Argh! So stressed, worried I am going to damage my DD emotionally :(

[dollydoops]

I have had a couple of months from hell. I am a teacher and at the end of May we were told that our school was closing on 10th July (private school). I am a single mum to my 6 year old DD and her dad lives abroad so I have her 100% of the time, no family who can have her at all, and she also went to my school so since the end of May I have had to find a new job and find a new school for her. I also don’t drive so this process has been extra difficult because I had to rule out various schools because they were impossible logistically.

After about 5 weeks of horrendous stress trying to keep going at school, comfort the students who were about to lose their school, comfort DD who was devastated while frantically job hunting and working a second job exam marking in the evenings as well to save up some extra money, I finally found a job and a school for DD. Unfortunately though, it requires us to move house.

So now, it’s the summer holidays and I am trying to
-pack up my house
-deal with all the moving admin
-sort out all the admin for DD’s new school, fill in paperwork/buy uniform etc
-attend interviews at the job centre because I am having to claim universal credit
-prepare for my new job in which I’ll be teaching lots of new things
-do online tutoring 5 evenings a week to supplement my income

and all of this while entertaining DD and trying not to spend too much money.

i am so very stressed that it is frightening me a bit. My fuse is incredibly short, I shout at poor DD at the drop of a hat and I keep crying. My scalp is flaky, my skin is breaking out and I am only sleeping about 5-6 hours a night despite being exhausted.

not sure what I’m asking for here but does anyone have any tips for reducing my stress levels? AIBU to be worried that DD will be traumatised by having such a stressed out, shouty mum? :( thanks for reading!

Probably not what you want to hear but Sertraline helped me manage my stress through my husband's illness and death. Very low dose, took a few weeks to adjust to it but it has been incredibly helpful.

I have thought about medication but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that :(

Be kind to yourself OP.
Children are resilient and it will all level out in a couple of months. Try to make the move seem like an adventure you are both embarking on together to your daughter. In your own space take time to relax, take a breath and take it a step at a time. Make a list and do it a bit at a time. Do some of it with your daughter so she feels a part of it, ie packing up or buying uniform etc. Talk about how exciting to get a new bedroom and get her to draw pictures of how it might look or talk about how she would like it.

Think of everything you have achieved so far, you are doing amazing.

As for the flaky scalp... olive oil massage unwrap up in a towel, pop on a face mask. After its been on a while or leave over night have a soak in the bath or a nice shower with some music xxx

Do you have any family that your DD would like to go and spend some time with while you get things sorted out? It's important that this is something that this is something she would choose to do. Beloved grandparents? Cousins of about her own age? People who could do the 'fun' stuff you don't have the time of energy to deal with at the moment.

I don’t really have any family that she can go to, no. My dad spends time with us and she loves him, but he is old and can only look after her for about 2 hours at a time.

Just to say that I think you are amazing.

Can’t her dad send you some money? Try not to worry, you’ve found a new job which is the main thing. Chill…get to bed on time, have a glass of wine, look out for free stuff that’s going on in the holidays….go to parks. You’ve had a shit time but you should sleep easy knowing you’re doing everything you can

He does send money, but as I have no salary for the summer I am still massively out of pocket and having to use my savings to survive.

Thank you @Winser, that has made me tear up a bit!

And thank you @Dancingintherain09as well for your kind words x

Sounds to me like you are doing brilliantly in very difficult circumstances. Don’t be so hard on yourself. X

No, hon, it is not a problem - you are together, you are a team, she sees how organised and sorted you are - already found a job, a new school for her, and you will find a new place to live. You are a role model for your daughter - educated, resilient, high-functioning. This is no stress for your child, compared to other children, who have to put up with mums' new men, now that is a whole different crazy level of stress. You are a fighting unit, the two of you, you will be really fine from what you wrote. Children these days who are mollycoddled, often grow up useless adults. Children who faced difficulties and saw how their parents dealt with them, have a chance of growing resilient and thinking. There is a lot of hassle, but no tragedy or emotional damage in your situation.

you’re not going to damage her emotionally, this is a short term issue and when everything settles down and you get back on an even keel, she probably won’t even remember much of this period in a year.

You are doing a brilliant job. We all get short tempered at times. Important thing is that you are there for her. Isn't it just a man's world? They can swan off to another country and send the odd bit of money to salve their conscience. Why isn't he spending time with her during the summer?

I also work in education - although not private.

I can assure you that anyone who worries about their parenting is nowhere near as shit as the parents who don’t.

Your DD will be just fine. Good luck with your move and new job x

How are you going to be starting a new job if this has been your summer?

I think you need to prioritise your and your daughter's mental health. Drop the tutoring for a start to free up some quality time to spend together.

I know it's hard losing your income (I supply teach so I get this every summer) but you must have saved some of the exam marking income (or at least have this coming to you so you can load up the credit card a bit). Take some day trips together. Explore your new area. Visit friends and give yourself time to chill.

Also, there is only so much prep you can do for next (academic) year, there may be lots of old planning you can adapt, and you'll make a better impression at your new school if you arrive relaxed and refreshed. It seems you have got yourself into a panic and you need to take a step back and stop trying to do too much.

@Gemilo it’s just not a thing he does… He has a new wife (the woman he had an affair with and left me for when DD was a baby) and she has bipolar disorder so I think he has his hands full, but he has never suggested spending more time with her. He sees her for a few hours with me present about once a year or so.

You're doing your best for her, not like you planned it, so please stop blaming yourself. You could ask the dad to come here to help (ok, if he's a waster who abandoned you both, maybe he won't, but you never know, people grow up sometimes). Just keep being honest with her, letting her know she can talk to you whenever she needs.

Does your council run any free clubs for people whose children are on universal credit. Ours does but it’s not really advertised you have to do a bit of googling to get to the page. That might help entertain her.
well done for finding a new job and school so quickly though. That’s a huge achievement.

No, my ex definitely wouldn’t come over to help. He can’t leave his wife alone apparently as she has manic episodes.

I’m not sure about the free holiday clubs but that’s a good idea, I will investigate! Thank you.

I'm so sorry for your difficult situation, but a massive well done. You shouldn't have to manage this alone but you have, you are amazing. As a lone parent myself, I can only imagine how stressful it has all been. Give yourself some grace, you are recognising that you are being more shouty than usual, I would say thats a completely normal response to the stress you're under. Can you ask your dad to have her for 2 hours over the weekend (or even two hours every weekend for now?) and have a coffee, a chill for those two hours before you're back to packing etc? I know two hours will make no real difference in the grand scheme of things, but it is something to hold on for.

Thank you @BinNightTonight. The problem is that when people have her, I want to use the time to get packing done, because it is quite difficult to get stuck into it with her around. But then I don’t get a break, so I suppose maybe I should try to prioritise myself a bit more.

That sure worked out for him then.

😂 yeah. It really did

You’re definitely not damaging her, you’re showing her that even when life shows you a bad hand you can work through it. Don’t try to be the instagram holiday mum.. have days you dedicate to your daughter and making memories mixed with other days you need to get things done.

and the memory making is simple cheap things..
. make a house out of boxes
. Cut a door in a big box and let her have a torch to crawl inside and get creative
. picnic at the park

honestly you’re doing great x