AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

The same reasons everyone gets married. For me they just didn’t work out I would have liked for my marriages to have worked out.

I do feel three failed marriages is a red flag, we’ve all relationships that didn’t work out, but marriage is a huge leap.
What made you think marriage 3 would be the one that would stick?

Just own up to it- my Mum was married 5 times and went mental if my brother or I mentioned it to anyone, it's not something you can really cover up without causing problems, it will be a bigger mountain to climb if you leave it.

Yeah well I didn’t go into any of my marriages hoping to be divorced. Hopefully he doesn’t see that as a red flag and if he does and chooses to leave that’s up to him. I plan to talk to him this weekend about it and be honest with him.

You obviously didn’t read the first line of her OP!

What a triumph of hope over experience! I’ve been married once, for a long time, and I wouldn’t do it again!

OP are you currently still married to husband no.3 ?

don't think you've answered pp's question on which husband did you not have children with

fwiw I'd tell him

I think that poster might've meant imagine what the relatives were thinking, having to attend a third wedding for the same person. Like, what could the speeches have said, would they need to get another outfit etc.

Just tell him, it’s all in the past and he probably won’t care!

Ignore all the silly judgmental comments here, too. No-one knows for sure how their life will pan out. I never imagined I would go through a divorce but here I am (hopefully will remarry soon).

My inlaws have BOTH been married three times (they are both each other’s third spouse.)

Tell him the truth, that you feel ashamed and worried about his reaction. Hopefully, he'll be ok with it. Good luck.

@Naurrr yes, thank you.

My sister had three weddings. I wouldn't have not gone to it for anything. I wouldn't have wanted her to not find happiness. And if she splits up with her current husband and meets someone else, you can guarantee I'd still throw her a hen do and expect to be bridesmaid.

What a horribly judge post.

No I’m not married to anyone. I didn’t make it clear but I am not married at all. I’ve been married three times and divorced three times.

I really admire your optimism to go for it 3 times. I was only married once and I'm too scared to try again.

Honestly op I'd just be casual.

Steve, when we were talking about weddings last night, I realised, do you know I've been married 3 times? I just suddenly realised you know about Jack's Dad and the twins Dad but (before/between/after) them there was Derek...

3 marriages is fine but marrying a Derek is a step too far

Would be 4th wedding if to the current guy

Tbh he knows were married twice with a child from each marriage. An additional zero children marriage on top shouldn't be that big a deal- would just be seen as your impulsive nature or whatever. I would try to tell him though.

I think there seems to be lots of judgment here. I’ve been married three times and divorces three times. I have just turned 40 it’s not where I would have liked to be in terms of relationships. As much as those marriages did not work out in the end I was very happy for a while and 2 out of 3 of those men are the reason I’m a mother and I love my children more than anything in the world. It would be great for them to grow up in a house with both parents but that’s sadly not the case. Coparenting has been great for us and my children aren’t missing our quality time, they know their dads, they see their dads every single week, their dads and I get on very well just marriage did not work out that’s all. No one goes out of their way to get married and then divorce at least not me.

No you wouldn’t. As you’ll know, having been married 3 times already (me too).

Sorry, but you meant well, if you married three times, surely you did not mean for these marriages to fail? I don't see a problem with it. He knows you have been married twice, so I don't see a problem here?

Don’t overthink it: hey I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me - back when we started dating and I told you I’d been married to both of the children’s fathers, but I’ve realised I was never clear about the fact that I was actually married a third time to X. I wanted to mention it now after the conversation at dinner the other day made me think I don’t want you to
find out in a passing conversation and wonder why I never told you.

Ross? Is that you?

I mean I guess it's not that different to having been married twice plus had a long term relationship where you lived together. Or married once plus two long term live-in relationships. Neither of which would be that unusual.