Argh! So stressed, worried I am going to damage my DD emotionally :(

[dollydoops]

I have had a couple of months from hell. I am a teacher and at the end of May we were told that our school was closing on 10th July (private school). I am a single mum to my 6 year old DD and her dad lives abroad so I have her 100% of the time, no family who can have her at all, and she also went to my school so since the end of May I have had to find a new job and find a new school for her. I also don’t drive so this process has been extra difficult because I had to rule out various schools because they were impossible logistically.

After about 5 weeks of horrendous stress trying to keep going at school, comfort the students who were about to lose their school, comfort DD who was devastated while frantically job hunting and working a second job exam marking in the evenings as well to save up some extra money, I finally found a job and a school for DD. Unfortunately though, it requires us to move house.

So now, it’s the summer holidays and I am trying to
-pack up my house
-deal with all the moving admin
-sort out all the admin for DD’s new school, fill in paperwork/buy uniform etc
-attend interviews at the job centre because I am having to claim universal credit
-prepare for my new job in which I’ll be teaching lots of new things
-do online tutoring 5 evenings a week to supplement my income

and all of this while entertaining DD and trying not to spend too much money.

i am so very stressed that it is frightening me a bit. My fuse is incredibly short, I shout at poor DD at the drop of a hat and I keep crying. My scalp is flaky, my skin is breaking out and I am only sleeping about 5-6 hours a night despite being exhausted.

not sure what I’m asking for here but does anyone have any tips for reducing my stress levels? AIBU to be worried that DD will be traumatised by having such a stressed out, shouty mum? :( thanks for reading!

Hi OP, if you Google "your local authority name" plus "holiday food and activities" then you should find the local offer for universal credit. Also check out any churches that run holiday clubs.

I think you are doing really well and one day you will look back on this period and feel proud of yourself.

Some charities that may be worth trying:

Who We Help - Teaching Staff Trust https://share.google/4peOwz5gipzauDSEm

You are working your way through an incredibly hard season, but you have a light at the end of the tunnel and you know this isn't forever. As a fellow teacher, I'm sure if you think about some of the kids you teach, many will have come through similar (or far worse) situations and are ok 😊 As a parent, I think kids can understand more than we give them credit for and it's good to acknowledge to them that you are under a lot of stress, apologise when you screw up, make up, move on. Talk about her feelings in the same conversation, you're both human. Emphasise that things will be easier when you move and are settled. I hope you manage to work out the logistics, you sound so on it!

You should be able to request phone appointments instead for UC. Make it very clear to them that you already have a job and it doesn't start until September, send them proof if necessary and it should keep them off your back. You'll unfortunately still probably have to have appointments but phone appointments should be a bit easier to manage.

You have a house and a new job. Try and focus on the positive and you will soon be moved in with a new fresh start to look forward to!

Just to say you're doing awesomely.

Id definitely get her to help pack where possible. Books, non breakables etc.

Definitely get balance app or calm app and stick them on at bed time. Or find a bore you to sleep soundtrack on YouTube!

Finally, have an early night with DD. Take hot choc to bed. Both get in yours. Chat about nothing. And then both go to sleep at the same time. My DD used to love that (and even now at 13 still climbs in on occasion for the same when needed).

I dont really have any practical advice but I just want to say whay an incredible woman you are.

Going through this awful event yet still managing to carry on, sort things out and prepare for the future.

You wont damage your DD at all. The opposite. You are showing her that sometimes life throws you these awful curveballs and it can be hard but you continue and work towards the future.

Youre being an inspiration to her and you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Aside from all the previous helpful suggestions to help yourself, to protect your DDs emotional and mental health, you need to talk to her about it all. She needs to be able to express her own feelings about the move and she needs to understand why you're on the edge. And most importantly she needs to know and believe that she's not doing anything wrong to cause your distress. Kids always blame themselves and create their own stories to explain things they're not told. So give her more information to protect her from inventing incorrect things.

Not super long conversations, just things like
"this is really hard at the moment. It's ok if you feel sad or angry about it."
"do you want to talk about all the changes?"
"I'm sorry I'm getting angry so much, it's not your fault"
"I'm crying because I feel so busy, but I'm ok and in a few weeks all the busy jobs will be finished "

Grants | Education Support https://share.google/66fPRYzDrZrhkLIGz

Yes I wanted to say this as well.

I have no advice for the rest of it, but you're absolutely brilliant for doing all of that at short notice. What a warrior.

They don't make grants any more but there is a really useful list on that page.

Jesus christ @dollydoops
You are a fucking superstar..... im not surprised you're struggling !!
Jeez.....life...it doesn't rain, it pours

No advice other than, this too shall pass....please be kind to both yourself and your daughter.... & for you!! X

I have been having these conversations with her, often straight after I have lost my temper and shouted. I just feel so bad that I must be confusing her and making her anxious.

we are having lots of hugs though and based on the advice on this thread, we have agreed to work as a team to pack tomorrow (she liked this idea and immediately went off to pack her little backpack ‘ so that we save time tomorrow, mummy’ 🥰) and then we are going to go swimming on Sunday. We are also going to my dad’s house for a few days next week, which will be a nice break (and a chance for me to claim my redundancy pay, argh!) even though I have to carry on doing the tutoring from there.

