Argh! So stressed, worried I am going to damage my DD emotionally :(

[dollydoops]

I have had a couple of months from hell. I am a teacher and at the end of May we were told that our school was closing on 10th July (private school). I am a single mum to my 6 year old DD and her dad lives abroad so I have her 100% of the time, no family who can have her at all, and she also went to my school so since the end of May I have had to find a new job and find a new school for her. I also don’t drive so this process has been extra difficult because I had to rule out various schools because they were impossible logistically.

After about 5 weeks of horrendous stress trying to keep going at school, comfort the students who were about to lose their school, comfort DD who was devastated while frantically job hunting and working a second job exam marking in the evenings as well to save up some extra money, I finally found a job and a school for DD. Unfortunately though, it requires us to move house.

So now, it’s the summer holidays and I am trying to
-pack up my house
-deal with all the moving admin
-sort out all the admin for DD’s new school, fill in paperwork/buy uniform etc
-attend interviews at the job centre because I am having to claim universal credit
-prepare for my new job in which I’ll be teaching lots of new things
-do online tutoring 5 evenings a week to supplement my income

and all of this while entertaining DD and trying not to spend too much money.

i am so very stressed that it is frightening me a bit. My fuse is incredibly short, I shout at poor DD at the drop of a hat and I keep crying. My scalp is flaky, my skin is breaking out and I am only sleeping about 5-6 hours a night despite being exhausted.

not sure what I’m asking for here but does anyone have any tips for reducing my stress levels? AIBU to be worried that DD will be traumatised by having such a stressed out, shouty mum? :( thanks for reading!

Another one to say, all power to you. 💕💪🏻💐
Genuinely. I do understand. I am in a similar position. It will settle. At 6, she will be more than able to make new friends so please stop doing yourself down. As for snapping, just explain to her as you would the kids you teach. You are human, not a machine. 🦾
There should be some local groups especially for those on UC and do not forget, you have to claim FSM with the new school directly (if your claim continues beyond Sept, which it might pending new salary).
You got this. 🏅<hands out medal cos you have earnt one>
As for stress, podcasts/shows from BBC sounds ( e.g. meet David Sedaris, Colin Hoult stand up show, plays, Michelle Visage bangers - there are all sorts). A lavender bubble bath ( for you, then stick DD in it 😉.
Nice easy watches - Kim's convenience, Schitts creek etc Whether you are marking or not, put some time aside for you or you'll go under.
Finally, easy wins for DD - any church/local activities, teddy bear + sarnies for easy picnic wherever you have it, at six they will or should manage a play park and you sit and read/let them get on with it a bit, look online for any freebie sand/water table or just get her some cheap chalks, a paintbrush and she can do chalk painting.
You are awesome x 🍀🍀🍀🍀

Quite frankly you sound to be doing heroically well. In the next few months you and your DD will settle into a new routine and a new period of stability. Everyday that passes is a day closer to this. And your DD will be fine. Hang on in there (and during especially stressful busy times, I wouldn’t cope without lots of lists with tasks I can tick off).

Ah, I just saw - you are still packing/need to pack.
In all honesty, I'd try and work round her sleep schedule whilst making sure you sleep yourself and rest.
So during the day, you rest while she plays or stick her in front of her favourite show - do a box here and there, then more boxing up when she is in bed.
Again, you are awesome x

You are being proactive trying to source new job, new school, new house.

Be kind to yourself. Ask her father for help.

You have tied yourself up into a bit of a tight knot OP but it sounds like you can actually loosen it now.
You have a new job, DD has a new school - you could be looking down a much worse lense than what you are.
And I get it, once I've got to that stage of fight or flight I can't let it go until I feel everything is actually okay. It makes me snappy and stressed too.
You won't feel like you can relax til your moved, in the new school and see your DD smile after her first day.
So remember there's no point stressing about what you can't control, you have done everything you can within your means and look at what you have achieved! A new house, job and school all in one go, that is something worth celebrating.
Your DD will be proud when you tell her when she's older, and right now she'd be happy with feeding the ducks, a trip to different parks maybe, do you live near a river or anything natural nearby?
Some of my best times as a child was when we had no money, but I did have my mum.

Is the school MSJ by any chance?

Congrats on finding a new job so soon.
It is very hard. But please remember your child is 6. So little. None of this is her fault. Walk out the room and take a deep breath before hollering at her.

Just to add that you're doing an amazing, heroic job! You'll get past this and then look back and wonder how you did it - sounds like you're good at digging deep and your daughter won't remember your stress. I sometimes apologise to mine for being grumpy and overwrought and she usually hasn't noticed! Wishing you both all the best in your new life 💐

Are there any holiday clubs you can send her to? Will give you the time you need to get things done and your daughter will have a great time with people her own age doing organised activities. If your on universal credit you will get 85% back towards the cost as long as they are ofsted registered. Good luck, once you are in your new home and settled it will all be ok.

