AIBU to wonder if I have left mentioning a third marriage too late?

[CosyPinkOtter]

I turned 40 in June. Life hasn't exactly gone the way I imagined it would in terms of my relationships.

I've been married three times and have two children. One child is with my first husband and the other is with my second husband. It wasn't the future I pictured for myself, and there were some difficult years, but I left those marriages for my own reasons and I'm much happier now. These days we co-parent well and everyone gets on well enough, so there's no drama and my children get to spend time with both parents and aren’t missing out on time with their fathers.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. He's 43, married once, divorced himself and has two children, so he completely understands the co-parenting side of life. Things have been going really well and are starting to feel quite serious.

Here's the bit I'm wondering about.
He knows my children have different fathers. He knows I've been married before. What he doesn't know is that I've actually been married three times. All I’ve said is ‘I’ve been married before and my children have different fathers’ then we both started talking about our children.

It's not that I've deliberately lied or tried to hide it. It just...never really came up. Early on it didn't seem relevant, and then as more time passed it somehow became more awkward to mention. Every time I've thought about bringing it up I've worried it'll sound as though I've been keeping a secret.

I know I need to tell him, and I will. I'm just wondering whether I've made this into a much bigger issue by leaving it so long.

I guess I’m ashamed

Wtf. 3 weddings and you still think the 4th needs all the unnecessary trappings? It doesn't.

If the actual question hasn't ever come up then I don't think it's as much of a big deal as some are making out? But I think it needs a proper discussion before you get any further.

I think it's weirder that it hasn't actually come up - you've not discussed past major relationships? How brief was the last one? Do you not talk much about your own life/history?

Anyway either he'll care, in which case better to talk about it sooner rather than later, or he won't really care, so no point worrying and putting it off.

Op you CANNOT tell him in an apologetic tone as he’ll take the lead. You need to own it, mention it in passing, be strong in your ‘I love love and I love being in love!’ Message and also be clear that you’ve learnt a lot from those relationships that you think makes you a better partner now so you don’t regret them. Do not let on that you’re embarrassed as he’ll get worried.

Totally agree I’ve been married twice

you marry as in live and expect .Hope it will be only marriage

but things happen

first dh died Sadly
2nd I divorced him for his behaviour

I doubt I would marry again tbh

but if I did then it would be for love again and when mini blondes is older /adult

now 9. Tho as I’m not even dating /seeing anyone unlikely to happen

Why do you think she's saying it's needed? Clearly no-one thinks any of that is a requirement or any sort. She'd offer it if it was wanted.

I mean this kindly, do you feel like you understand why the others didn’t work? Is there a pattern in the kind of men you choose or is there a pattern in the way you cope with conflict etc? I am just wondering if you’ve looked into that with counselling, self-reflection etc or just hoping it will be different this time for no particular reason.

I'm asking this because these would be reasonable questions for him to ask and you might want to have thought ahead.

I guess because I haven’t seen him since we divorced and we don’t have children together he doesn’t really cross my mind. It doesn’t mean my partner and I don’t talk about anything.

So you said yes and omitted to mention you had married a 3rd time?

For me that is a deal breaker. I don’t want a liar and while I don’t think this necessarily makes you a liar it’s a strong indicator that you might not always be forthcoming with honesty.

Why are you refusing to answer the multiple questions about when in the chronology your third marriage was @CosyPinkOtter?

If he asks then I’ll tell him we’ve discussed the fathers of my children. I’ve had counselling I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon but I’ve done work on myself and looked at my previous relationships and why I chose to end those marriages I could have stayed but I’ve always had the mindset of you only live once so why stay in a marriage I don’t like. I’m still young enough to meet someone and have a long term relationship I’m not in my 90s.

I have friends who are married and they all seem quite unhappy based on the things they tell me but they don’t want to leave for different reasons. I’ve always been lucky enough to have a backup and great parents who don’t judge me and with enough money to support me when I’ve needed help.

I get what you’re saying but the fact is OP does feel a bit ashamed about being married 3 times by 40 (and I’m not judging, but I do understand why…) and she should feel comfortable being vulnerable expressing that shame to her partner. We’ve all got crappy bits of our past we would rather keep hidden, good relationships allow you to feel accepted regardless.

Yeah if thst’s life and nothing to be bothered about why have you not told him after one year.

Because I do not think the timeline matters it’s not as though we divorced last year then I met my current partner. It has been quite some time and he’s not the father of my children so we just went out separate way

I just don’t feel like discussing full details on an online platform. I’ll discuss it with my partner when I talk to him this weekend.

I can still think that’s life and also be ashamed. It just hasn’t come up because he’s not in my life. My two ex husbands are in my life I speak to them almost everyday because they’re my children’s fathers and I have made it my mission to make sure I have a good relationship with them for the sake our children.

@CosyPinkOtter Please explain to me what part of "Maybe its time to.....not get married again" was judgy?
If you think I was being judgy thats on you.

I think this will lead to a lack of trust. As you say, life doesn't always work out. When you told him the children have different dads and that you were married to their dads, you should have owned up to the third marriage then.
It seems like you have now been lying by not saying anything and I would find it weird (and wonder if you had still been married when you met the current partner hence not mentioning it).

I didn't ask whether you talked about 'anything' but about 'major relationships'. Have you not?

Okay fair enough. I just think it’s my life and I’ll choose what I’d like to do in the future. Just because my previous marriages haven’t worked out doesn’t mean I don’t get to get married again.

Well I do hope he can trust me and if not we’ve had a great time together and I care about him do I’ll respect his choice.

Surely that was the exact moment to say "Yes, I've been married 3 times before, and had a child with 2 of them."

Personally I'd be completely miffed if I spent almost a year dating someone who his an entire marriage on me. It absolutely came up in conversation you just chose not to bring it up. If I were your new partner, I'd be pretty concerned that you just like getting married.

Married and divorced 3 times is a lot of hard work.

Well maybe he’ll choose to leave that’s totally his choice. I’ve known him enough to know that he understands sometimes marriages don’t work out and it’s alright. I don’t think he’ll be upset at that I think he’ll be more confused as to why I didn’t just tell him I’ve been married 3 times and rightly so.

Has your eldest lived with two other men other than her dad ?
Tell the new boyfriend asap. Try not to get pregnant again.

I am 40 relax. Anyway I believe my body my choice