Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

Well a few are of the opinion it was my fault due of one or more of the following reasons:

1. They thought I should have been firmer in the first place and told them they couldn’t visit as I was clearly not up to hosting
2. Since I agreed to the visit, I should have made some arrangement to feed them, especially since they took the trouble to drive for two hours to see me
3. That I should have been clearer in my instruction on the phone and requested/clarified that they would also bring my lunch too. Me saying I was not up to making lunch ‘for them’ implied I could still make lunch for myself .. so I didn’t need anything!
4. Once in situ, and I discovered that they had left me out, I was (and I quote) ‘totally passive’ and a ‘limp lettuce’ for not speaking up and calling them out on it straight away. One even wondering how women (such as me) made it into adulthood and managed to be an advocate for their children because they lacked any confidence and allow people to walk all over them! Apparently MN is full of them! Another calling me mean for starting such a gleeful post as my friends may be autistic! (I have known them for over 20 years I think I would have picked up on any autistic tendencies by now!)

Thankfully 94% of us do have emotional intelligence, manners, etiquette and above all empathy for others, especially when they are incapacitated and feeling vulnerable.

UPDATE! Sorry if this is too long.., skip to TL/DR if you just want to read the quick version!

Firstly, thank you all so much for your replies, I really wasn’t expecting so many! Sorry if I have not responded individually to everyone, but I have taken in all your comments and I am so reassured to learn that the vast majority, like me, think this behaviour is totally unacceptable. It would be unthinkable in my general friendship circle or within my family to do this and whichever why I slice it, it does not make sense to me that anyone would do this and think it’s ok. I do have a good sense of humour however, and in the main I am more bemused and amused than I am upset. In the grand scheme of life it was just a lunch and although I have known this couple for over 20 years they are not a really important part of my life… just people I see about 4 times a year. Had it have been someone closer and more important to me I would have absolutely been more hurt and should this have been my best friend for instance, I would have felt so let down by this behaviour.
So in some ways I can just laugh it off (and like some of you say it does make a cracking story!) However, this has made me analyse some of my relationships in general and what I am (or should be) prepared to tolerate in people’s behaviour and actions towards me. Looking back on my relationship with these people In particular, your questions and comments have been really useful in helping me crystallise my thoughts. Looking back the relationship has always been one sided … I have always hosted them (I didn’t question this before because I like hosting and for logistical reasons it’s more practical for them to come to my house) but they have never once said let’s meet up somewhere mutually convenient and let us take you out to dinner for a change! Or contributed to a dessert or something when they have come to me. I haven’t really thought about this before and if I had, I probably wouldn’t or shouldn’t have been as shocked as I was over their behaviour! The writing was on the wall really! It just goes to show it sometimes takes an incident like this to see a relationship for what it is! I do not think I lack awareness generally but I think most of us can all fall into a pattern within relationships … and once that pattern is formed it’s very easy to not question it and just plod along! We all have different tipping points to what we tolerate and at what point do people cross the line in which there is no return…

TLDR I have decided that this incident has crossed the line for me. I do not regret not saying anything at the time, but now I’ve had time to reflect I think I should say something. Thanks to those of you who made some cracking suggestions of what to text back … I haven’t quite decided on exact words but it will be along the lines of ‘I was disappointed that you didn’t think to include a lunch for me when you visited and you left me with your washing up when you could see how incapacitated I am. I am now going to concentrate on my recovery and don’t want to make any further plans to met at this time’ I will see what the response is but I honestly feel at this point I should just never see them again.

Thank again everyone xx

You say they are friends? Hmm!

Wish you all the best for your recovery OP 💐

Glad you're thinking of speaking to them,on your terms and in your own time.Knobheads.

Well put @thevoiceofreasoning , it gets the point across well and leaves her in no doubt of how rude they were

Thank you

Great call @thevoiceofreasoning - not reacting in the moment in an emotional way (which so many of us would have!) But standing up for yourself politely. I think the suggested response ending with 'fuck off' was brilliant, but probably not what most would be brave enough to send, or the one that reflects the best on you!!

Will you keep us updated with any reply? Sadly, I think it is unlikely she will acknowledge she did the wrong thing, but she may surprise us yet!

Yes I will keep you updated and let you know if she replies! She may just say can we come around for lunch so we can talk about it? … 🤣🤣

OP, it is a rare person who doesn't have an experience like this at some point.
Better late than never.
You sound like a lovely person, but their behaviour is really shockingly rude.
As we age I believe there really isn't space to be made in our lives for such people.

I think seeing people 4 times a year and hosting them is a huge amount.

I know of serial visitors, which I put a stop to.
The type that go from one friends house to the next.

Two hours drive is nothing if you are going to be watered and fed for free.

Good luck with your recovery.

Exactly all of this!

Thank you and yes I think you are absolutely right … why give these type of people precious life space?

I like this response to her, it's perfect as it's dignified whilst letting her know her behaviour was hurtful, and making it clear you would like to be left to recover in peace. I would send this to her.

I can fully understand feeling shocked in the moment and not saying anything, forget the twats on this group saying you should have said something to her when she pulled out her sandwiches, most people don't want to embarrass guests in their own homes.

The OP was left with their washing up!
And the poor thing is on crutches.

Had a couple of friends round once in the daytime, who brought out a packed lunch when it was getting time to eat. They didn't ask in advance, obviously would have then been weird if I'd got food out for everyone then...I'm autistic and don't always understand social norms, but I thought this was very weird and it's stuck with me as being a bit bonkers

Any update OP?

OP, I think your suggested response is perfect. It says what it needs to without being too overblown.
Your friend really was shockingly selfish and inconsiderate.

nothing back from my text to her I sent yesterday.

So delighted you called her out. She may never reply as she may detest being called out.
And that would tell you everything you need to know. A genuine person would pick up the phone and apologise for the misunderstanding.
Fantastic. They appear to be out of your life. Well done

To be honest she’s probably thinking we went out her way to see her and she’s pissed we didn’t bring her lunch too, or wash a few plates.

some people when they lack any form of empathy or social graces will always make it the other persons fault.

I've clearly missed it, but what exactly did you text her? Last I read you were still deciding what to write.

That's what I was thinking. She drove 4 hrs to see op so is probably thinking she made a big effort.

Friends? They ought to have brought something like baked pasta, or a stew, so you could all share it. That's what we do when we visit people post-op. And fruit.

Really?

I do not buy the 'lack of communication' thing at all. Who would do this? What kind of thoughtless, insensitive individual would do this? I'm gobsmacked.

I don't either. With so much technology at our fingertips nowadays,you can't use that as an excuse anymore. It's not the 70s 🙄🤣