Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

Mmm thats a hard one, if they were younger then absolutely treat them all the same. They are teenagers now so their feelings need to be taking into account. If they don't get on it shouldn't be forced. You're entitled to want to spend time with your niece and nephew without the step children being there.

I could see his point about the Christmas presents if there's a huge disparity, like new cars versus boxes of Quality Street - but in that case I'd switch to token gifts for everyone during the family exchange and then give the more expensive gifts privately, maybe not labelled as a "Christmas" present. But the concert thing doesn't even make any sense. That's clearly a special thing for you and your niece as individuals - you didn't even invite your nephew, and he's not pushing you to invite his stepson. It almost sounds like he's treating his children as objects or pawns rather than people.

(I'd almost be tempted say the concert is a special outing for you and your niece since you both love the artist - can he recommend some specific concerts that each of the other three would like to attend based on their favourite music? Betcha he can't, even for his own son he's known all his life.)

In your situation I’d focus on your niece & nephew and support them during this period of upheaval. They must be heartbroken by their DF putting his step DCs before them. You seem to be on good terms with your former SIL, so I’d make all future arrangements through her.

Sounds like he’s rushed into this. Moving in together after 6mths and both have kids

but not a big enough place for a room each so 5 bedrooms

they shouldn’t have to now share their rooms

Ask your brother if he is insisting his wife's family take along your niece and nephew every time they do anything with their Grandchild/niece/nephew. I bet he isn't. So it's a demand that applies to only one side of the family.

Either way it's ridiculous. You have your own relationship as Aunt-Niece and Aunt-Nephew that does not require his permission at the age these children are. I agree it will be easiest to treat them and have one on one time with them when they are with their mums. Just give all the kids a selection box or whatever when they are at their dad's. (Tell your niece and nephew that this is the deal).

Regarding g the stepchildren, usually on mn they should be considered the same, so invited to family barbecues etc. However,these are older and you’ve only known the, a short time, so I wouldn’t exclude them from family events, buy Christmas presents etc. However, it’s fine to treat nieces and nephew to events.

Regarding g the stepchildren, usually on mn they should be considered the same, so invited to family barbecues etc. However,these are older and you’ve only known the, a short time, so I wouldn’t exclude them from family events, buy Christmas presents etc. However, it’s fine to treat nieces and nephew to events.

I'd tell him that you will treat his step children the same as his children when he treats them all the same! The nerve of him to not only prioritise his step kids over his bio kids but to expect everyone else to do so as well! 😡

This, of course you’re not going to exclude them from family events, but also of course you’re going to continue to treat them and meet them. fuck your brother and his failure to support his children. Go through the mum.

This is what I find so weird on MN, most of the time on step parent threads the OP gets slated if its suggested step dc shouldn't be treated exactly the same by everyone the moment the parents' relationship is formalised.

But even if YOU decide you want ro blend two families and think it will all work out and be happy ever after, you cant make the extended family feel the same about random kids they've suddenly had thrust into their lives.

Yes if the step children are very young when they join the family thats a bit different to teenagers. But even then there's a disconnect when people expect the step kids to have the same amount spent at Christmas, grandparents show the same interest in them etc....yet even if you insist on this you cant make the grandparents, for example, split their will equally and that could end up being far more upsetting to the kids down the line, if theyve grown up with this pretence that the extended family see them all the same, whereas in reality its just something the grandparents/aunts and uncles etc have done to keep the peace.

At the end of the day blood relation is important to most families. It is what the whole concept of family is based on! That doesnt mean non-blood family members are less important but its ridiculous to think that you can just tell someone that they should start loving a child and expect them to switch feelings on like that.

I think its much fairer to draw the lines from the start and make clear that nanna and granddad (or whoever) are DC's grandparents, not yours. That doesn’t mean they cant still form a bond with step children - adults can have wonderful and beneficial relationships with children in their lives in all sorts of different ways - mentor, teacher, family friend, godparents, etc. Just don't pretend its something its not.

We treat our grandchildren exactly the same, whether step or genetically related. However, that's because they have been in our lives since they were very small and I can't imagine anyone being unkind enough to differentiate between small children. We're very grateful to be included in all their lives, and they all bring us great joy.

If we hadn't met them until they were mid teens, things would have been very different. We would have been kind and welcoming and tried our best to get to know them. But it would have been unreasonable for anyone to expect them to treat us like actual grandparents or vice versa. You're not being at all unreasonable, but your brother is. It's likely he's done, and will continue to do, irreparable harm to his relationship with his children. But that doesn't mean you have to play along. Cut him out entirely and go through the mother.

