My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Tell him you will pay, but it's SEPARATE BEDROOMS FROM NOW ON..

Talk to a lawyer asap regarding the deed of the house ... Getting it rectify is totally worthy of 300 pounds! I really hope there is nothing fishy but it all sounds so so wrong. Sending you strength!

OP, if he pushed you to have a second child it rather sounds as if he wanted the control that he inevitably has in the relationship by keeping you a low earner. If you’re an accountant, why not go back to work full time or four days so you earn enough to live on in your own right, can save for a proper pension etc?
And yes, he can’t expect you to contribute more to the finances without being transparent on spending, You have the trump card here so play it - no further contribution until you have full transparency. The holiday thing raises big red flags with me as well, and no sex for 2 years? That’s not the sign of a healthy relationship I’m afraid. Good luck…

Something feels very off - I would be slightly concerned that he might wipe out his account whilst you are away.
I would try very hard to at least see a statement before you go

Tell him you've got plenty of time to pack, and that sorting the finances is important and you want to do it tonight.

I'm glad you're going to look at the spreadsheets and statements together because this does sound like financial abuse to be honest. I wouldn't have a joint account with this man but I would expect to be paying pro rata into a bills account. You do, after all, have your income negatively impacted by your caring duties.

The house being in his name only is very suspect.

I would also be contacting the Land Registry to make sure he can't just sell the house, or take out a loan etc.

This is horrible. You should both be pooling the money from both of your salaries, the bills and all other expenses are paid from the joint pot, calculate what’s left and divide it I half for “spends”. I’d then save as much of that as I could so you have an exit strategy for the future. He is being a dick.

I would be explaining that it’s a different kind of packing that is about to happen if he doesn’t start showing you.

I didn’t think it was unreasonable until all of the updates. My vote is going to be another woman he is paying for

Everything in one pot.
All bills and expenses out of the one pot.
Anything remaining is split 50:50

It doesn’t matter if one of you earns more. You are married. You are meant to be a partnership. No way should you be paying for all of this. Why does he get money to do thing for himself whilst you struggle? He is being controlling, it’s not okay!

Write down all your household bills - not his golf club membership or fees or your hairdressing bills, exclude strictly personal things , but your kids expenses should be included. Your income is 25% of his , tell him in future that’s what you’ll be contributing to household expenses . End of . If it’s better find bills that total that amount to make it easier. You should have three accounts, yours, his, household . Make standing orders from each personal account to the household account and you need never have this conversation again .

He may have a mortgage on another property he's renting out of course.

If my DH told me when to pack I'd think it very odd men aren't known for noticing practical matters like that.

I never ever understand why couples do this.
The money goes in one pot, you each have a monthly allowance and the rest is family money.
That is what is fair regardless of how much you each earn.
You need to have a proper conversation with your Husband

Yes, you need to register a claim on the house so it can’t be sold without your knowledge:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

Register matrimonial home rights over your house ASAP. You may find out he’s already remortgaged or secured other loans on it, but at least you can prevent any more.

Married for ,40 years. I like having my own money and so does he. He pays some stuff and I pay other stuff and it works out fair but I'm not putting my money in a pot. We were both married before, both lost out as ex's ripped us off. Can't see it's a problem as long as it's fair. He's a spender I'm a saver I have ten times as much as him in savings.

I'm an adult, I'm not going to have an allowance like a child.

So if you currently pay all the money for childcare and your children's activities/clothes etc all the food and now he wants you to pay council tax etc...what will he actually be paying for??? Please please get your name on deeds. He is financially abusing you

Unless this is your preference, which from the tone of your message I think it isn't, these would stop immediately

I don't think it's that simple as the mortgage must be in his name, if there is a mortgage. Maybe it's changed but I know when we had a mortgage you needed to both be on the mortgage to be on the deeds. Solicitor said it was because if the one with the mortgage defaulted it made it difficult for the bank to repossess as the joint owner who wasn't on the mortgage wasn't in default.

I'd be telling him you are all ready and prepared for your holiday and would much rather get this sorted before you go. Insist.

In fact I would tell him that you are so worried about money and what you can afford while away that you are thinking of not going and have found you can get a refund / flexibility on the flights.

His response to that will be very revealing, I think.

You don't need a solicitor to add your name to the Deeds.

You can do it via a Transfer of Equity form on Gov.Uk - assuming you are in the UK.

Registering land or property with HM Land Registry: Change the registered owner name - GOV.UK

As an accountant you will be fully capable of supporting your DH to do this.

The more and more I think about all this, the more I think he’s paying sex workers. I wonder how he’s going to explain the cash withdrawals if there end up being a lot of them. That would explain the lack of sex for nearly two years, as well as the comments about my weight. I have put weight on and I’m struggling to lose it at the moment, but him avoiding sex just makes me feel like shit.

This is genius level negotiating 👏👏👏

Since having the kids, he’s always made me feel like shit by saying that he brings in more money. But why does he bring in more? Because I’m the one looking after his kids. He’s always made me feel small because I earn less, and I feel like he loves having that sense of power over me.