My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

I would even get sneaky and contact his employer to find out if he has been granted leave or not, to see if he's being honest about not being able to get time off to go away to visit your family. Maybe he has been granted leave and has secretly made other plans.

Sadly, from everything you’ve shared, this sounds a lot like financial and emotional abuse.
I’ve read all your updates, and the excuse that you’re not on the deeds because “the lawyer messed it up” is preposterous. If they’d genuinely made a mistake, it would have been fixed. And refusing to pay a likely made up £300 fee to sort it out, given what he earns, is disgusting - especially when he clearly isn’t contributing fairly to your life together.

You say he’s a great dad but lazy. I don’t think they go together. A good dad is involved, shares the childcare when he’s not working, makes an effort and wants to spend time with his kids, including going on holiday with them! The excuse that he can’t get time off seems pretty convenient too. Regardless, he’s clearly not being a great partner to you.

The fact he refuses to openly discuss finances is a massive red flag. He’s clearly hiding something, and whatever it is, the current situation is benefiting him while leaving you struggling.

Getting yourself on the deeds needs to be a priority. I’d also stop paying towards anything until you’ve protected yourself financially and reassessed how you’re splitting the bills. You’ve taken a career break, lost earnings and pension contributions, while he appears to be keeping hold of his money and leaving you to scrape by.

If you have any spare money, start putting it aside for yourself and the kids - so you have financial security and an exit strategy if you ever need or want one.

We have been married 42 years. From day one, we've had a joint bank account. We have always found it easier.I took early retirement at 60 due to health issues. My husband still works, he pays all the bills now. I am not entitled to any benefits as my husbands wage is deemed sufficient to meet our needs.

It all sounds very messy being responsible for certain bills.(maybe I am just old fashioned) It also sounds to me like you are getting the rough end of the deal. If you want separate bank accounts, I would suggest that everything is split fairly, taking into account that your wage is considerably lower than your husband's. Complete a monthly spread sheet. I would also challenge him about where all his money is going. Hope you get your finances sorted out. Money causes more arguments in relationships than anything else!!

Your husband obviously hasn't realised that he's not a single man anymore. The family bills are not his or your bills , they are both your bills. Your supposed to be a team. I would be very suspiscious of a man who doesn't want to discuss the family outgoings. He seems to think that the money he's earning is his pocket money. . You need a seperate bill account so that you can both see whats going in and out. It doesn't matter who earns it. I would try again to pin him down about it , but if he flatly refuses then seek some legal advice. Its not normal behaviour.

DH is a good dad, he puts DC to bed, does story time, cooks breakfast on weekends (I’m a SAHM so do weekdays) , planned our holiday around Dc being able to do fun stuff, prioritises spending time with DC above all else, gets to clubs to watch them, does school drop offs, definitely goes to parents evenings, performances etc etc,

He is not a good father, he’s a terrible husband to you. I just don’t see the point in trying to fix any of this. He’s bled you dry, destroyed your self esteem and also held back your career. He’s an awful person. Is this the life you would want for your own daughter because if you have one she will be watching this and thinking this is all normal.

At this point who cares if he’s cheating or not, he’s treated you and your children so callously I don’t see what there is to salvage. Good men don’t try to harm the woman they are supposed to love and cherish and they don’t try to harm the mother of their children. The idiot thought not putting you on the deeds would somehow prevent any claim on your part over the house when he decides to leave you. So he’s stupid as well as being horrible.

As someone who is married to someone who is generally a decent normal person I’m appalled tbh. Neither of us are particularly special or amazing, we just have a normal loving family. I don’t recognise a normal marriage in anything you are describing.

@Linnende you are entitled to ESA in your own right until you retire if you are not well enough to work. The first year is based on NI contributions. After that it depends on your savings and whether you can reasonably be expected to return to work. Look into it.

Why is your money separate, that is the question

He needs to come clean with his finances, not just tell you to pay more.

oh wow
I would not want to wait till I am back
He needs to show you NOW

there is something very wrong going on here

First priority OP is amending those deeds. That is not an error - it just doesn’t happen. As part of this financial review you need to sort that out - if he won’t then you go and see the solicitors who did the conveyancing. But be prepared to find out that it was not a mistake. In which case you will need to get your own legal advice.

it sounds to me like the relationship is dead, and that’s aside from him being a liar, a sneak, stingy and a shit dad. I would escape if you can, he is absolutely taking the piss.

