My husband wants me to pay more towards the bills…

[ZiggyNiko]

I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m starting to feel like I’m being unreasonable, but I’m not sure.
My husband earns around £4,000 a month and I earn around £1,500. I only work 3 days a week because our youngest isn’t at nursery yet, so increasing my hours isn’t really an option at the moment.
We don’t have a mortgage, but my husband wants me to take over the council tax and electricity, which come to around £500 a month combined.
I already pay approximately £500 a month for groceries, as well as paying for our two children’s activities, days out, clothes, and various other expenses for them.
When we go on holiday, say a £4,000 holiday, I’ll usually contribute around £1,000. Even that is difficult for me on my income.
My husband says he runs out of money every month, but the problem is that I have no idea where his money is going. He doesn’t seem willing to sit down and go through the finances with me and explain what he’s spending it on.
What really bothers me is that he somehow has the money for an annual £1,000 golf trip, while telling me that he doesn’t have enough money and that I should take on more household bills.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t have hobbies or spend money on himself. But given the huge difference in our incomes, and the fact that I’m working reduced hours partly because of childcare, I feel like our finances should be looked at as a household rather than simply splitting bills.
Am I being unreasonable for thinking he should be contributing significantly more to the household expenses?

Refuse unless he is willing to sit down and go through everything together

I'm really sorry to hear things aren't great for you at the moment.

On not being on the house deeds - that is not just a mistake by a lawyer, there would have been so many documents you both needed to check and sign if you were buying the house together. Do you know which firm of solicitors you used? I would contact them to discuss. If you frame it as your husband has told you they made a mistake, then I dont think they would charge you to check what actually happened as they're not giving you advice, just checking their own work?

In terms of bills and your unequal salaries, your husband is being very unfair to you. A salary from paid work outside of the home is only one element of contributing to the family. Sit down and think about the split of childcare - both the 2 days you have "off" with the children and who does mornings/evenings/gets up in the night/weekends. Also think about the split of household chores. If your husband isn't doing half of everything, then your unpaid labour that covers what should be "his share" also has a value.

Could you frame a change to a more blended approach to joint finances as follows:-

You both sit down and work out all of the shared costs - so anything household or family related (bills, groceries, car and other travel costs, nursery, any expenses for the children, family holidays/trips/meals out). How much is left from your total income once these amounts are paid? You both deserve a broadly similar "personal spends" budget for your own clothes/toiletries/social activities etc.

My DH and I do things this way and it works well. We put both our salaries into a joint account, all bills etc paid from that, then there's a standing order into each of our personal accounts for the same amount and thats our personal money. We each have a pot of personal savings too, but other savings are joint. Even when I was on mat leave, I was still getting the same amount of personal money - we used joint savings to cover any shortfall each month (and we generally cut back our spending when pregnant and on mat leave). I know some couples just treat all money as shared money, but we both like having the ability to spend our personal money without feeling a need to justify to one another (e.g. DH has 2 expensive hobbies, I like to buy more expensive clothes and toiletries than he does.)

Please do some digging about the house deeds, do the maths on all the household "labour" and come up with a clear plan to propose a change in approach to him.

Does he think that because he owns it, in a divorce you can’t go after what he owns. (Make sure to keep all documentation to show you paid for 1/2 the deposit even if it is just paying him the money for the house or emails/texts letter mentioning your deposit.)

Like a friends exh who thought because his name was on the deeds to the house thought that meant it was his to keep.
This is the marital home so becomes part of the marital pot
Friends exh had to sign the mortgage free house over to her on divorce.
He is like a certain type of man I have met more than once.
They think they have got one over on their wives by putting the home they live in under their sole name and on divorce they get to keep the house.
These men know nothing when it comes to divorce law in the UK otherwise they would have treated their wives better knowing that on divorce they could lose 50/60 or even 70% of everything they think they own including any pensions, cars and investments etc

Can I ask, if you had a mortgage on the house, what did you sign for the mortgage company regarding being an adult living in the house but not on the deeds.
Or did he use an inheritance or lottery win to buy the house out right thinking that both of these sums are exempt when it comes to divorce. But then only read the headline not the fine print

Also if it was a mistake by the lawyer then why would he be spending anything

You need to wake up. Get your name on the house deeds asap. The lawyer did not make a mistake. He lied. You need to see every expenditure written down before you pay more money. Childcare is a joint expense even if he did not want that nursery. This is financial abuse.

What a greedy grasping man, he's not a husband or partner. You're raising his child [for which I assume you sacrificed work opportunities] he does not value this, it's all about money. Either it all goes in one pot with joint decisions and transparency or it's no marriage.

Go back to the lawyer yourself and get it fixed or find out the actual story. You were part of the transaction so the lawyer you used should speak to you.

That should tell you whether he is being truthful or not and should give you a steer on your next move.

If he thinks you can take on these other bills then why would you need him there.

What is the point of him. You are not gaining anything by him being there. In fact he costs too much and causes you too much work.

Divorce the fucker and take him for everything you can.

Exactly this! You need some transparency and a budget listing all household income and outgoings and leaving you each with some fun money.

The lack of transparency is unfair at the moment.

So respond with a solution.

of course I am happy to contribute more.

i will need up my hours, so you can reduce yours to take on the proportionate childcare.

That way you aren’t stalling your career as much, will up your pension contributions- I bet he isn’t making additional contributions to compensate for your loss of income? And will be more financially secure. So if it does all go to shit, you can stand on your own two feet and aren’t staying with him because you can’t afford not to.

he either needs to drop his hours and do childcare, or be showing you what he’s spending on.

Dont bother with what he personally writes down on a spread sheet. Go from his live banking app and all the other apps he pays money to.

I am pretty certain he won’t go to Spain with you because he needs to work on his printed off bank and credit card statements

Make sure you sit down with him very very soon. Drop kids off at a friends or relatives for the evening and do it this evening

I would also log into one of the Experian/Clearscore type sites and open an account in his name and one in your name to view what he and you actually owes.
I know it is a complete invasion of privacy but at this point I think you need to know everything and am pretty sure he will try to cover stuff up.

Hardly. It isn't as if her DH is stopping her from increasing her hours (others manage FT with small children). Or, as in my DM's case, having her wages confiscated by her DP - that was financial abuse.

She already has.

Another post where the husband is controlling the family income to his benefit.

You have an income of £5500 per month as a family. Pay the bills, save some and split the rest. If he doesnt like it, send him a invoice each month for the homecare you do and make sure its more than 50%. Either that or refuse to do it for a month. See how quickly he agrees or fucks off

Get an appt for legal advice as a start.
I suspect things will turn nasty if you ask him for more information.
his money is going somewhere. I’d use your holiday as an opportunity to think about what you want going forward.
the bottom line is you can’t trust this man.

Great response. Common sense approach. Of course darling. This is what you want and here are the consequences. See how long he takes to come to his senses or as i said above, leaves.

Pensions are part of the marital pot on divorce.

Expecting a spouse to pay a disproportionate amount towards the household compared to their income is financial abuse
Not fixing the ‘mistake’ he solicitor made in ‘forgetting’ to make sure both bakers were in the property deeds (and she put money towards the deposit) is financial abuse
Expecting her to buy all the food and everything for their children is financial abuse.
Refusing to contribute towards childcare costs is financial abuse.

Finances should be pro rata’d based on earnings. So for instance my DH contributes 70% of our bills and I contribute 30%. We each put the same in our joint account for food and holidays.

You have a very low bar. Of course this is financial abuse. The amount they each bring in and the amount the OP is paying is massively disproportionate.

add up the groceries, he doesn’t see that as a bill ñ, do you do all the cooking?