Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

Without the lovely to see you part.

Every time I read an update on this thread I laugh out loud it’s so unbelievable that someone would think it’s ok to do that. At least Op you have given us something to laugh about 😂

Oh now that they've sent a text, you have to say something surely?

Lovely to see you too! I debated mentioning this but I have to tell you, that I am still reeling from the fact that you brought food for everyone except me! I cannot imagine a scenario where I would arrive at someone's house (especially someone who is temporarily immobile) and bring lunch for myself and my family but not the fourth person. At the time, I was in such disbelief as you served up three plates, that I was shocked into silence, but on reflection, I feel like I have to mention it as it was so rude and I was really hurt. As you know, I am not easily offended but the lack of thought, care and manners has really bothered me.

Perfect. Please send this OP.

If this is real - and there’s a good chance it is - a trained fecking chef who regularly gets home cooked meals by the OP turns up when she can’t move much/prepare food, turns up with sod all when visiting and has a lovely picnic prepared and OP has to hobble to make a piece of toast?
I know we see some behaviour here but this absolutely appalling. And she’s sensitive this chef? Yeah, right.
Whilst off my feet once a good mate of mine - also a chef - turned up with goodies and a fresh McDonalds in case I fancied that as well. I did. I have never forgotten it and it was over 2 decades ago.
It is not like she turned up with grim motorway sarnies and some limp old lettuce either.

I'd say this too, rather than the passive aggressive other suggestions, but with a couple of small edits.

Lovely to see you too! I debated mentioning this, but I have to tell you, that I am still scratching my head at the fact that you brought food for everyone except me! I cannot imagine a scenario where I would arrive at someone's house (especially someone who is temporarily immobile) and bring lunch for myself and my family but not the fourth person. At the time, I was in such disbelief as you served up three plates, that I was shocked into silence, but on reflection, I feel like I have to mention it as I was really hurt. As you know, I am not easily offended but the lack of thought and care about my condition has really upset me.

she sent a text saying how lovely it was see me and that we should catch up again next half term!

Yeah, Linda, about that....

That lunch sucked and it was a dick move not to bring me anything when you know I'm on crutches. Even more of a dick move leaving me dishes to wash up.

Fuck off.

I'd honestly reply and say how gobsmacked you were at their selfishness. If you're not planning to keep the friendship anyway, what's the harm in telling them they're shits?

Perfect

I don't think they are sensitive at all just upset because their thoughtless unkind behaviour has been caught out

Exactly.

I have long believed that very "sensitive" people are often the most selfish and self absorbed.
They use their "sensitivity" as a cloak to protect themselves from any criticism of their behaviour.
They react with absolutely disproportionate upset and rage when challenged.

In my youngest childs reception class their was one such child. For 5 years the Principal and the class teachers bent themselves out of shape tip toeing around her.

Parents whose children had had issues with her were batted away by teachers and Principal as she was "so sensitive" and "misunderstood."

Then one day when a child took issue with her sneaky nastiness and called it out in front of the class and teacher, in a very calm and respectful manner, she couldn't cope.
Other children confirmed what had happened.

The child started crying hysterically at being asked very calmly by the teacher if it was true.

All the children went home and told their parents.
The following morning 11 Parents in a class of 30 were outside the Principals office waiting to speak to her.
They of course started swapping notes in the queue.
Notes that included years of quiet bullying of children, and terrible upset.
By the time the Principal spoke to them individually, they were absolutely furious, especially those who had spoken to her earlier.
It was a dam opening situation.

The Principal was so taken aback by the repeated tales of awful bullying and nastiness, she was visibly shaken by the fury at her years of inaction.
This was at the end of the school year.

They returned in September but to a very very different attitude by the Principal.

She was a nice woman, but professionally mortified with herself at her inaction, the fury of the parents and the huge amount of gossip created in a small very MC area.

I never saw the nice mother of the child again, for the whole last 3 years of primary school.
I think she was genuinely devastated at what emerged about her child and the complete 360 turn in how her child was viewed.

"Sensitive little Sarah" never so much as looked sideways at another child for those years, her card was so marked.

Sensitive is another word for manipulative in my experience.

Yes send this response ...you can't keep playing the avoidance game with them

The thing about these situations is that you're now at a T junction, your old road has ended and each option has consequences.
If you reply to her text in the usual way and continue meeting up in the usual way, you may feel like things are continuing as normal, but you've actually deviated to her new road called "we both know that you can treat me poorly with no consequences". Alternatively you can respond to her message assertively, or you can end your friendship or only continue it in a way that suits you. Only you know which road will bring you peace and which road will have you feeling out of sorts.

Someone else will word it better, but since she's started a conversation about the visit, you can tell the truth. You can say that it didn't really suit to have visitors while you're recovering but you thought it would be nice to catch up, and you were surprised she only provided lunch for her family when you have always provided for everyone as a group when they've previously visited. You can say that you're not in a position to make further plans and need to concentrate on your recovery.

She's outstandingly rude. My children would have been whispering, "Mum, mum, mum, where's OP's lunch?" too and even my XH who isn't a canonised saint would've said, "Hang on, why are there only three meals here?"

And if your friend is a good cook, the very least she could've done was to bring you some meals to put in the fridge for another day.

I think if you do write to her you should stress how you've always cooked for them and say you just don't understand how she could watch you make some toast when they were eating their picnic. I could cry thinking of you doing that!

Yes but I think the OP should say something about her cooking for them every single time they've come over.

OP, in the past when they've come to see you, have they brought flowers or wine or anything like that, when you've cooked for them?

Either of us drink wine … she sometimes will bring something for the house like a scented candle she knows I like or flowers but I would say I about 50% time they will come empty handed.

I’m finding it funnier the more I think about it! It’s just so incredibly rude and thoughtless that it’s like something out of a sitcom! 🤣

very David Brent like!

Hilarious! I’m not going to be as blunt as that but it did make me laugh!

Yes! 😂

@thevoiceofreasoning you are dealing with this so well.

If it were me, I think I just wouldn’t answer.

Perhaps the 6% would like to explain why they voted as they did?

I have a few days off work this week but its too hot outside so reading more of mumsnet than usual especially this post. I am wondering how they would be portrayed in a sitcom? I hope you recover soon and won't need crutches much longer. The actual cheek of them suggesting a meet up in half term. I have a manager who never brings any food contributions to anyone's leaving lunch but eats everything. He also never brings even a biscuit to our Team meetings whereas other managers do for their teams. I guess some people can't give anything away.

You should have gone onto a
food delivery app and ordered 1 portion of your favourite items including one portion of the most delicious cake and a single coffee. Then sat an eaten it all while they had nothing. And tipped all my milk down the sink so they couldn’t make a hot drink. 😉