Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

TBH I don’t even have the same relationship with my DH’s nieces and nephews that have with my own
I would treat the SC kindly but continue to have the relationship with your DNs that you want

I agree with your brother on spending the same for christmas and birthdays. If your niece doesn’t want to do things with step siblings then maybe you do something with step niece seperately.

Perfect response

When his kids need therapy…. Will they all be going??

I can only imagine if this was written by the brother's wife, complaining that her kids were not getting treated the same, responses would be different. Thete are countless threads like that.

OP I'd just go through the mother. Harder said than done though.

Just arrange things through DNs mum rather than your brother.

Yes I'd agree with that. Say that you will do things with each child separately rather than include several on a trip. Then ask the step niece what she wants to do. She may not be bothered about building a relationship with step aunts !

I'd be interested in whose house they've moved in to, the new wife's or the brother's, or whether they bought a three bedroom house, to come up with this wholly unsuitable living situation.

Arrange the concerts etc on the mums time, liaise directly with the kids. Once the kids are 18 I don't think you need to buy the step kids presents anyway as they're not children anymore so there's only a few years left of having to bother. Tbh I don't think I would have bothered to get into that in the first place.

But why should she do anything with the step niece if she doesn't want to?

Idiot couldn't even properly hold on to the relationship with his children, but wants to dictate yours? Ignore him.

Your DB has done something really wrong here blending the two families at their age. Stick up for them and you and say no, I am allowed a relationship with niece and it’s important she has time on her own considering he seems not to care about his DC personal boundaries. I mean what idiot moves an unrelated teen boy in with a girl during teen years! FFS it’s hard enough!

If they hardly see their dad your brother then why on earth is he interfering in other people's relationships with them? I would just go through their mum for gifts and seeing them. They are old enough to have their own relationships outside of their parents. Don’t ruin your relationship with them over your brother.
You can have a separate relationship with his step children if you choose

I think it is really important that you do the same with your niece and nephew as you have always done. The message needs to be 'our relationship is the same as it has always been, nothing has changed.' And yes, go through their Mum.

Of course it is nice that you give presents to the stepchildren, but they don't have to be of the same value. As someone said, they are all old enough to understand ..... except, apparently, your brother.

Well let's assume this marriage is rock solid and these step children will be in her DB life for the duration so maybe it would be nice to do something with them and build some kind of relationship. I am not saying she has to go OTT but my kids are treated well by my ex's wife's family and I am very grateful. Of course the relationship isn't as strong as eg with my sister and brother who they've known theor whole lives. But efforts are made to be inclusive and welcoming and I think that's right. The kids didn't ask to be part of this new family either but don't need to be treated like second class citizens as a result

I’d arrange things either through their mum or directly with them instead. I wouldn’t really mention to brother.
if you do as he asks you are going to lose your relationship with your niece and nephew.
xmas maybe get them each a similar gift (particularly if they open them together) and then do something with your niece and n phew like take them shopping in January.

Your brother's needs/wants shouldn't be your priority. You should put your niece and nephew first, even if that means organising everything through their mum.

Yanbu. Organise things with the 16 year old directly regarding them as they are old enough to manage their own relationships and social life, go through the mum about the 14 year old, from sounds of it she's decent and will probably work with you to maintain that relationship with your niece and nephew if their Dad won't.

Typical bloke, prioritising his wife's offspring over his own. It's so common.

youre doing the right thing, you had a relationship with your N&N before his wife children were on the scene so that shouldn't change and your brother can't dictate to you how you spend your money. Just ignore him, especially as they are getting to adulthood.

Jeez your brother is bonkers. Can’t help feel his new wife is going to be a handful

Your brother is being awful towards his own children. You sound like a lovely aunt, please continue doing what you do and ensure that you are a kind and caring adult in their lives, regardless of what your brother thinks.

Relationships with stepfamily cannot be forced. It is bad enough that children in a divorce have to have their lives turned upside down without any say in the matter, they shouldn't have to then bend to the whims of their parents' love lives afterwards too when it is to their detriment.

100% this!

He really is being a very shit dad.

I just wanted to give a different pov on this… my parents divorced when I was young my dad remarried a woman who already had kids and lived with them full time (they also did not have a relationship with their dad really). When we visited him we were expected to share rooms because…. We had to! Where else were my step siblings gonna go?! And my dad has always treated them the same as us cos they didn’t have a dad and they needed one! They’ve had the same house deposit money, the same wedding budget and the inheritance will be split equally 4 ways between us when the time comes. The consequence of him treating my step siblings as his own is that we are all now incredibly close in adulthood we are like blood relatives because we were treated like equals. I think there were times that was a bit hard in the early days? But ultimately I am so glad to have such a large close family and I’m so glad my dad was able to be a father figure to kids who needed him. I know this is really what the post is asking but still as the bio child in a similar situation that worked out great I wanted to share.

Their father is failing them horribly. I'm so glad you aren't. He's a grown man - they're vulnerable teenagers. I'd ignore him and liaise via their mum from now on, as everyone else says.

I'm so glad they have you. He's driving his relationship with them off a cliff.

He's out of order! You have a relationship with your own niece and nephew and a relationship with your step ones will develop in time.
Weirdly I have 3 nieces and just get in better with 2 of them. My sibling tries to force the relationship with the third niece but I just push back/ignore them because it is what it is. She doesn't seem bothered - she doesn't interact much when I'm around her. ! I treat her the same with presents at Christmas and birthdays!

Jeez wjat knob head....

I'd just work round him.

Arrange things directly and do it on the mother's time (with her agreement)

I'd do something mega low key 2 x per year
Brunch and you pay for your own families
A national trust day and each family takes a picnic.

Christmas all 4 would get a box of chocolates and I'd send a card with £40 each or whatever to their mum house and tell them its on the QT. Similar for birthdays.

They'll be adults soon id just string it along. Bin him off and preserve the relationship with them.