Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

If arrange your interactions through their mum and ignore my brother. But then again I dislike my brother and that’s how I prefer it anyway lol. Their mums are happy for me to see them, so I arrange through them and leave him out of the equation

I'm usually a big advocat for step/any kid who joins another family but I think teens are a whole other ball game 😂

As a step child myself, I agree with you prioritising time with your niece and nephew BUT still think you should make an effort with your step niece and nephew. It doesn't have to be exactly the same, but make an effort to build a relationship with both of them. Send cards and a small gift each birthday/Christmas etc.

I never expected the same relationship with my step family as my step cousins have, but I value the one I do have with them those step aunts/uncles who made an effort with me - and continue to do so - I not only have a lot of respect for but really appreciate the time they've invested in me. I am still embraced by their family, but there no point in pretending its the same as my bio family because it isn't.

My thoughts also. The DSC are mid teens, barely know OP and don't get on well with their step siblings. Who knows, maybe DB just wants them out of his face for a bit.

I don’t get why your brother is trying to force a relationship between you and his step children. They’re teenagers who will have no interest in their step dads sister. I’m sure they’d love money and gifts but I can’t imagine a teenager wanting to spend quality time with some random woman. They’ll be adults soon. I wouldn’t bother

Agree.

He cannot dictate to you what you must do with children that are not related to you. Talk to the neice and nephew and sort arrangements with them. The extra expense and breaking up a good relationship so he 'looks good' to his new partner.

I expected dh to treat my kids the same as his, but asking his family to would have been ridiculous. To even plant that seed of thought into his step kids’ minds is giving them unrealistic expectations and quite frankly unfair.

I was expecting people to be more split on this so I’m pleasantly surprised.

I find the step children quite unpleasant and grabby. I don’t think they have any interest in spending time with me, which is fair enough, but they’ll put up with me for a free concert. They want anything that I buy for, or do with, my niece and nephew. My niece and nephew say they complain to their mum, who then complains to my brother, so he’s probably doing it to try to keep the peace. I do think he makes more effort with his wife’s children that his own though which I find upsetting so I’m sure my niece and nephew do.

I will take the advice here and just go through their mum to make any plans and give gifts. We haven’t done that so far as we were trying to be respectful of his new relationship and the fact he is their dad but I agree that he shouldn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do with or for my niece and nephew when he isn’t showing much care for them.

I feel the "include everyone at all costs" approach has gone too far.
In larger groups of family or friends, people should be free to choose who they spend time with. If everyone is expected to be included in everything, it undermines genuine relationships. Friendships and closer relationships in families grow through voluntary connection, not social obligation.

Otherwise, people end up spending time together because they feel they have to, or they stop doing things altogether.
There's an important difference between being kind and being obligated. Kindness means treating people with respect and avoiding unnecessary exclusion. It doesn't mean every activity, conversation, or friendship has to include everyone.

People who label any decision not to include everyone as "bullying" or "ostracising" are using moral pressure and accusations to control other people's relationships and choices. Hate this.

I think whether you like them or not is largely irrelevant. In fact, I'd feel sorry for them as I would for your niece and nephew -- their lives have also also been upended by adult decisions that bring them absolutely no benefit and lots of extra stress. But the fact remains that these kids were teenagers before you knew they existed, and they will only be in your life for as long as your brother's relationship lasts, in the same way that they will only be in your brother's life as long as his relationship lasts. (And, given that he moved four teenagers in together after a mere six months, it doesn't strike me as likely to endure.)

My parents became besotted by my sister's stepchildren, and adored them. Until their father had an affair, ended things with my sister while the children were at their mother's, and wouldn't allow her to see them, even to say goodbye. (Too young to have their own phones.) My parents likewise never saw them again. She's since remarried, and has teenage stepchildren, but no one is making that mistake again.

Shame he isn’t including his own children in his life as much as he’s including his partner’s children. The balance is already unequal m. I’d just ignore him. Your niece and nephew are old enough to communicate directly with you to arrange times to meet up and gift exchanges. Just leave him out of the loop and do what you want to do.

