My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I’m going away in a few days, so he suggested we deal with this when I’m back.
I’m not going to rely on his spreadsheet alone, I need to see the bank statements. If he’s refusing to show them, then I have to assume there’s something he doesn’t want me to see. I’ve also made it clear that I’m more than happy to show him my statements too.
And, as many of you suggested, I won’t be paying for anything else until I’ve seen the statements and I’m officially on the deeds.
I’ve worked hard for my career and I’m an accountant, so I like to think I’m not exactly naïve when it comes to finances. But the way he’s handling this is certainly making me question myself and making me feel like I’m being treated as though I don’t know what I’m talking about.

You're an accountant?? 😱

You've defined 'bad dad'.

This is nonsense. The husband has been lying and financially abusing his wife.
Yes she could work more hours if the younger child is in nursery but it sounds like the husband is a lazy arsehole and isn't going to parent.
Hell be hiding money and probably has a OW already. Hence why he's not going to Spain.

The house is paid for in full @ZiggyNiko ?
If so it's half yours anyway. Assets are split on divorce.
There is no way this man is not hiding something.
Drugs, gambling, sex workers are all possibilities but he's still abusing you.
How old is your eldest?
If primary school age I'd go home if you have a good support network in Spain. He's not going to turn into a happy husband. Blow jobs indeed, what does he do for you? Feck all I expect.

I've worked on long contracts around the world and the United Kingdom is my home but it is descending into a very expensive hell hole. Get out now if you have the option.

I’m going away in a few days, so he suggested we deal with this when I’m back

Well I did say

He won’t be able to fake the statements as I’m going to be next to him, asking him to log in while I’m there. If he refuses - then I know he’s a liar and I won’t pay a penny.

Im quite scared of what I’m going to find on his statements. If he even lets me see them!

I think you should insist this is dealt with before you go away - God only knows what he could get up to with two weeks to hide funds etc.

Also make sure you register matrimonial homes rights with the land registry asap.

You cannot trust this man with your financial security...at all.

@ZiggyNiko Before you have the money conversation with your DH, not after, make copies of all the financial documents you can lay your hands on. He will be covering his tracks even more than he has so far. Especially as he has two weeks in the house without you.

Does he know your passwords? If so, change them. Change them, anyway.

That "lawyer's mistake" on the deeds is bollocks. If it was their mistake it's for them to correct it for free. If he was on your side he'd have been back in no time to have it made good. But he isn't, so he hasn't.

This is a really shocking situation and you need to start getting yourself organised to be ready to leave when you see what he's actually doing with the money. He's a terrible father and a worse husband and he's definitely, definitely a massive liar.

Info

https://www.duttongregory.co.uk/family/family-law/matrimonial-home-rights/#:~:text=How%20do%20I%20register%20my,to%20deal%20with%20this%20process.

Form

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

have your nursery fees ended now as your son is going to school in September?

Clearly not in one of the Big Four on £1,500 a month!

Tbh I think the bar is set that low for men it’s easy for them to be described as a “good dad”. I’ve been guilty of it too with my ex. I remember my solicitor clearly struggling to bite her tongue when I was telling her about sexual/financial/physical/mental abuse in one breath but insisting ex was a good dad to our kids in the next. She did raise it with me btw, she was just clearly having a hard time not yelling “are you fucking kidding?!” In my face.

Society’s low expectations has done a number on us.

Snap but I think I it very much depends on your marriage and attitude to money. We are both matched in that we don’t go wild so neither party is ever seething about what the other had spent. In fact it’s the opposite. I think having a specific thing that one person pays for is madness though , should be a pot of money.

I would try and resolve this prior to going away. I would also be very suspicious as to why he can't go away with you? Have you validated that's he's actually used up all his annual leave?

HE’S NOT A GOOD DAD

This. Don’t wait. Also did he decide he needs those 2 weeks after you’ve clocked that he’s financially doing a number on you? In which case I suspect he’s using those two weeks to cover his tracks.

This is really bad, OP. My partner works really hard to pay all the bills, because I’m solely responsible for the kids (until he gets home). His job is such that I’d struggle to have even a part time job since if the kids are sick or on holiday there’s nobody to help - he can’t do drop offs and works weekends. I did have a reasonably paid side income but it’s just been wiped out so he’s the sole bread winner until I get the next one up and running.

Your husband sounds like a bit of an asshole. Would he like to stay at home with them and you’ll go to work? You sit down and do the maths - it won’t tell you where it’s all going but you should be able to get a ball park figure for your household monthly expenditure.

He can’t make the kids 100% your responsibility then expect you to contribute equally.

I would tell him - you seem very interested in my finances all of a sudden. Taking care of your children impacts my earning potential significantly - how are you missing this? So, since you’re taking such an interest- let’s make it reciprocal. I’m not even entertaining taking those bills on until you’ve shown me your bank statements and we’ve sat down together to see where all your money is going.

Please register your home rights to your home asap … before you go away. He will be sent a letter informing him of this so tell him you have done this.

I would also be looking on the land register at your property to see if any mortgages/loans have been taken out using the house as collateral. There is a small charge for this.

You can also register free to receive updated information about your property (or any property infact) in case there are any changes in the future. I would make sure to do this too.

When he does show you his statements, I would be looking over them for the past year+ at least and look for any withdrawals to savings accounts, etc to find any hidden money. Being an accountant, you will know what to look for!

I’d tell him to stick his spreadsheets up his arse.

Joint account or you go full time and split childcare cost proportionally.

Why not have both wages paid into 1 account and you both take the same amount of money to save/spend as you like that is moved into your own account each month? So all household bills/child related costs/family holidays/joint savings/house improvements come from the joint account and then you both have the same amount of money to do as you please. His annual golf trip would come from his own money he has chosen to save. There's no asking you to pay more, you both have the same amount of money. It's the fairest way to do things and it means he is transparent with money.

I can't believe you've not done this before now, even before children. I just don't understand how a married couple can have 1 person with plenty of disposable income and the other scratching about for money, surely you live the same lifestyle so pooling money makes sense. Obviously it is far more complex when people have been married before and have children with other people, but a couple who are on their first marriage and only have children together money should be shared in my book.

Sort of the last paragraph, but I think I would be demonstrating fairness. I would put together my own spreadsheets for my salary and payments to demonstrate what you mean. I would word it as “to see where all of OUR money is going”. I would feel it is showing parity as in both sets of expenses need scrutiny.

Another vote to ensure you have as many ducks in a row as possible before going away.

I do wonder what OP’s definition of a bad dad is!