AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

Was it before or after the two children’s fathers?

Three times? And have not told him after a year? I am sorry, but that would make me leave. You have been very unfair to him. Not cool.

Has he ever actually asked how many times you have been married?

No he’s never asked me how many times. He knows I’ve been married twice because my children have different fathers.

He may not care, he may run for the hills. He is unlikely to see himself as a forever prospect.

I’m only having thoughts about telling him because we went out for dinner with friends and the topic of marriage came about. I said I don’t see myself getting married till my children are 16-18 essentially till they’re adults. I’m ashamed that I’m 40 and been married three times, 3 failed marriages isn’t great

Do you just love weddings or something, or what is it?

Imagine your family going to your third wedding (if they did). 😫

My family have supported me in everything I’ve done to them if I’m happy then they’re happy. My family have been to all three weddings and if I get married again they’ll be there ahah.

I was dating someone for 9 months and found out he’d been married twice, not the once that he’d told me about (I knew about the recent marriage because they had a child together). I found out about the first marriage rather than him telling me and I was incredibly hurt. He said that he wasn’t hiding it, that it just hadn’t come up in conversation, but still I felt it was something that he shouldn’t have kept from me.

I would have a conversation with him about it asap and be prepared for him being upset that you haven’t told him before now.

edited for typo

I mean onwards an upwards and all that, but at least be honest. It shows lack of respect.

Well, from a practical perspective, if you were to marry him you’d have to produce your decree absolutes… so that’s going to get pretty obvious pretty fast.

On the red flag/moral point, and as someone once divorced and twice married, really what’s the difference between two failed marriages and three?

4th wedding

You’re right and to be honest I’m just ashamed of it. I will tell him over the weekend

If you get married a fourth time you have seriously missed the point of marriage.
(which I personally feel is outdated anyway).

When was the marriage you havent mentioned?

I mean her last husband. Three is a lot.

I doubt I’ll get married a fourth time. I didn’t want my marriages to fail but they did sadly I can’t do much about that now.

That’s doesn’t tell him you have been married twice at all though.

You can’t, but have you an idea why this happened? As you said you might get married again when your kids are 16.

Well he asked me if I was married to my children’s father's

He might know that your children have different fathers but that doesn't neccesarily mean that you have been married twice - have you actually made that clear?

EDIT - my question was answered whilst I was typing!

I'm a 4th wife (one previous marriage myself, widowed in my 40s after 20 + years)

I feel entirely comfortable because only his first marriage produced kids (he was really young) and there was a 10 year gap between number 3 and me. He's quite romantic and the marrying kind, I suppose. We've been together 15 years now.

Why what happened? Also why can’t I what ?

When my children are adults I think if I’m still with my partner now it’ll be okay to get married. We’ve discussed our opinions on marriages and we have similar views in terms of marriages.

Why you got married three times? Why the need for the third?!

From my point of view this is not such a big deal, but likely best to bring it up so that he knows. I have never been married...