Protect yourself and your DC by
” registering your "Matrimonial Home Rights."

• File Form HR1: Submit this form to HM Land Registry to register a Notice of Home Rights.”

This can be done free of charge. This will stop him from selling the house without your knowledge.

Collect and put in a safe place all the statements, bills etc you have paid. May be a very trust worthy friend or a bank safe.

Look after yourself.

I'd not consider it without him fully opening his finances to you. And then I still wouldn't do it.

I really feel for you. Sending you an enormous hug

It seems mad to me. I’d be saying absolutely not until you understand where his money is going. I think it would help to be more transparent with your finances in general.

I’m awful with money and my hubby is great / careful. I earn less than a 6th of his salary working part time for a small charity (to work around the kids needs). I’ve had years away from work due to birth trauma/childbirth injuries and childcare whilst he has been able to work consistently and get promotions etc. because he had me at home caring for the kids etc and he knows that.

In the beginning with just his salary we were skint but we’ve gotten more comfortable as the years have passed. I’ve been able to go back part time in the last couple of years and that helped a lot but even when I wasn’t working we still did things the same.

All income goes into one joint account. Bills are paid from this account along with agreed family expenses; kids clothes, toiletries, food shopping, fuel etc

Anything being saved as a family goes into another joint savings account. Sometimes there wasn’t much/ anything to save and that was ok (as long as we both agreed).

The remainder / balance is then split 50/50 and sent to your own accounts. Even if it’s not much at least you know you re both getting the same and it’s fair.

What you do with that money is up to you, Buy yourself new clothes? Great. Want to save it up for a golf trip? Fine

My hubby frustratingly saves up
and buys himself big things whilst I find it hard to stop spending on little things but that’s ok. It’s fair.

I hope he sees your contribution to childcare and how much value you bring to the household. Some people need shown the price of nursery vs how much you could earn by increased hours to see it.

@ZiggyNiko I really hope you're going through his bank statements right now.

it really does sound like he’s taking advantage of you here. And it feels like a red flag that he earns triple what you do yet won’t share what he’s spending the money on.

Get that excel spreadsheet out girl, get that man to sit down, and list what his monthly outgoings are. You’re a family, so you should be transparent with one another about what your outgoings are being spent on.

I earn twice as much as my partner so I cover more of our household and family costs, which I think is fair.

This is what we have always done and it's worked well. And, for what it's worth,I'm currently the higher earner.

my partner earns £4500 and I earn £1800. I contribute £250 to the joint account and I also cover our phone bills so I pay about £350 in total. I sometimes feel that I am not being fair but he doesn't ask for more.

This is actually awful. Why is he not parenting at all. ? Why is he not paying anything towarss rhe children? You need to get your name on the deeds now. Then decide what you want to do.

Op I haven't time to RTFT but I saw the post where you said that you dipped into savings to cover nursery fees while on mat leave and thought 'he's a c*nt'. Sorry you have ended up in this position.

Charge him for child care. Charge him for cleaning, cooking and everything you do for him.
May as well both be ridiculous!

I always find it weird when married people split finances like they're housemates. Just refuse to pay more than 1/3 of your salary towards any and all household costs, until he agrees to sit down and go through income/spending in fine detail. You actually have a right to know this because there is a child involved. What if you want money set aside for your child etc? So weird to marry someone and think you don't have to tell them about your finances. Just stay as partners/housemates then!

Again, what are you actually getting out of this creature? You get three times the housework and three times the food bills when living with any man, plus at least double the electricity bills. Decent men make up for this in other ways, he doesn't.

He wants YOU to pay for the privilege of having three times the housework, three times the food bills, twice the electricity and being unable to work full time while you mind his kids.

Plus you think he's cheating? This is getting a bit ridiculous now.

You should move back to Spain with your parents.

Read the OP’s posts. Her arsehole husband is absolutely a financial abuser.

Totally this^