This is a good idea, carry on with the close emotional relationship, and maybe you’ll have to do equal Christmas presents for all kids theyre not far off 18 so when they’re older it will be easier. They may end up choosing to live full time with their mum anyway. What a sad situation

Your brother is stupid if he thinks he can force the same feelings you have for your niece and nephew you have known from birth and his step kids you have known a couple of years. It sounds like he's pushed his own DC out to make room for step kids. His own kids must be really upset. Show your niece and nephew they still come first with you. Organise visits and treats through their mother. Ignore your stupid brother. In a few years they will be 18 and they can see whoever they want.

Yet another case of a man putting his own children second in order to accommodate the children of a new partner.

It is so true when they say that a man’s feelings about children are a product of how he feels about their mother.

OP just work with your niece and nephew’s mum. The kids (not to mention you!) are well and truly old enough to not be forced into playing happy families with a bunch of effective strangers that their dad has decided to adopt.

"they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them."

Correct. Have the relationship you choose. End.

Your relationships are your own affair. Your brother's opinions are irrelevant.

He has abandoned his children, I'd say your relationships with them are now more important than ever. Ignore him, or tell him bluntly what a shit father he is.

How you.interact with his stepchildren is also your decision, not his.

Some of my siblings treat all our kids the same. Some don’t. It’s up to them not me.

I would tell him that your relationship with his kids is not dependent on him. You can contact them directly or go via his ex. He needs to focus on improving his own relationship with them before he starts dictating what others can do.

YANBU. Your niece and nephew have expressed that they would prefer outings and time with you to continue without their step-siblings. You are clearly a lovely aunt who has built a positive relationship with them, and they no doubt value the consistency you have provided over the years during a lot of change. You can’t force and insist on that same relationship overnight with step-teenagers you have only just met.

I had a falling out with my best friend over this several years ago.

I had known her children from the day they were born and as she was a single mum I was a huge part of their lives and looked after them 3 days a week whilst she was working for years.
I have no children so I spoilt them, took them for days out and went on holidays with them, I had them regularly overnight and they called me “auntie” or sometimes even “mum 2” if I was telling them off 😂.

My friend met someone with a boy who was 12 and and a girl of 14 when her two daughters were 13 and 15 and moved him into her house after 9 months. Her daughters were completely against the idea and hated her boyfriend’s kids.

My friend said I had to treat all the kids the same and if I was talking her daughters out her “stepkids” had to come too.
I bought her eldest an Apple Watch for her 16th birthday and my friend said I needed to get something of similar value for a kid I hardly knew when their birthday came up. She wasn’t happy when I laughed and told her to fuck off!

I posted on here at the time and got mixed advice but the majority said she was being ridiculous and to keep up the relationship with the girls independently if I could.
My friend made it so difficult though and so I tried to get to know her boyfriend’s kids so I could still be in her daughters lives but I just didn’t like them and hated spending time with them.

At one point her eldest ran away and was gone for 5 days until she phoned me and asked me to pick her up, she wanted to stay with me but my friend wouldn’t allow it, she refused to kick her boyfriend out and things got messy.

My friend stayed with her boyfriend for 2 years who was a cock lodger and treated her like shit and so did his kids, by the time she saw the light and kicked him out though she’d ruined her relationship with her own daughters, her mother (because she disagreed with her decisions and refused to treat all kids equally as well) and me.

I still see her adult daughters now and they say they will never properly forgive their mum, they love her but can’t get past the fact she didn’t put them first.

You can’t just force yourself to love kids you don’t know and it’s difficult when you don’t even like them. I was frustrated at being expected to treat two kids I hardly knew and strongly disliked the same as two kids that I loved like my own.
I imagine it’s even harder if it’s a blood relation and you feel forced to treat the same to keep the peace.
I disagree with people who say they should be treated equally if they are small children as the kids didn’t choose to have step siblings forced into their lives and be expected to pretend their relationships are equal or to have to share space or presents and have no control over it.

Anyone who can do this to their children is a shit parent and doesn’t care about anything but their own happiness.
I don’t think it’s fair to expect other people to go along with the pretence it’s one big happy family and validate shit decisions.

My friend’s daughters went from having their own rooms to having to share with each other and a girl they hardly knew who stole and broke their things, invaded their space and caused arguments between them all.
I don’t blame OP’s niece and nephew for not staying at their dad’s house, I just think it’s very sad that they’ve been pushed out and they must feel like they have been replaced.
I hope OP can be there for them and refuses to go along with the charade that kids she hardly knows are as important and equal to the kids she’s spent their whole lives building a bond with.