AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

I was married and divorced three time by the time I was 40. I had a good look at the situations and saw I was the one who was a big part of all the divorces, how could I not be? I was the constant factor in all three. This led me to believe that either I was bad at choosing partners or I was bad at being married.

either way, it seemed to me that the best thing I could do, for me and future partners, was to take marriage off the table.

35 years later, I think that was the best decision of my life.

could such a decision be yours?

I've been married once, had relationships since then but never wanted to get married again. In fact I never lived with a man again because I wanted my home to be just for me and my child. I'm all for people doing what suits them but contemplating a possible fourth marriage sounds like Henry V111 territory, minus the beheadings of course!

You completely missed the point of that comment

Surely you could say that to anyone who has ever had a divorce?

I don’t plan to have anymore children not sure where the idea of pregnancy came about. My current partner has a vasectomy (I know they’re still a chance) I do not want anymore children and he doesn’t. We’ve both got 2 kids.

???
what’s does your age have to do with your eldest child having two strange men living in her home during in her childhood?

Again.. you missed the point completely.

I'd have thought he'd only be bothered if the circumstances worried him. Everyone has different opinions about what would be ok, and what isn't.

I think these are now just assumptions being made

The idea of pregnancy came from you being a woman of child bearing age and having a new boyfriend??? Lot of women post on here about being pregnant in a relatively new relationship and then wondering what happened and how they will cope when they are left holding a baby.

Okay I guess I’ll always miss the point. Not sure where I said I plan to have anymore children came from. I don’t plan to have anymore children. I’m not opposed to marriage later on down the line. Just because I wasn’t happy with my previous marriages doesn’t mean I’m against marriages.

Oh no my dating life has been an absolute clusterfuck and if I shared even half of it on here the mumsnet judges would be out in force to tell me what a dreadful person I am. I'm just jaded now and I genuinely do admire people who can dust themselves off and try again.

So you don’t live with Husband 2 and 3 ?

Didn’t

Well I have two kids with different fathers I do not plan on adding another child with a different father into the mix of things.

Why does my living situation matter I haven’t detailed anything to do with my living situation or whether my children live with ‘strange men’ apparently. Im confused at all the judgement and assumptions with no information.

Yep. Still missing the point.

The point was more how your children seem to have multiple men stroll in and out and in again of their lives. Even if your eldest is your 2nd husbands, then she at least had husband 3 (plus a baby) and this new boyfriend (plus his kids) to contend with. That's giving you the benefit of the doubt that there weren't other partners in between.

It's all well and good saying that marriages don't always work out, of course they don't, and you're right not to stay in an unhappy / unsuitable marriage. But at some point it'd be a good idea to stop and think "Do i really need another man now or should I prioritise my kids stabiiity"

The chronology would matter to me, first marriage young and didn’t work out and no kids I would write off as young and stupid. A third marriage after 2 kids from different marriages would make me question it, I can’t put my finger on why but maybe along the lines of wondering if you are rushing into things. I see how that seems ridiculous because three marriages is still the same amount regardless of the order.

Well you mentioned two children and three husbands. So unless you didn’t live together your eldest child has had three father figures in their life already.

If you're ashamed, as you admit you are, then why are you confused that people are judging you? People are judging you for the same reason that you're ashamed.

The OP appears to have chosen to end both marriages.
Unless I’m being thick, with both children living with their fathers, this would not have happened.

This makes total sense- I would absolutely judge someone who put their child through two divorces and then chose to get married again.

They don't live with their dads; they see them every week.

Just stop getting married. You know the saying....the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You're therefore insane.

You’re ashamed because it would appear that you put your own happiness ahead of your children’s welfare by introducing them both to new men. If your eldest is only a teenager then you didn’t waste anytime moving from one husband to another. Presumably you don’t marry every man you dated so that’s potentially quite a few ‘partners’ for your children to get used to.