My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Sorry this is happening OP. He sounds a peach. What’s yours is joint but what’s his is his? Your contributions in having and caring for the kids mean nothing?

He’s stalling with the bank statements. I’d get packed to close that excuse then sit him down saying you’ll not enjoy your break without knowing roughly where your marital finances are sitting.

All the money should go into one account and then you should both have the same amount transferred into your own accounts to spend on yourselves. I insisted on this when we had kids as I knew I'd be resentful if he worked long hours while I looked after the kids then he had loads of spending money. If he refuses to see this and change then he is financially abusive and your marriage will suffer.

If you don’t have a mortgage how does he run out of £4k a month? Unless you have huge debt or cars to finance?

OP, you need to register an interest in the property by contacting HM Land Registry and request a Form UN 1.

Gather all evidence of your contributions and your marriage certificate.

This is so important to do.
He has deliberately excluded you, which is just more financial abuse.

I think he is probably not realising how much you actually spend on all the things like food and kids clothes/ activities. Id go through a whole month of expenses- both of you- and add up everything that is child or home related. Personal bills keep separate. Then if you bring in 30% of the income you pay 30% of the house/ kids bills. Each pay their own personal bills separately. Im sure after working that out he will realise he has a very good deal and shouldn't have brought it up!

Are you the last family still living in the 19th century? Who doesn't combine their earnings in this day and age? I think he's keeping you in the dark about his earnings and what he does with the money.

What about gas,water,tv licence,broadband,car insurance and services,home insurance,subscriptions ie Netflix,Disney,Sky,Amazon? Also petrol/diesel,MOT? Do you eat out,get take away,have weekends away? Who pays all this

Also abusive , best thing he ever did was cheat it took a few years for me and kids to settle now we are happier than ever , when your in the thick of it you can’t see the woods for the trees

Here's my take:
Optimum, it should all go into one pot, you are a family. But some people are not comfortable with this, for legit reasons, like they've been burned before. Next option would be that once all household, each of your and the childrens' expenses were out in the open and listed, you each pay a proportional amount, based on earnings, to cover.
Other:

• Under no circumstances should you go along with what he wants you to do.
• Is his £4000 and your £1500 before or after taxes? If that's gross, what is the take home/net pay for each of you?
• Who owns the house?

Note: If he is not wiling to sit down with you and establish/clarify all the costs of your overall household, this is a huge red flag: At best, he's immature and simply wants to do as he pleases, without regard for his family and what's fair. Or his finances are in disarray. Or he's in debt and hiding it from you (which is not good because as a married couple you will also be liable). Worst, he's paying for a side piece, or there's a gambling and/or drug problem. If I were you, I would be seeing what info I could find. Good. luck.

exactly this - you are a family unit not his money & your money.

@ZiggyNiko please could you let us know if you have any support around you? Family or friends? What about space and time away from the house? Do you get ‘kid free’ time for you? I have asked but can’t see that you’ve answered 💐

Oh I'm glad it worked out. It is hard when you are in the middle of it. I used to work with a lovely woman whose partner was vile to her. She was too terrified to know what to do. He took it to far one day and got physical and she came into work with very obvious injuries.

A group of young male colleagues said don't worry and they went home with her, one had a big van and they loaded all her stuff and kids stuff into a van. He kept out of the way which was fortunate as they'd have lost it and got into trouble if he'd started. We got her a holiday let for a month (boss put money in to help our whip round,)and she recovered so well when she was away from him, got herself a more permanent rental and went from strength to strength.

We were all so happy and the pulling together to help her was really positive for us.

Putting money into one pot, with someone who is financially abusive, just doesn’t work. Please can people stop suggesting it.

All that happens is that he spends her money too and leaves no money in the account, so she is worse off. Financial abusers just find more ways to be financial abusive. If and when she decides to leave, the abuser clears out all the money in the joint account, so she is left with nothing.

Fuck that! Me and dh have all our money in a joint account. We’re married, we have children together so our money is pooled and not separated into who earns what.

You earn 37.5% of your total take home pay so why not split the bills like that including days out, groceries, clothes. He may soon change his tune.

Time to say that youre willing to work out a new household budget so let's sit down and do the figures.

Push him on the statements tonight - it would take 10 minutes to download and email them. “I’ll have babysitters on hand in Spain so can carve out some time to go over them and come up with a plan”. This is logical and reasonable.
If he pushes back I’d ask if he had something to hide to which if he said no I’d ask him to prove it.

I think you realise by now, something is very wrong here.
He needs to correct the 'mistake' with the deeds immediately.
And you need to see his bank statements; with no mortgage I cannot fathom where all his money will be going if you take on the bills he has asked you to.

We don't have all of our money in one pot as that doesn't suit us, but we do both contribute to one shared account for all family household bills. We work out our contributions proportionally so all is very fair. Could you do something similar?

You need to go through your finances together. You both need a bit if spending money & a holiday ‘pot’. Seems odd you have seperate money and designate certain bills to each other.

Yes.
Also you said you have no mortgage and sorry if I have missed it or silly question but do you pay any rent? Service charges?

If you’re married, does it matter that your name isn’t on the deeds? Presumably, you can also show that you paid half the deposit.

I don’t want to make light of his bad behaviour, mind- but I ask to see if you can set aside any worry about that aspect of it. I hope the marriage is protection for you!

We also do this which for us equates to roughly half our wages respectively a month going into the joint account (we have a mortgage). We take it in turns to do grocery shopping from our own money though, just have always done it that way. And DH, who earns roughly double what I do, mostly pays for extras like family treats / food, drink out at weekend etc.

This would be my stance too. Unless he is open about finances then don't change anything.

I know exactly what my husband earns and what the bills are. We have separate finances but we both know exactly what each other pay out and earn. We have nothing to hide.

If you are doing more of the childcare THAT is your share of the bills too. Unless he wants you to go back to work full time and he can cover the childcare costs

First of all it is not a lawyer who deals with property deeds it’s a conveyancing solicitor. Secondly how the hell did that even happen? You must have signed some paperwork when buying the house if you provided half the deposit. Solicitors need a paper trail of where the deposit is coming from. For example, my mother in law lent us £3000 towards our deposit and she had to complete and sign a gifted deposit form. Even though she sent the money to our account and we sent it to the solicitor ourselves. It’s part of evidence to prove there is no money laundering. If you paid some of the deposit you must have at least had to sign a deposit form?

And also the solicitor usually checks if you want to be joint tenants or tenants in common. And the % of the property each person will own. Again, that all has to be signed by both parties. Are you sure he’s not gaslighting you into believing you don’t have any share in the home?

Edited to add: If you are married and you did not sign any prenup agreement then actually you do own some of the house in the eyes of the law and in divorce proceedings, especially with children involved you would likely be awarded your share.