Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

I completely agree with all this. I think the phrase that goes something like ‘never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity’ is relevant here. Some people have invented all sorts of scenarios in their head about how the friend wanted revenge and set out specifically to upset the op through calculated sandwich making. I think she’s just thick.

It's just bloody unbelievable. I can't believe the poster who said you were mean for starting this thread owing to the fact that your "friend" might be autistic.....but surely one of 3 wasn't autistic and could see how totally bonkers and rude this was. I'm cringing with second hand embarrassment for them. Surely even an autistic person can see this is a total no-no?

Agreed, my son is autistic and only 17 and he wouldn’t do this

That's good to know....thanks for sharing :)

Some people on this thread have commented that she was good enough to travel and visit you but beware....some people only visit because it suits them. They are dead bored and can't entertain themselves.

I dealt with an energy vampire who used to call by...drain me of my energy, be nosy/ask a million questions, and eat anything in sight.

Obviously it's all baffling, even if they had somehow got it into their heads that they were just saving you trouble by bringing their own lunch and didn't consider bringing more to share. I have sometimes felt wrongfooted about when you're meant to bring something and when not (though never in a situation like this!). But I can't understand why, when they saw you didn't in fact have your own lunch ready, that they didn't then offer to share or at the very least offer to get you something, even if it was to get you your own food. How on earth could they not even ask if they could make your toast for you?

Obviously it's all baffling, even if they had somehow got it into their heads that they were just saving you trouble by bringing their own lunch and didn't consider bringing more to share. I have sometimes felt wrongfooted about when you're meant to bring something and when not (though never in a situation like this!). But I can't understand why, when they saw you didn't in fact have your own lunch ready, that they didn't then offer to share or at the very least offer to get you something, even if it was to get you your own food. How on earth could they not even ask if they could make your toast for you?

Yes I agree... it wasn't a conscious plan to taunt you with the picnic food... and yet...it felt to me like she thought you hadn't delivered what she saw as your part of the bargain and so she was sticking closely to the terms of the new agreement.
The individual packaging just seems a bit pre meditated.

I don't know why but this has really struck a chord with me in dealings with extended family

This made me lol! I’ve not heard that expression before but I think it fits the bill nicely! I certainly would not describe her as a malicious person and I didn’t think she was thick before this incident… but now I am thinking that is the only logical thing to explain her behaviour! But you’d have thought hubby would have questioned why they are not taking anything for the host … I know some men just leave things like this to the wife … but my partner would have absolutely questioned why I wasn’t making lunch for all of us…

And I suspect she thought she was doing @thevoiceofreasoning a HUGE favour by visiting:

"Oh, @thevoiceofreasoning must be lonely, all that recovering by herself. She's sure to enjoy us visiting. We'll cheer her up."

Their presence was your present, OP.

If there was a ‘care’ reaction I’d have put it! I know exactly what you mean! Some of the issues people have brought up have made me reflect on a few things … not just this incident but people in general and how they sometimes treat and interact with you. When you look at the people in your life it can really make you wonder why you tolerate certain behaviours ..

I know! Calling me mean for starting the thread is more offensive than the “friend” that didn’t bring lunch! Lol

I haven't read the whole thread, I have mentioned that I may have similarly got the wrong end of the stick (from the semantics) being autistic, so hopefully it wasn't my post that people are interpreting as suggesting that the friend might be autistic. Given the follow up post from OP, it certainly does sound as if the friend was fully in the picture, which I didn't pick up from the original post. She certainly didn't pick up on the cues that it was a bad time to visit in the first instance.

Please excuse my social ineptitude OP 😏

This sounds like the type of thing my brother and wife would do. It’s not meant maliciously, they are just tactless. They would be mortified if they realised they had offended someone. I’d give your friends the benefit of the doubt.

Oh really no need for apologies! I posted the story to invite comments and different view points! I can get why some have said she may be autistic in the sense she took my comment about not providing lunch quite literally and interpreted it as she must bring her own lunch! But this isn’t the case in this instance … if she was autistic I wouldn’t have been as shocked at her actions and probably would have clarified with her what she meant by “I will bring something”. It didn’t occur to me to ask for clarification as the way the conservation went I absolutely perceived her comment to mean she would bring lunch for us all as that as what I believe most friends would automatically do in these circumstances!

Yes I really don’t think it was malicious … but still very bad form! I’m not so entitled that I expect anyone visiting to bring me lunch … I would have been fine if they just hadn’t brought anything and then I would have probably suggested we get a take out or send her hubby to my local supermarket (2 mins walk from me) and chose some sandwiches/snacks for us all and given him the money to pay! But to say she will bring something and then exclude me is really alien to me… I am not going to hold a grudge over it or anything but I am going to distance myself from people who think that is ok.

Good for you OP I agree with you. Your now ex-friends are either extremely rude, mean as hell or mad. Were you tempted to say "what sandwich have you made for me?"

I don't think op is being either mean or gleeful.

Very well summed up

most people would have taken the hint and not visited in the first place

Well upon reflection … although I’ve know them for a number of years I guess we are not that close for me to say “oi where’s mine?!’ Like I probably would if it had been my best friend who had done this (heaven forbid!) But I was really looking forward to some nice nibbles and snacks* and was just in disbelief when I saw she had only put out three plates! Then when she asked me what was I having, I was so unprepared for the question I just mumbled I’ll make some toast and hobbled into the kitchen to fling some bread in the toaster! 🤣

• I haven’t shared this part before because I thought people would surely think I’m making it up … but friend is actually a trained chef so I was really expecting a gourmet lunch! 😂

I guess their behaviour was a shock and hindsight is a wonderful thing as they say when thinking of a response to the situation

Next time they visit make them toast and serve yourself something really nice! 😂

No, let them make the toast.

Yes, of course. Sorry! 😂

I get what you’re saying. OP’s friend is incredibly entitled and expects OP to cater for her as usual. But then realising this isn’t the case and they’ll have to pay for their own lunch, puts on a weird pass agg display to show her annoyance. It’s very mean girls 🤣