My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

We base our payments on the percentage of the joint income each of us contributed . So - I earn 40% of our joint income and pay 40% of all bills Except I tend to pay 50% for some stuff!

I have been in your position, and I thought I was the unreasonable one. My daughter is now 18, the parasite (& he WAS a parasite - my unpaid labour helped him increase his income by about 10x what it was when we first got together) is long gone, and I will probably never recover financially.
I gave more than I could reasonably afford, he gave less. He had golf club memberships, I had to ration sanitary products. He has a pension, I have none.
Please, don’t be me, I accepted it for far too long, but I recognise it for what it is now - abuse. There are only two options, call it out or get out, but whichever you choose, DO NOT let yourself be convinced that you deserve less of the family finances because your work was unpaid whilst he got paid x

Have you posted about this many times before? It sounds very familiar

Do you know know your monthly outgoings as a family? I’d want to see his payslips based on this I’d say he’s maybe earning more!

Sadly I think you need to threaten to not go if he doesn’t go through the statements with you tonight.

Tell him you are already considering not going because of the hassle of traveling on your own.

Don't you think if lack of trust has got that far it's game over for the marriage?

Oh god this sounds like my EX husband , 25 years 3 kids , found out he had a massive cocaine and gambling habit and was also cheating , don’t bury your head in the sand please you need too demand bank statements mt ex had blew over 200 k

As soon as you can get a charge on the property using Form HR1 from the Land Registry. Not being "on the deeds" doesn't mean you have no rights to it.
It's the family home and in a divorce you will be entitled to a share of it.

He's not going to stop paying the house bills. I'd tell him Good luck with that :)
You are married, You're One.

You shouldn’t be poorer than your husband. You should pool your finances. Pay out all the bills, put some in savings, then split the remainder equally

And us. Well we are more relaxed about it after 40 years so in April I said council tax has gone up and water rates are the same he said his standing order for gas/electric/internet had gone up. He was X amount out of pocket more than me but his pension went up more than mine so he transfers me y every month to keep the balance fair.

He’s actually threatened me before that if he can’t afford the bills, we’ll have to sell the house and buy a smaller one. He doesn’t seem to care about uprooting the kids’ lives.

I’ve got a feeling he may end up ruing the day he brought this up.

My ex husband was also very secretive with his banking and expected me to pay more. In the end he was forced to disclose 12 months worth of bank statements as part of our divorce. I am glad I left him.

Your H sounds similar. Do not accept his gaslighting behaviour. Insist that he shows you 12 months worth of bank statements, not just the last month! Ask him to print every one of them out. If there are transfers to a bank account you don’t recognise, ask where that money went. He may have hidden accounts but by not showing you his statements until you are back he thinks he can fool you.

Don’t worry about your name not being on the house. You are married so what is his, belongs to you equally. He might think he’s been clever but in the eyes of the law, whose name is on the deeds is irrelevant when you are married.

God you had the lot, gambling, drugs and women. It frightening how quickly money can get wasted. My husband is a spender, mostly on junk he doesn't need, but he only spends what he has so no debt. Lots of clutter though.

I'm a bit late to this and see that the issues may extend beyond the simple question of the £500 nursery fees. But if I’ve understood correctly he wants you to swap the £500 that you were paying for nursery fees into a £500 payment for bills. In other words you end up no better off but he has to find £500 less each month. Regardless of the fairness or otherwise of the share of bills, I cannot see how it could possibly be fair that he ends up with all of the benefit and you get none!

Hi op he doesn’t think of sex but happy to accept bj nothing here about what you want. Do your needs not count? If you stay until kids grow up get used to the lies, abuse and bullying. The deeds are your priority he’s lying about the mistake so you tell him to ring the solicitor to get this done by the time you get home do not give him more excuses to lie to you. You wouldn’t be the one breaking up the family he is your just being the bigger person not accepting his crap any longer. If it was your dd would you tell her to put up and shut up!

She's paying childcare, all food, all children's expenses and there's no mortgage. That leaves utilities and council tax, assuming they pay their own cars and phones.If council tax and electricity are £500 a month, then water, gas, broadband and any streaming plus insurance are left. Combined, there is zero chance they will exceed the costs he wants her to carry. None.

He earns more than twice what she does and does not pull his weight.

OP: class F land charge against the house. That protects your marital share.

I'm afraid your marriage sounds completely dead. You would be better off in every way - finances included - without him, surely?

However much you love your second child is immaterial.
There was coercive control in you having him.
I suspect to keep general control of you and to continue to financially control you.

Coercive control is a crime.
Please educate yourself.
Join the dots.
Tell your family.
You will likely need legal advice.
He has been committing the crime of Coercive Control.
If you talk to Women's aid, and they advise you to report him, you may be eligible for Legal Aid.

This is not a good man.

I wonder if he is gay.

This. And without your name on the deeds, he has full control. How do you know he hasn’t already remortgaged and left you in a ton of debt?

My DH are near enough on the exact same income as you both. I also work 3 days. Only thing I pay for is childcare and kids clothes, clubs, days out if it’s just me and the kids etc. DH pays for everything else. Holidays are paid for mostly by him. I might continue to airport parking, bit of spending etc but that’s it. He still has more than twice the disposable income I do. It does mostly get spent on the family. We are talking about putting it all in one account but unsure if we will or not yet.

I think it is time to look at whether you would be better off without him. It doesn't sound like he values you and the kids or does anything to make your life easier.
Even if you don't feel ready right now, once both children are in school it will be much easier for you to work and earn more...

Out of curiosity why were you paying for your older child’s nursery when you were on maternity leave? Don’t pre school children get X amount of free hours anymore?

Apologies none of that was in her original post. I thought she was just paying for groceries and the odd bits for the kids. She definitely did not mention childcare costs in the original post. Or the fact they are mortgage free. I stand corrected, you are not being unreasonable OP