My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

If I were you I'd drop it for now, have your time away, as soon as you get back book the solicitor appointment to get your name on the deeds, once that's done then I would insist you sit down and go through the finances, but get your name on the deeds first.

I’m afraid I gasped when I read this, it’s really suspicious especially given his high income. You must get this sorted even if you have to pay/borrow the £300 but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s much more complicated than that. I really feel for you, good luck.

You need the read all the OP’s posts before replying to threads.

I did apologise 🙄 maybe people should put all the info in the initial post? Childcare is a huge expense so why in her initial post did she state she pays “approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.” Surely you’d mention if you’re also paying childcare bills which from experience are really really expensive, probably more than the £500 she mentioned paying for groceries

You’re being financially abused. He’s obviously spending his money on things he doesn’t want you to know about! You either need to pay for the bills proportional to your salary, or put it in one account, pay bills from there and allocate spending money for each of you.

Is it possible that you do actually have a mortgage and he has been secretly borrowing against the house? I would be very wary as to exactly what he is doing and he seems to read like he is stitching you up.

The I don’t like the nursery so I’m not paying for it? Very convenient, same as you not being on the mortgage. Not he can’t make a holiday….. what exactly will he be doing whilst you are away? Is it possible for him to take more money out if the property then there is less marital assets to share?

I think you also mentioned a lack of trust of him to you. I wouldn’t tell him what I was thinking, but I would be preparing for the worst and registering your interest in the property and seeing if the property has a mortgage, don’t tell him though. You need to be smart as he might have a big head start and you will no doubt have dc to fund.

As the children are going to bed tell him to get all the statements and bills ready. He seemed to be uncomfortable when you said you would do it tonight. Keep the pressure on. He started the ball rolling by trying to get you to pay more. Turn the tables on him, tell him you are not prepared to wait, you cannot go away with this bothering you. Not an inch. Start asserting yourself. Good luck.

@ZiggyNiko id ask him for the log in details and look through it myself
All the money should go in one account and both have access to all the money.
You are rearing the kids alone so you should not be paying anymore.
Total up the bills and shopping for a month an you pay quarter.

Wow! Get your name on the deeds NOW ! Insist otherwise I’d assume he doesn’t consider you a permanent person in his life.

If you’re living a joint life (particularly with children involved) you need to have joint finances IMO. I think it’s the only way to ensure fairness and transparency for both people, as well as security. I’ll explain the best way I’ve come up with to manage the finances with myself and DP, we have one DS and I’m pregnant with DC2. DP works FT and I work PT. He has always earned more than me, even when I worked FT. We only started this system when DS was born and I was on mat leave. Before that we contributed 50:50 even though I earned less. I felt this was fair at the time because I still had adequate money and I was choosing to do a job I enjoyed with less responsibilities over seeking out a higher paid job with managerial responsibilities like DP had done. I now work PT since our DS was born, he attends nursery PT and on my NWDs I look after him. As such, we each contribute work (paid and unpaid) to the family 5 days per week.

How we manage finances: we have a joint current account, joint credit card and joint savings accounts. We both have personal current and savings accounts too. Both our salaries and any other income is paid into the joint acc. All household/family expenses go through the joint accounts (mortgage, bills, insurance, car stuff, holidays, childcare, all kids expenses (clothes, toys, activities), family days out, house maintenance/repairs, family/couple meals out, date nights, groceries, toiletries etc). If I need anything related to pregnancy/birth/postpartum (maternity clothes, nursing bras, pregnancy vitamins, birth ball etc) this is a joint expense as I’m only incurring this expense due to carrying our child) - within reason obviously I don’t take the piss buying crazy expensive designer maternity clothes.

There is a direct debit from the joint acc into our joint savings monthly.

When we set this financial system up we agreed a set amount of money we would each receive from the joint acc into our personal acc each month as our ‘personal money’. Crucially we each receive the same amount of personal money each month regardless of our earning. This is important to ensure the partner contributing unpaid childcare/housework isn’t financially disadvantaged. We view it as we each work really hard for the family, in different ways, and therefore we each get equal financial compensation. The sum we agreed as ‘personal money’ is supposed to be enough for personal spending (clothes, hairdressers, beauty, hobbies, socialising, holidays with friends, personal gadgets, personal meals out/takeaways etc) as well as contributing to personal savings accounts/investments. We reduce the ‘personal money’ when finances are tight e.g. during mat leave or saving up for a big family purchase/home renovation. Personal money is completely private and we are each free to be as sensible or reckless with it as we like!

We keep a finance spreadsheet and meet monthly to review and discuss spending from the previous month, upcoming expenses and check in on our savings & investments. I use the Snoop app to help me keep track of our budget.

Outside the finances we divide up childcare and household tasks. I mostly take responsibility for our family life admin (almost all child related stuff, organising household repairs, organising holidays, dealing with utilities companies, managing finances) as well as laundry, hoovering, dusting, mopping and meal prep for DS. I do pretty much all the planning, organising, researching, anticipating and ‘thinking’ type tasks for the whole family. DP does meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, washing up, cleaning bathrooms, DIY and garden maintenance. We have assigned days for getting up with DS in the morning, getting him ready, nursery drop off/pick up and putting him to bed. On weekends we share childcare so we each get a break and also some family time.