I should add that the other problem is that DD is truly terrible at sleeping- I am starting to think she may have ADHD as she has so much energy and doesn’t seem to need much sleep- so she often isn’t in bed and asleep until 9pm or even later sometimes! Which means that I’m often too tired to do any packing by that time.

Dear god, when the dust settles (and it will) can you please write a self help book about how you have achieved what you have in 3 months!!

I need to go and lie in a darkened room just thinking about what you have managed to organise. Most people (me!) couldn’t do all that in a year or more 🤣.

Thanks @ownedbymydogs, that made me laugh!

i would like to add that it has actually been only two months… 😂

Everyone else has given excellent advice, so I've just come to say, try Kalms tablets to get through it. It worked wonders for me, somehow I could still "see" the stress but not feel it.

i truly feel for you. Sometimes awful stuff happens all at once and we get through it-as you will - & we look back and think wow I did it. Right now everything has come at once. But it’s not forever it’s just right now. Just prioritise important bits each day including an hour for yourself to have a cup of tea & relax. Keep going. This will pass. Your daughter is watching you get through this & she will never forget how strong her mum is. Big hugs & keep going x

My Dds are now adults. We went through lots of challenges when they were young during which our fuses were stretched to the limit. They did fine. They learned from it that people have their breaking points but that in the end we pull together.
Have a strategy for when you feel boiling point on its way. Stop .... count to 5 ... carry on.
Talk with your DD in quieter moments. Tell her how hard things are at the moment and that is why you are not as patient as normal. Say some positive things about how you are both working towards a new future together. Tell her how much you love her and that you are a team facing challenges together.

It is better for her to have a proper explanation in language she can understand than for her to wonder why the heck mum is not quite herself.

You will get through this and she will survive. My Dds survived all sorts of things.

You have done so well to have got all these solutions and plans in place ... a veritable storm of problems that you have solved. It's just all the practical stuff to find the energy for now. Good luck.

Just coming on to say I think you are incredible.

I work in a private school and can't imagine what a gut punch it is to lose your job in such an abrupt way.

Your daughter will be fine. Mine are late teens and don't remember anything from that age really!

One day you can tell your daughter all about this and she will be in awe.

Is your daughter persuadable to help you with packing? You could do books and things while she's up, and if she's reliable she might be able to help wrap crockery and things?

I'm not surprised you're completely exhausted. That's far too much to have to get sorted in a short period.

Can you cut down the tutoring to give you a bit of a break or will it be a disaster? You need to be well enough to do your new job in September.

Does she have any friends where you could ask for favours? I am sure a lot of people would be happy to plan a play date for your daughter given the amount you have going on at the moment.

I am going to be a bit less kind. Your daughter is presumably also going through a very hard time. Having to move school, having to move house. Having to see her Mother stressed and anxious. And having her Mother yelling at her too.
Here's a sentence that helps to ground me at these times. ' When the adult is the victim, the child becomes the victim.' My life is immensely stressful but I try to remind myself of that every day.

You have very real and substantial stresses. But my focussing on your experiences, your narrative is of your victimhood. That means your daughter's needs have been pushed out of the narrative. And that means she becomes the recipient of all your stresses. That makes her the victim.

I hope this perspective helps.

You’ve got this. Children are so resilient and this emotionally difficult time will hopefully soon be a distint memory. You’re amazing for working through this and there are better times ahead. You’ve got this. Sending you a virtual hug x

Can you find a local teenager to entertain your daughter for a few hours? I am sure there are loads of college students who could do this and it would be inexpensive....

I think you’re doing brilliantly! But even at 6, I think your DD is old enough to have some conversations about this: I’m sorry mummy shouted earlier, I know that everything is going to be OK but I’m a bit frazzled because we still have so much to do to get ready to move house.

I’m sorry if I was grumpy, I feel a bit sad because I liked our old school and I’m sad that we had to make so many changes so quickly. Let’s just sit down for 5 minutes with a biscuit and tell each other jokes to chase the sadness away.

I’m absolutely not saying push it onto her or make her feel more worried or stressed, but it’s important to acknowledge when we’re not at our best - it’s a good lesson to learn for life.

There are times when I think I'm going to ditch MN, but then I read something like this and I think, no, there are still good people on here. OP, you are smashing it. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but you blimmin' well ARE.
Get her dad to pay for a car & driving lessons. The sheer amount of freedom will gladden your & DD's hearts. 👊

It does. Thank you.

Believe me, I would have learnt to drive long ago
if it were possible. Sadly I have a medical condition which prevents me from driving.

Hi OP. Sounds like you’re doing amazing and one day your little girl will know what her super mum has done for her. I’m sure she will be ok - lots of hugs! And kids don’t need exciting holidays. They just need their family and love.

advice for stress: CBD or ashwaganda? More natural options that may take the edge off.

obviously diet, sleep, exercise, water. But in the real world for you at the moment I imagine that’s all out the window.

for money - do you not get any redundancy pay of sorts?? Feels horrendous to just lose your job like that

I can’t really cut down the tutoring as I need the money unfortunately.