My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

He should not be spending £600 a month on a car lease if he only earns £4K. It’s plainly too big a proportion of his earnings.
How much are you both saving towards pensions, OP? That’s important.

Op sorry if it's been mentioned.

You need a joint account where his salary goes and then it needs to be put into essentials pots
Monso and starling are brilliant for this .

First total all essential bills.
Then work out monthly food and petrol bills.

From what's left work out what you can and want to contribute . As an example I pay 150 per month to holidays and Xmas pot , DH contributes 200.
We do this for all extras like birthdays. School costs , children's clubs and so on.

It makes everyrhjng so easy and every penny is accounted for.
What is left after bills , child funds ,Xmas and so on savings ,investments is then left over and that's you both split for you both.

Agree that's insane !
My car is old and sometimes costs me 600 a year!

My ex was squirrelling away money into savings accounts that I didn't know about. They can hide money in pensions/investments too.
The good news is that in the divorce, I got half.
The bad news is that if he's in debt (unlikely I think) but if he is, you share half of that too.
So it is essential that you do find out what is happening to all this money.
As a side note, you are sounding stronger now. Hope the women of Mumsnet have helped you!

Yes this man is appalling, but OP where is your spine??
How have you allowed him to dictate the financial aspects of your marriage and life?
18 years knowing you weren’t on the house deeds?
Accepting that you alone pay for nursery, because he didn’t like that one.
He has taken you for a fool and you need to stop enabling him to do that.
If you want to stay married to this deceitful man, then get some professional financial advice and act upon it.
Me, I would be long gone, taking 50% of the house equity with me.

Did you not notice that you were not signing anything when you bought the house?
Was this your first house? Did you have your own house etc before?

You're an accountant mother of God 🙈

I'm of the opinion that if you're a family, finances need to be pooled.
And this all sounds particularly dodgy, you need complete clarity of the finances before you agree on 'who pays what'.
The fact you aren't at least sharing every single cost associated with the children is crazy to me.

Totally agree

REgister your home rights now. Today. Do not wait.

I wouldn't be surprised if you find your things have been packed and moved while you're away since you've essentially called him out on his financial abuse (by asking to see where his money is going after demanding you pay 50/50 even though he's the higher earner, put the house in his name only even though you paid 50/50 on the deposit, etc)... I honestly think this is why he 'suddenly' can't go with you.

I'd actually try to cancel and stay put, tbh ... don't tell him, just be home on the day you were supposed to leave ... his response will be very telling.

Get a good divorce solicitor. And probably a forensic accountant.

Be very careful around him OP. If he's been upto no good he will be furious that you may have rumbled him and may turn very angry and aggressive toward you. Be on your guard.

He already refuses to pay for childcare, what makes you think that will change so OP can go full time? He also pushed for a second child when OP wanted to return to work, so dont even try to act like hes some hard done by victim here, he knows exactly what hes doing.

Hi op unfortunately another selfish controlling bastard. Once you get back if he doesn’t show you the bank statements tell him you will get to see them in the divorce and the house will have to be sold because you have your proof that you paid the same money as him. I’m afraid he is abusing you the fact he’s happy to do oral but not penetrating says he doesn’t want to have sex with you I would be literally not doing anything with him and seeing a solicitor on your return. Just an excuse to avoid your holiday and be a dad and husband bullshit.

@ZiggyNiko I would be concerned he would use to time you are away for dissipation of assets so that if your eyes are opened and you ask for a divorce, you don't get your fair share.

You may know what this means, but in case not - he could give money away to family or friends (that they'd later give back), put money into trusts, investments, send it abroad.

I would suggest reading the page below and taking action.

https://cunningtons.co.uk/dissipation-assets-divorce/

OP, it's time for some harsh truths.
There is a power imbalance here. Your husband weaponises money - he won't pay for a nursery because he doesn't like it. (But there's also a separate question about why you send your DC to a nursery that DP isn't happy with).
He's tricked you into not having your name on the deeds. He is evasive when asked about finances. He contributes unequally. He's a piss poor dad.
But...
You've let this happen. You're an intelligent and educated woman with a background in finance. Why on earth didn't you do something about this?
It sounds like you've been putting your head in the sand for years. Well now it's time for action, for your own sake and also for the benefit of your children.

I'd start the process to protect yourself now.

If OP is in Spain DH can live the bachelor lifestyle for a bit.

You’re a family, why not all in one pot? I couldn’t honestly be married to someone that behaves like this

What about mortgage or rent? How much is that ?

@ZiggyNiko

But the way he’s handling this is certainly making me question myself and making me feel like I’m being treated as though I don’t know what I’m talking about.

If you think he seriously thinks that, good!! Let him think you don't possess the knowledge to understand that 2+2 = 4. Let him try to bamboozle you. Nod along until he's given himself enough rope, then hang him (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Have you given a thought to how you want the finances to work? Pro-rata according to income? Completely joint or separate with a joint for monthly expenses? Divvy the bills so each is responsible for the same amount from separate finances? And especially, how do you want childcare and child expenses handled. Because those should be 100% joint, even 50/50 as DC are jointly yours. It may be a good time to 'submit your proposal' if he goes into panic mode. And if you want, let's throw an equitable division of household labour into it, shall we? Let's give him a double rush of shit to the heart!

On the downside, have you thought about what you may want to do if it turns out he's been blatantly lying to you about where his money goes? If you haven't, there is nothing wrong with standing up after the discovery and saying "I am too upset to deal with you now. I will let you know what I think after I've had a chance to really digest what you've done".

OP, you MUST register your home interest before you leave the country. I dread to think what you’ll come back to.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

My heart breaks for you @ZiggyNiko

Brace yourself for him trying to divert you from the topic with bringing up old arguments, denials, lies, raised voice even.
He has been living the good life off you. He might fight dirty to keep it. He might try to confuse you, hint at ultimatums, try emotional blackmail.

I have never met anyone throw their hands in the air and admit they have been a parasite, leeching off someone elses labour.
You want what is fair, right and just. He wants to have it all.
Very best of luck, I really, really hope I am very wrong.

I asked him to go over the statements tonight, after the kids have gone to sleep, but he said I should be packing because it’s rushed and that he’d rather do it after I’m back. It’s made me feel even more suspicious now.

All I’ve heard for months is him spending all his pay and dipping into savings, while also wanting me to take on more bills. But now that I’ve asked him to show me the statements, he’s saying he’d rather do it after I’m back. Something feels wrong, and I’m honestly just really sad about all of this. The fact that the deeds don’t have my name on them is just the cherry on top.

Oh op this isn't good, stick to your guns,
Have the house hold out going ready, along with childcare cost, play centre, swimming lessons, all ready for him, pin him down,