You have done incredibly well so far. Moving house is very stressful for anyone, but on your own, with a 6 year old and no other support, it is a heroic task. You are a hero! Just remember that this time will pass. You WILL get the house packed up and the move WILL take place and before you know it your DD will be starting her new school. Good luck to you with everything that lies ahead. It's clear that you have the strength and inner resources to cope, even if life feels overwhelming right now.

you have been amazing. Take out a small loan or lose some savings. you have a job and house lined up. You can sort money the other side of summer but you need to arrive ready to do well but full of guilt and fatigue. You actually need to trust that you are epic and worth the spend. Enjoy your time with your daughter and it will make the transition easier for you both.

I had similar once and took out a double figures loan to get me through - lied my arse off to the bank but they don’t care as long as you make the repayments which I did. That loan paid for things that kept life a bit normal at a tough time - retrospectively it was a great call.

Whether you choose medication or not, a chat with your GP would probably be worthwhile.

You sound amazing.
It is so stressful.
You are human.
Do not hesitate to apologise to your daughter.
It is a wonderful lesson to a child to hear their parent apologise sincerely.
Children are forgiving and this teaches them that we all make mistakes, its ok, you can forgive and be forgiven.
It is a greatvteaching moment for them.

Be kind to yourself.
It all sounds brutal.
Wishing you well.

OP, you are doing a very good job, I've been a lone parent and it is very difficult anyway, but the burden of being the sole income provider, and house packer, and entertainments officer, and so on, it does get too much. You have done very well indeed to find another job, and are understandably frayed around the edges.

I would set your standards for the rest of the summer pretty low. If your daughter watches too much TV or goes to the same park for a run-around, so be it, same for food, just do what you have to do to get through, to earn money and to pack up the house which does take longer than you think.

If you can throw yourself on the mercy of a few friends with similar age children, it might help, only if you feel you can though. Finding out the holiday provision for your local council for UC is a good idea, although you are a bit hampered by your inability to drive, I don't mean that in a mean way, more in admiration that you are also coping with the reasons for that as well.

Honestly, you are the opposite of damaging your daughter, you are showing her what resilience looks like. You can't be perfect so don't hold yourself to a crazy standard, having your dad over and doing the odd playdate for her would help, I'd also be honest with the mums you know about the stress you are under and they may offer to help.

You are amazing. Her dad is not. Does he have any family who can help or would he at least send you some extra to pay a local babysitter to take her out for a few days? That may give you just the time you need to get packed? Or even pay a removal firm to do it for you x

Her dad’s family are actually lovely, but they are all either too old, too disabled or too far away to help unfortunately , otherwise they would.

Well done the Labour party by introducing vat on school fees. Only country that has this tax on education. You’ve upended people’s lives.

OP I’m so sorry. Join a local facebook group locally and ask anonymously for support/ideas

You say her dad lives abroad - does he help out financially?

You should be incredibly proud of yourself managing all of these things at once.

Keep going - you will get there. Please reach out to friends and family for practical and emotional support too.

I've been through some really tragic and frightening times in the last few years (deaths of both parents, responsible for the care of the last one, and divorce). For me, medication was an absolute lifesaver. Of course, what's right for me isn't necessarily right for you, but it really made me calm down and helped me keep things in perspective. Medication has a really bad name in the UK, which is a pity, because I reckon a lot of people could benefit from it. It's enhanced my life considerably with virtually no side-effects.

If you are experiencing this much stress and struggling to cope, I think you should at least visit your GP. Tell them what you told us, and see what they say.

I don't know the situation with your ex, but is it possible that you could appeal to his better nature and ask him to send you some (more) money for a bit, until things are easier? Then you wouldn't have to take on extra work. Tell him that your stressful life is having an impact on your child. If that's a no, ask his parents. It's their son who shagged you and then left you in the lurch, after all. Don't be too proud to ask him and his family for support. You didn't get pregnant all by yourself. It takes two.

There is free mindfulness meditation stuff on YouTube.

You don't say if your child's new school is private, but if so, consider putting her into state?

You could also ask your parents for a small monthly stipend so that you don't have to take on extra work.

I just feel so bad that I must be confusing her and making her anxious.

No, it would be confusing and make her anxious if you didn't explain and apologise afterwards. What you're doing is modelling resilience and developing her emotional intelligence and empathy.

You have this. But just take 10 minutes each day for you.
5 minutes to write a to do list at the beginning (so it doesn't have to whirr in your head).
And 5 minutes just standing still at the end of your "working" day. Make it a set time...whatever is not done will have to wait til tomorrow. Breathe slowly, calmly and appreciating how amazing you are and how much you have achieved. Stand still..on the patio/lawn/balcony...just outside, if you can. Hold a hot drink if you feel odd standing still. Breathe. Still. You are amazing.

In a different situation but I can relate. I am extremely stressed with work and children this summer. My stress levels are appalling and I’m shouting and crying all the time. I’m also in peri. I wish I could stop working - I think I need a circuit breaker to avoid total burnout - but I pay 50 per cent of the bills and am self employed so can’t even go off on the sick.

there’s no answer except time and my kids being less demanding (one of them has SEND so the burden might never reduce tbh)

Could your dad come to your house so he can keep her occupied while you’re also around if need be?