Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

In all honesty I would stop going through my brother for anything and go through their Mum instead. If you want to take them to a concert, ask her, drop the xmas gifts off with her etc.

Its a difficult situation for everyone, so removing gifts and outings from your brothers time is probably the most sensitive way to handle it.

Thank goodness they have you as a lovely aunt, to make up for what a rubbish man their father is being.

How utterly awful his bio children feel pushed out of their home for his new wife's kids. :(

What's he actually going to do if you do continue to take your bio n&n out - they are at least very nearly of an age where they are free to see you and he can't do anything about it, surely! I'd sacrifice my relationship with my brother if that's what it came to.

I think of the step children were younger children I’d agree they should be treated equally. However I think it’s a bit different at their ages as they’re old enough to understand

Just because your brother has essentially replaced his children with new ones doesn't mean you have to.
Keep.your relationship with them independent of them.

If your n&n now barely even stay over at his home, he needn't even know you've taken your niece to a concert. He doesn't even need to know what gifts you get them if you give them to them directly/at their mother's. Not that I am especially advocating keeping secrets as such, but what he doesn't know and all that!

At the expense of her relationships with her actual niece and nephew?

OP, YANBU. Ignore your brother. Your relationships with your niece and nephew are independent of him, and not something he has any right to dictate.

I would go through their mum from now on.
If your brother wants to ruin his relationship with his kids that’s up to him but he can’t dictate what you do.

Organise seeing them through their mum , just bystep your brother entirely. He doesn’t get to dictate how you see your nice or nephew or how much you spend on them. He can focus on his new replacement family whilst you focus on his actual kids.

Maintain your independent relationship with your niece and nephew as it is. They're nearly adults, and a stable, sensible aunt is a very valuable ally and influence in their situation.

My brother's kids (16 and 18) and I see each other independently of their dad; I arrange it directly with each of them and check with their mum if needed.
My brother's not a twat, and his new partner is as good a step-parent as she can be and not planning children.

It's still helpful and healthy to have a decent, related adult who cares about THEM in their lives.

Totally weird behaviour from your brother. He will regret it one day when his own children dont want anything to do with him. My father did the same to us, even told us we couldn't call him dad in front of step siblings as it upset them as they didn't see theirs. He wasn't at my wedding, never met my children and I geuinely have no feelings for him. You reap what you sow.

What do the rest of your family think? Parents? Other siblings etx?

You are not unreasonable at all, you're a wonderful Auntie. This is what's always missed with the "you should treat them all the same", it's devastating for children to be replaced like that.

I would tell him if he thinks they need to be treated equally he should spend some time with his own children as he does with the step children.

Your brother is an idiot because if he and his wife split, he'll probably never see those children again, and he's ruined his relationship with his children (and probably their self esteem with it).

Talk directly to your niece, nephew and their mum. No need for you to tell your brother how much you’re spending on your niece and nephew or where you bring them. Continue to have a good relationship with them. You sound like a lovely Auntie.

Do the step DC even want to be treated equally? Do they want to go to concerts and things with a random woman? Are they even expecting equal presents?

Its all just a messy situation for all the children tbh. None of them should have to share a room with their step siblings. Your brother is creating a rivalry between the children by forcing equality which is going to harm their relationship with each other and with him. I would keep treating the step DC kindly and respectfully but you dont need to spend equal amounts on presents or equal trips out. What's your brother going to do about it?

That's so sad. Your poor nephew and niece not only "lost" their father to his new "kids", but now might have relationships with loving aunty stolen from them.

Your nephew and niece are old enough to have sort of independent relationship with you and your brother doesn't get to dictate it.

I had this sort of situation. My brothers step children had their own family connections with the real fathers and it was some fantasy in his own head.

It was a no from me.

Another blended family shitshow. YANBU. You sound like a lovely aunt.

You have every right to make your own decisions for how to manage your relationship with your niece ond nephew, he can't control that. As the first post suggests, keeping communication through their mum is probably the best way to achieve that.

He has every right to uphold the unity of his family and he may refuse invitations that exclude his step children and that's fine, respect that. But your niece and nephew are old enough to make arrangements with separately and he can't stop that.

You can do low-value token gifts when at your brother's house and give the real present separately at their mum's.

There are plenty of threads on mumsnet from the other POV where a mum is trying to work out how to protect her child/ren from being spurned as "not real family" and that urge to protect is also valid.

Stepmum here. And one of my DC's is a stepmum, so I have step-DCs (12 and 7). I also have DGC in the 11 - 16 age range.

If the DCs in question were younger I'd be more inclined to try to treat them the same as far as possible. While you get to know them.

But, given these children are young adults now and you have established-over-time insights into the interests of your bio-DNs and where they overlap with yours, your DB is being completely unreasonable.

We do different things with our DGCs - we treat them equally, but differently. Regular footie with one, cinema trips with the other, poker nights with the third. With the step-DGCs, we are learning whatbthey like still, and slowly including them in where interests align and timetables permit.

Your DB is trying to force relationships instead of letting them develop naturally, and is taking for granted in a horrible way that he has the right and the power to interfere in your established relationship with his children and to command you to spend time with his stepchildren on pain of ostracism. He has no empathy or understandingbat all, and is prepared to do damage to the relationship you have with his DCs in order to keep his current wife sweet.

I'd be negotiating with DNs' mum from now on, and f@ck your brother and his high- handed edicts.

He's not upholding the unity of his family, he's putting his new family above his old one and centring someone else's children instead of his own.
And demanding OP does the same.

A lot of posters will no doubt disagree with this but no I wouldn’t see these children as my niece and nephew nor would I be dictated to where I took my niece and nephew I’d known since birth. Your brother doesn’t get to dictate what you do in your time with your family. He’s a shit parent expecting teenagers who don’t really know each other or like each other to share rooms. That’s selfish.

Your brother sounds like an asshole who's completely sold his own children out. Chosen his wife and step kids over his own children. I wouldn't be taking orders from him in any way, shape or form. He can like it or not, that's up to him.

Exactly. But hey, as long as the parents are happy and "partnered up", who cares about the children.

Your brother is being very unreasonable.

Do you dare to tell him the truth? Niece and nephew need some space from their new step-siblings.

I would put my DB on an information diet.

Does anyone (other than their Mother as primary parent) really need to know where you take them?

They aren’t far off being adults.

I would try or make sure that there wasn’t an obvious difference in gifts handed over in from of the step children (eg at Christmas) but that wouldnt stop me giving my niece and nephew additional treats privately.

Their Dad has treated them very poorly.