Guests bring their own lunch

[thevoiceofreasoning]

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

I'm always nonplussed by the small percentage of people who, in clear cut cases such as this, vote YABU. What! did you do that by accident? "The Guests" acted in not only the most selfish way possible, clearly lacking in empathy. Who would not visit a friend who had recently had a surgical procedure, hobbling around on crutches and want to do something for them to make their life a bit easier. To top it all, having gorged on their lunch in front of OP, they then leave their dirty dishes by the sink. FGS! you couldn't make it up.

Wishing you better OP, I'm glad to see you've resolved to drop these people, they don't deserve the time of day.

Agree. some people are twisting themselves into knots trying to justify the behaviour of these inconsiderate guests.

OMG! Well I get everyone has a different perspective, but you are already in the minority to think that I was the one being unreasonable here… but to add that you think I AM MEAN to start a “gleeful” post? There is nothing gleeful about my post … although I can actually see there is a funny aside to this as in if you didn’t laugh you’d cry sort of way.
However, just for the record I didn’t ask them “to bring their own lunch” I said I wasn’t up to making lunch for them and she said “no problem I will bring something.” I did make the assumption she was going to include me in the lunch, but that was on the back of the rest of our telephone conversation where I talked about how incapacitated I was at the moment and in quite some pain. I don’t have a full transcript of exactly what was said in our 30 minute phone call but that was the gist of it and my friends are NOT autistic.

Some people see disagreeing with OP as a sport.

Yeah I am actually wondering if they are my “friend”? 🤣

Or there’s more socially inept people about than imagined!

The guests are totally thoughtless.
Although I don't think they intentionally set out to upset you they really should have thought it through more carefully.

If I was in that situation visiting a friend who had just had surgery I would have asked about dietary requirements first/ what sandwiches you like etc or even if you want them to bring lunch for you too.
I'm sure you would have welcomed that after just having surgery.
Some people just don't think things through unfortunately.
I wonder if they realised after?

However, just for the record I didn’t ask them “to bring their own lunch” I said I wasn’t up to making lunch for them and she said “no problem I will bring something.”

If a good friend said this to me, I'd assume they were bringing lunch for us all. You're perfectly reasonable, @thevoiceofreasoning to assume this.

I remember having surgery under GA and I was wiped out for a fortnight. I had guests, but they saw how exhausted & poorly I was, and did everything for me.

Your friend is not your friend. Or perhaps she's one of these "sensitive" people whose "sensitivity" is actually self-centredness.

OP the mad mumsnetters trying to defend your inconsiderate, rude friends on here have probably rocked up to their own friend's home bringing their own lunch with nothing for their friend and now realise the views of people with some social graces mean their own behaviour is wrong on all levels so have to defend themselves on here!!!!! You don't have to defend yourself against such batshittery!!!

That is what I consider the most baffling aspect.
It's one thing to bring a few bowls of stuff and plate it up.

But she made such a point of wrapping it up in individual portions for three and also took home all the individual portions of fruit and yogurts that they didn't eat.

And sat there handed it out to the three lucky ones leaving the OP sitting there like a complete numpty, then instructed her to bring her own lunch. Even the thickest person watching the poor op struggling out to make some toast would have twigged or softened at that point. But she didn't. It's almost beyond insensitive, so it has to be deliberate.. but why? its baffling. As previously OP catered for them.

OP said this person is very oversensitive. I can only think that having said she'd drive to visit OP, she took offense when OP said she couldn't cater as usual and didn't have the brain capacity to put herself in the OP's shoes and realise what catering after surgery would entail, but couldn't see past that and felt a bit snubbed as if she'd been tricked into agreeing to a visit only to find out she was denied lunch, and thought. Right then. If I have to bring my own lunch, that is what I will do.. and that's why she made such a point of it?

It's such a very odd way to treat the OP. The worst part telling her to go and get her own lunch... I thought that was very clearly was implying that she thought if OP could make her own lunch, she could have made theirs. If that's the thinking, it was really passive aggressive. She just couldn't see past her own needs. And completely lacks empathy.

I wouldn't want to ever cook for them again.

I don't blame you OP for feeling that its not worth dealing with the drama at present. It's so tiring recovering from surgery without coping with someone crying at you and you just don't need it. You can always say it if the moment presents itself in the future. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Thank you. Yes that is the bit that got me … the fact that it was all wrapped up and she’d made different sandwiches to catering for their individual preferences. They were wrapped in tin foil so you couldn’t see what was what immediately … so she was unwrapping each thing and looking saying ‘oh that one’s mine and that’s one DD’s” etc. I honestly don’t think she was deliberately mean but her level of unawareness quite shocked me! We have had countless meals together over the years and I’ve cooked for them on many occasions so she knows my tastes and likes and dislikes quite well … it really wouldn’t have taken much for her to make me up a tuna and cucumber sandwich … but she didn’t think and she didn’t realise her thoughtless behaviour when in situ … they all just acted like it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Poor OP, but best thread of the week! I completely get the gob-smacked and saying nothing. If people are odd enough to do that then they are not going to suddenly see the light if you point out their failings.