My brother in law tried this.
Phoned my husband and said we couldn't give our niece spending money for a holiday unless we gave to the other children as well.
Sorry you don't get to tell us how to spend our money.
Everything goes through her mum now.

If I was the mother I would be grateful that you were very obviously prioritizing HER kids.

I disagree that they should always be included in family things with cousins, nieces and nephews. Especially not when OP’s actual niece and nephew are already feeling pushed out and replaced. They’ve had enough of their father trying to push these kids on them, they don’t need the rest of family doing it. If that happens, they’re likely to just start avoiding family gatherings altogether.

Sometimes ‘one big family’ just isn’t possible, and the reality is that by including some, you risk hurting and losing the people you actually do love and care about. ‘Treating them the same’ really isn’t inherently a good thing.

There have been threads recently from one poster who kept trying (and failing) to push her eldest child onto her step sister and in laws, and doing so has resulted in her now getting divorced.

What poster is that?

I can’t remember the full username, but it had ‘Spanish’ in it. She’s had multiple threads about it all.

I would tell them to bugger off. Those kids are NO ONE to you. Arrange to do stuff with their mum on her time. That way he has no say.
if it means losing a relationship with someone who throws out his kids then good riddance.

We also had similar.
We don’t do anything - gifts, cards or anything for those kids. 3 of them of varying ages so one gift wouldn’t work.

So we do everything on the Mum’s time. We recently took our nephews away on holiday and the cheek of them to expect it to be made up to them. We did not sign up to 3 random kids.
We also bought them devices and expensive gifts to be kept at the mum’s place. I really don’t care tbh. My only priority is our nephews and relationship with their mum who isn’t our relative but we value her.

maybe your brother has failed to notice the distinction between doing something because you genuinely enjoy spending time with them and a giving a purely material gift.

you could gently remind him you love your niece and nephew and want to spend the time with them- it’s not about money for you! Maybe he’ll begin to understand…….

in the meantime you’ll just have to be more discreet with spending time with them I think!

Kids are unhappy in these situations a lot of the time, but no one is a voice for them.

"One big happy family" is mostly a lie that keeps the parents happy.

This is what I do. I have two brothers - 5 nieces and nephews from one brother (4 mums) and 2 from the other brother. Because the one brother with kids with 4 different women in my life I have had 14 other step kids come and go along the years. I’m not treating them the same. A lot of them are related to my one neice or nephew or another - but I still don’t treat them the same, they’ve all got their own dads and their own aunts and uncles. I do things for my nieces and nephews because I can do nice things for them and most of them don’t get nice things a lot

First post nails it and I'm glad this is the approach you're going to take now, OP.

Your brother is a total idiot. His children have had so much huge change (the split, two homes, the new relationship, the marriage, then having to share with two children they don't get on with) and he really thought it was OK to spend less time with them?

He should be having more time, 1:1 and 2:1 with them, not forcing them into a Disney idea of blended 'family'.

No, he doesn't get to dictate that you spend money and time on his stepchildren.

Why though? OP barely knows these kids - they aren't her niece and nephew. Brother can choose to blend his family but he cannot insist that everyone else prioritises this new arrangement over what their actual niece and nephew want.
Those kids are miserable, their dad has effectively thrown them under the bus and they deserve for their aunt to not indulge their father's utter fuckwittery!

Id also bypass brother, tell him nothing and contact the kids directly and through their mum.

@WatchingFlowersGrow sensible decision and there is no reason at all why you can’t maintain a relationship with not only your niece and nephew but also your ex sister in law , who presumably you have known for a long time . Your brother is being very short sighted alienating his own children .

I am glad you have found this thread useful and that you have formulated a way forward with your niece & nephew.

The stepchildren may well have family on their mum's side similarly looking out for them so may not be missing out anyway.

I think blending nuclear families is hard enough without trying to blend the whole extended family too.

I hope you manage to spend lots of quality time with your niece & nephew, they are lucky to have you in their lives!