AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

If you’ve been married once and it’s worked out that’s great!

I am an optimistic person and maybe one day I will be married again. I’m not opposed to marriage just because mine didn’t work out that’s life.

But realistically many of us have had 3 relationships that didn't work out. If we had married these guys then that would have been 3 divorces

This is perfect.
most people have been in 3 serious relationships by 40.

But you could have had children without getting married even once? He knows you have two children by different fathers thats all unless you mentioned that you married both.
Maybe its time to........not get married again!

I think you have to be prepared for him to be a bit taken aback but if he's serious about you he'll likely get over it.

I can't imagine someone being totally fine dating someone who was divorced twice but utterly against dating someone divorced 3x.

Was no 3 before or after the kids? I think if you were very young it's probably easier to understand.

If I was him I think I'd want to have some in depth conversations about how you think its going to be different this time. What were the reasons your previous marriages broke up? Were they 'all bastards'? That'd be a red flag for me, if you put all the blame on your exes and don't seem to have learnt and grown as a result of what happened (not saying you have done this).

This is what I tend to think tbh.

Someone I know is their husbands SIXTH wife. They've just celebrated their 20th anniversary

How long did each marriage last and why they fail?

My uncle's been married 4 times, think he's currently dating to be number 5. He's about 80 now?!

Don't sweat the number of marriages OP, if you had a good few years with each husband and of course your lovely children then it wasn't all lost was it?

Anyway, yes tell him. Apologise if he was mislead but honestly? Sometimes we don't want to share everything until we feel safe and secure anyway. Hopefully he will take it in his stride and you both stay together.

He knows I was married to my children’s fathers.

I can get married again if I’d like to thanks. You don’t need to judge me yes my marriages have failed but at the end of the day life goes on.

I think most of the posters on here are being extremely unkind snd judgemental of OP who has said she is embarrassed and ashamed of how things have worked out. How many wives tolerate miserable or abusive marriages because they're too scared/too financially comfortable to get out? It takes courage to admit you've made mistakes but have the strength to move on. Good luck OP, just do what feels right for you.

Why would it matter? It’s all in the past and if you read what she’s written, everyone gets along re. coparenting.

Well I’ll have to see what he thinks he might just say okay with it and not care or he might care that’s a conversation we will have.

Is that you Ross??

That’s so unkind

I’d run like the wind and I say that as the child of someone on their third marriage who I love dearly.

Wow what made their marriage different I wonder?!

Lovely post, just what was the point?

No clue . Maybe he grew up by then. He was knocking on 50 when they married

I've been married once! But before I met my husband I had had a 4 year relationship followed by a 5 year relationship followed by an 18 month relationship. I could easily have married all 3 of those men.

Yeah I had my kids through 2 long term relationships but never married their dads. Did marry someone else but that only lasted a bit over a year I was 42 when we split

Ahaha maybe that’s what he’ll do that’s his choice. I’ve known him long enough to know his views on things I will be honest with him and let him make the choice. He might not care or he might care a lot.

We’ve discussed our opinions on marriages and we have similar views in terms of marriages

Really? Then why worry about telling him about the third one? 😂

Yes ahah

I’ve never really watched friends

I’d tell him soon but I’d go with saying how sorry you are that you didn’t tell him sooner but you just felt really ashamed about it and didn’t want to put him off. Hopefully he will understand and not be offended if you couch it in those terms. I’m sure that if he really loves you and knows you well, he won’t care!