilst you’re on the Land Registry website I’d be tempted to pay a couple of pounds for the title to make sure he’s not put a mortgage or any charges on the house.

You dont have a mortgage so hes asking you to cover 2 of the biggest bills plus groceries... whats he paying for?

First comment nails it! Every week there’s a thread like this. It baffles me. You’re a family, you have kids. OPs earning capacity is reduced because she does the bulk of the caring. why should her partner get more free cash to fritter while she struggles.
Joint account, everything goes in, budget for all your bills, expenses, saving and holidays/trips. Then if you each want some fun money, you get the same amount each month to spend how you please. I don’t understand why a family would do it any other way.

I'm not in the UK so I don't know the particulars. Plus I'm jumping to the end to post this lol.

But there's some way to 'register your home rights' with some govt agency that I understand would prevent him from selling the house. Hopefully someone has already mentioned this or will be able to give the particulars.

OP, were you involved in the mortgage negotiations at all? Or did you transfer your share of the deposit to your husband? Fill out any forms?
Unfortunately I think you’ve been completely screwed over.

Not in England and Wales.

We have a bit of an unorthodox method which works for us. We have calculated the joint outgoings and personal essentials like debt repayments, phone etc so we have the same amount of spending money / disposable income a month. It feels fair

You need to look into and register for Home Rights as you're not on the deeds. Now more than ever as he could sell it without your knowledge or consent.

I agree!
Even when my wife was on way more than me, we just each paid X amount into a joint account that covered all our outgoings, except shopping.
Then we each had our own accounts that our wages were paid into. That money was each our own to do what we wanted with.

If we had meals out, one would pay one time, the other another, or if one of us had a bad month, the other would pay.
Childcare costs were paid half each.

All this putting in one pot seems very odd!

I need to mention @ZiggyNiko, always remember that Mumsnetters are prone to escalate things way further than necessary. Everyone of them that has divorced or had a bad experience would try to claim the doomsday scenario when something way more benign might be happening. Indeed, discuss with him to better understand your finances but it shouldn't be a battle. It should be a discussion between two grown adults.

I worry about alot of these comments because I wonder if these people genuinely handle their household expenses. They jump to really scary conclusions where simple explanations could suffice.

There is a lot that can still be going out from your husband's purse that when you see the statements, will turn out to not be a big deal after all.

1. You said, you have paid off the mortgage? How did that come about? Has he been overpaying for a while? When did you finish paying off the mortgage? Was it only recently perhaps you finished paying. I am surprised no one asked this.

1. What other bills do you have - insurances (life, house, critical illness), subscriptions, takeout or other outings?)

1. How much does your husband save and invest. Is he saving and investing for the two of you? Is he putting money into ISAs, JISA, SIPP etc.

1. Does he have other responsibility to other extended family e.g. your/his parents, siblings.

1. Owning a home, there is a fair bit of projects you folks could have taken on. Have you been doing renovations here and there. Are you factoring spend on those things too?

Be careful with getting marriage advice here. Those that have had bad experiences are more likely to reply and funnel all their past trauma into the comments. They will fill you with bad emotions and make you act unnecessarily out of character.

You know best the dynamics of your relationship up until now and why somethings may be as it is. We don't have all the information and it is normal that we would hear only your side. Before acting, it makes sense to go through all you are truly aware of and be objective about it. I repeat, these should be your decisions and not from a bunch of commenters that seem to only know how to solve problems through divorce. Remember alot of them are here basically using your thread for entertainment and nothing more. So being truthful to yourself is super important.

About making him understand why transparency in your finances is critical:

1. You need to understand your household finances because you need to be able to take care of the family if something happened to him tomorrow. Frame it more about handling risk. A husband and wife should be able to discuss continuity in the case something happens to either partner. Most people should see reason with that. You both should have emergency funds, both have a view of your savings and investments etc. I also say "view". It doesn't have to be all in one pot. Some mumsnetters are not very financially literate. Don't be quick to copy what they say without it making sense for your circumstances.

1. Following from the first, you two should be planning your future. You two should be making networth projections, understanding what your retirement would look like and what needs to be done to reach goals for yourselves and your children. You need to be a partner in executing that plan. He needs to sit up and play his part in planning your financial futures.

1. Having your name on the deeds can also be framed from an angle of handling risk. Property fraud isn't completely unheard of in the UK. It is harder to frame two identities instead of one. If he is lazy to do it, offer to do it for him.

Very random question - how long ago was it since you bought the home and when did you finish paying it off.

TLDR: Keep calm, discuss with your husband like a human being and don't assume the worst because of the herd on this site. Don't panic until the proof turns out to show something is wrong, then you can move on to next steps.

We have a joint account. My husband earns muchm more than me. But I still earn and contribute financially. I also do most child care/shopping/ cooking and housework - he does laundry. I can spend what I want ( I’m not buying myself fancy stuff) he doesn’t question what I spend. I’m not frivolous, i buy what we need for our family. He’d never question me. Our money, is ‘our’ money. You’re not his housekeeper/nanny. Tell him straight, he’s being unfair and it has to stop. Financial abuse, is a thing!!!

So DH! Went to a solicitor to complete conveyance of house purchase and solicitor should have undertaken due diligence called Know Your client and established he was married and his wife contributed equally to the deposit.
How was it then OPs name is left off the deeds? This is either negligence and OPs money not accounted for or DH instructed solicitor not to put wife’s name on the deeds.
OP needs to contact solicitors handling house purchase and demand to see the information they hold under HRA Data Protection Act. OP needs to find out if her contribution to deposit was actually ever handed over to the solicitor and if not is the reason why OP not on the deeds. If that’s the case DH guilty of theft. Grounds for divorce and return of this money.
First call CAB for template letter to solicitors for the file.

Why do you think women in an equal relationship should not pay half the bills?!
Odd!

We do percentage, so my if my husband earns more he pays a higher percentage and I pay lower. We work out the total cost of bills and mortgage and then work out the percentages, and each pay our amounts into a joint account which the bills come out of. At the moment we earn the same amount so pay 50/50.

Why the Hell weren't you on contraception, then?!

We have a joint account where we pay roughly proportionate to our income. Everything house/ family comes out of that (incl. hols, gifts to kids/ others, meals out). Gifts to each other are paid from our own accounts.

Charge him for childcare and housework