Reminds me of bil and sil… Dh went to scatter fil’s ashes and sil (who will not be separated from bil) said they would bring a picnic. Yep, same as OP, out came a picnic for two which they ate in front of dh. Dh being dh said to me he must have misunderstood about the picnic and he was to blame. But as pps have said, that’s not the point. The picnic people should share when they see the other person has nothing to eat.

We have had countless meals together over the years and I’ve cooked for them on many occasions so she knows my tastes and likes and dislikes quite well

Does she cook for you though?

Good point! No I think she has cooked for me once in all the time I have known her. I usually host at my house, but we have been on many cafe pit stops over the years when we’ve been out shopping together so she should know what I like in terms of sandwiches at the very least!

Even if they misunderstood your message I am sure I would've shared the food four ways. There is no way in any hell that I would think is alright to eat in front of anyone my goodies and someone else just having toast. Specially someone who had surgery and is unable to cook. Your message was quite clear, even if they misinterpreted it, we adapt, improvise.

Even if I was under the impression the OP didn’t want anything I’d have called whilst on my way to the shop and said we’re just off to m&s, in case you’ve changed your mind.

She has got used to you hosting, she sees hosting as your job. So she doesn't see the need to be thoughtful to you.

That's why I think she couldn't comprehend why OP was saying she couldn't cater and thought its as easy to make a sandwich for us as it is for her.... took umbridge and thought, well if that's the case we will bring OUR lunch and just our lunch, if that's what she wants and she can eat her own.

She was making a point and the other's with her all knew that which is why no one else offered the OP anything. I think she seriously expected OP to have made her own lunch. But having got the hump and wanting to make her point, she wasn't going to offer anything. Its the individual packaging and catering for specific sandwich orders that makes me think this.

Just thoughtless, lacking in imagination/empathy, maybe dismissing surgery as only a minor thing due to lack of thought or knowledge (or interest), and then offended as she views the lunch issue as a favour withdrawn for no reason and was probably saying to her self ... "well I would'nt have offered to drive there if I'd know we wouldn't even get lunch. "

So she sees driving to you as a favour and lunch as a return favour from you, and regards you as not keeping your part of the bargain, hence the offence taken, and doesn't have the wit (or the kindness) to credit your reasons for not doing lunch that day.
Its transactional and passive aggressive. Especially as she more or less ordered you to eat your own lunch (so they didn't have to feel guility) and then sat there and watched you struggle to get to kitchen to make ... toast.

it says a lot about her character to do this

I realise this is pure speculation on my part tho.

I still can't believe they haven't just gotten the wrong end of the stick. Could they have assumed you weren't up to eating lunch? If they haven't it sounds like you should fade the friendship out. Could you not have explicitly asked them to share things out? I think I'd have done in the circumstances. They certainly shouldn't have come to you without a card and gift. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of give and take. Hope you are soon on the mend. Op.

Yes I think you have hit the nail on the head with that one!

I agree with you, because it's the only thing that makes sense.
Because surely no-one could be that socially clueless, graceless and stingy?

Well that is why I told her in advance what the situation would be … I warned her I wouldn’t be much company and that I wouldn’t be able to provide lunch but she insisted they still wanted to visit me! I may have suggested we could get a take out but she jumped in straight away with “no problem I will bring something” Whichever way I cut it, it really doesn’t make any sense to me … if she was only coming for a free lunch she could have easily said on the phone “oh it doesn’t sound like you are ready for visitors” and would have been absolutely ok with that. I really don’t think they made the drive to deliberately taunt me with their picnic food but that is basically what they did!

She did drive 2 hours each way to see you, and you say that you never visit her. So maybe she sees the drive as the gift, if you see what I mean. Gas, effort, the stress of dealing with motorways, and so on. At the same time, you usually cook for her and her family when she visits, at your own expense.

To me, this incident gives the impression that she thinks she has generously graced you with her presence and generously allowed you to host her without doing any of your normal host "duties." She perhaps feels quite chuffed that she gave you some company with almost no effort on your part.

I think her social deficit here is not understanding that visiting a person who is ill, a person who has just had surgery, or a person who has just had a baby, is a different set of etiquette. When you are visiting such a person, you bring help. You do not burden them in any way. Leaving your dirty dishes by the sink for her to clean up (on! crutches!) is a faux pas. Bringing lunch for yourself but not for the ill person, especially when you have invited yourself and essentially done so over her protestations, is rude. Don't invite yourself to an ill person's house without bringing something to make their life better. Definitely don't make their life harder.

I also agree with the person upthread who speculated that when you said she is "sensitive" what she really is, is self-centered.

Yeah I mean she might have thought she was doing the op a favour visiting and saving her effort bringing their own lunch, but no one with any sense of manners fronts up to someone’s house, empty handed, and brings their own lunch then sits and eats it and leaves their dirty dishes, and thinks their mere presence is a gift.

I’m not sure how many other Scots are on here but this thread is giving me vibes of the Hogmanay episode of still game where Jack and Victor are at the country pub, the landlord asks them if they want some food and they pull out their own sandwiches