It doesn’t always work perfectly, sometimes things feel unfair with how childcare, mental load etc is distributed and there are still arguments and resentments sometimes but we put a lot of time, effort and communication into trying to create a fair and secure life to enjoy together.

It sounds to me as though you are being very fair and proportioned with everything including finance family, and work life balance. If he is refusing to go through his finances then he clearly can’t expect you to capitulate. Cards on the table and all that … which is not always easy

He sounds like a selfish prick with his head up his arse, where it should stay until he becomes a human being.

This is awful , finances need to be family finances .
All earnings go in one bigger pot , all bills paid , groceries , fuel , phones , car payments and so on .
Then all the children’s expenses , then an emergency fund savings pot .
What is left ?
Take equal amounts for yourselves to spend .
I am hoping you’re not in cheap clothes and never getting a haircut while he’s spending on himself

I don’t understand why married couples don’t have joint accounts

Op I found a thread recently on threads where a guy was asking about his wife contributing to bills. He said he earned three times her wage but was shocked she didn’t agree with 50/50 because they were living together and both sharing everything.

Women said you’re a big walking red flag, if she pays 50/59 and has nothing for herself whereas you have savings, money for a social
life etc.

Men said : gold digger, get rid of, women want equality but don’t want to pay for anything.

And I realised men actually do think this!! Yes they got a better job possibly because they worked harder for longer (because we step out to have kids) but they actually think we’re trying to do them over!

I don’t know what the solution is but while I don’t agree with him do remember people get carried away on mn and only you can figure this out, deal with it etc. x

What’s the reason for being mortgage free? Have his parents bought the house? Thinking he might be thinking “well I’m the one that’s got us no mortgage I deserve the golf trip”

You need to know where his money is going - cus bills maybe 800-1000 a month?
you are doing groceries and kids.
does he pay for your car and his cars? There’s another £1k
so that leaves £500 a week for him- is he paying meals out, health insurance, holidays etc

Get the statements tonight, print them, pack them. Tell your family what’s going on and get their view. Review the statements in Spain. Then make a plan.

I think you need to go to full time work asap. Increase your childcare hours. Speak to a solicitor. Don’t worry about whose name is on the house- you’re married. But you need to think about divorce options as he sounds like he is a shit dad and not trustworthy.

Financial wise, my situation is similar. I bring home £1600 and my husband about 3k. Never joined bank accounts, but that's the choice of both of us. Laziness maybe, never got round to it!

I pay all the utilities, kids stuff, my own expenses and he pays the mortgage and a heavier proportion of the food. Holidays are dependent on other expenses or how much the holiday is. Some years he pays the full amount, some years I pay half.

BUT, this is what works for us and we AGREE and are happy with it. If I was to struggle for whatever reason he would take on extra if needed. Regardless of where the money lands, a joint account or 2 seperate ones, it's still a household income at the end of the day.

No way of doing things is wrong. Doing things unconventional,like us, isn't wrong if it works for us or anyone else.

What's wrong is when you're not on the same page and you're pushed into doing things with your own money. That's financial abuse.

one thing ive learnt is men can do whatever with their money and were not meant to question it, i dont think ur being unreasonable at all x

My friend is now divorced out of a situation like that.

Turns out he had MASSIVE debts she didnt know about. Wasnt even paying the CT

Tell him to reduce his hours to do more childcare so you can increase yours to earn more to contribute.

LTB

Sorry to ask but is it possible your husband has a gambling problem or has racked up debts elsewhere? I think he needs to show you his bank statements. If you are going to have separate accounts then at the very least what goes towards the family expenses should be an equal percentage of what you earn.

Fortunately, under English and Welsh law, when a marriage is lengthy (18 years is plenty), especially with children from the marriage, you will be entitled to half of everything irrespective of whose name is on the deeds of the house. This also includes half of combined pensions. If your husband doesn’t start treating you better, he could in for an awful shock!

My son earns a lot more than my dil. They put all their money in one pot, pay all the bills out of that, and split everything else 50/50. My dil wouldn't allow him to take advantage just because he earns more. It's only fair. You're a married couple so all the income is jointly owned.

Sorry to say this, but your husband is being a pig. You have no insight into whatever he's doing with "his money" and now he wants to lean on you even more. The bill paying situation is entirely lopsided, and you are entirely correct. It isn't that he earns £4000 and you earn £1500. That's not how it works. You BOTH earn £5500. What you describe sounds like something from the 1950s!

You're not just married; you're supposed to be a team that works together for the benefit of the whole family. So NO, you're not being unreasonable. Your earnings should go into a joint account so that you both have access and visibility. The bills should be paid from the entire pot, and whatever is left over can be used for hobbies and family activities. If he has nothing to hide then he should be okay with this.