Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

Wow. What a shit parent. His insistence on treating his own children equally to someone else's children, is causing a breakdown in his relationship with them. Yet he wants you to do the same.

If you thought he may be reasonable about it I'd explain my concerns that he is ruining his own relationship with them and how it's inappropriate to treat someone equally when you don't have any relationship with them. But it sounds like he wouldn't have a reasonable relationship. In which case I'd be making arrangements throigh the kids mum or through them directly. He can't exactly stop you if he doesn't see them much

OP, your niece and nephew are old enough to communicate with you independently. Message them, invite, make your home a safe place for them to turn up when they need to. Your brother has decided to risk his relationship with his children in the mistaken hope of building his relationship with his step children and by the sounds of things, this has not gone well. Don't be bullied into making the same mistake with your niece and nephew.

Never have they needed you more by the sounds of things. He can't dictate what you or they do: everyone is too old. 16 year olds pick who they want to spend time with. Has he always been controlling? It is bad enough not making time to see his own children but even worse to forbid anyone else from doing this. You sound like a fabulous Auntie. I reckon you'll find your way through this with a bit of ingenuity and discretion.

Agree with this. Go through mum and do it on her time.

Wow what an utterly selfish man and absolutely shit father.

He has no consideration for his own children at all in this situation. I’d be keeping my distance from your brother and as others suggested start going through the teens yourself with their mother.

Be really vague directly with him about the stuff he is saying. He sounds utterly controlling so just tell him absolutely nothing, agree to nothing just keep him in the dark.

Your niece and nephew deserve so much more.

Yes, seems the most sensible option. You don't need his permission OP. He's hardly with them and they're old enough to make their own arrangements now. There's not a great deal of control he can actually exert.

I wonder as well whether the DSC are even bothered for doing stuff with OP, someone they don't even know. At that age, got to be a fair chance they've no interest, could even find it awkward. His demands smack of being about the adults.

@WatchingFlowersGrow
Honestly? I think your DN and DN need you now more than ever and to be able to spend time with you, since they are not a priority for your brother.

I would try and see them often snd if I had room in my house (or not), invite them to spend the night with you. They need to know and be reassured that they are still important members of the family, even if their fsther is being a twat-waffle.

I'm a big believer in treating all kids in families (step or otherwise) the same but given they are teens, I would'nt stop having 1-1 quality time with your dn+n

I think gifts should be equal at Christmas and they should all be invited to family things and included in the wider group of nieces/nephews but that you can do things alone with your niece. All children in a family should be treated as equal as possible but some people have stronger relationships than others and at 14 they can manage those themselves.

They're old enough to understand they don't know you as well as their step siblings do and you've had much much more time with his biological children to build a relationship. So one on one days out aren't the same.

Your brother is a shit father. His children didn't want that marriage or set up but he did it anyway. He needs to be told the truth. You need to put the kids first. This is tricky, though.

So essentially he has pushed his own children into a situation they are uncomfortable with and now doesn't seem them wow ! Just wow !
Unbelievable behaviour and trying to get u in on it as well !
Don't bow down to him their your niece and nephew go throu their mum in future your brother is a piece of work and his children should always come first ! Maybe show him this thread x

So not only the children are now expected to arrange their lives around their parents' new love interests and their offspring, but now the wider family as well? This is a prime example 'us before them'. You don't have to play that game to make this excuse of father to feel better. The disruption to his children's life alone merits reconsideration of your views of him, totally. This man has veyr poor judgement.

At 14 and 16 surely they have their own phones? Just cut out the middle man and arrange stuff directly with them - no need for your brother to be involved at all.
You have no obligation to the step kids, its different if they join the family as toddlers/young kids but as older teens I don't suppose they want to be hanging out with some random from their step fathers family.

Your brother is a total and utter selfish, ignorant bastard to his children. Is he under his new wife's thumb? Not only has he displaced his own dc and their relationship with their dad but he is now undermining their relationship with their wider family.

Tell your brother to fuck off and only arrange thing through their mother. He's pathetic.

I can't believe the expectations of gifts for four children, his step dc will have relatives to give them gifts, take them out.

Unbelievable.

I would go through their Mum when needed and protect your relationship with them by organising things directly with them where possible.

The stupid thing is that your brother is actually harming any decent relationship you would have built with his step children by insisting they be treated exactly the same. That may work to an extent when you say “please don’t take one 4yo to soft play and not the other” but it doesn’t work with teenagers who have totally different personalities.

Allowing you to continue your relationship with your niece and nephew unhindered and get to know how step children naturally would have been a far wiser choice given you are clearly a kind and generous person.

FWIW my daughters Aunt and Granny refused similar from my ex when my girls were little. They still have a wonderful relationship with my girls. Neither my girls nor their Aunt and Granny have a relationship with my ex, and the stepchildren he was so demanding about are two divorces ago for him.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. They are not little kids.

As per, first post nails it. If you have their numbers, message them after speaking/getting permission from their mum as they now appear to live with her full time now.

I’d be saying that given your brother isn’t treating both sets of children equally, neither will you.

He’s living with two of the children every day, presumably doing things with them like watching television and eating dinner that he’s not doing with his own children. Given he’s choosing to prioritise the step kids over his own kids, you’ll be choosing to prioritise his kids over the step kids.

Honestly in the main I agree with this in principle but this is a situation where because the father is so shit more nuance is required.

No advice but just wanted to say, I’m happy for your niece and nephew that they have an aunt who sees them, their needs and cares for them as individuals x

tell him no - that he doesn’t get to dictate your relationship with you nephew and niece and then go via their mum or direct. He’s being an idiot. I understand the room sharing if a larger house isn’t possible but I’m not surprised the kids don’t like it and it was never going to work. They will feel like guests as the step kids are there full time. Your brother is going to lose touch with his kids.

You can treat them equally and not included them in everything. The two aren't mutually exclusive. If you are taking dn to a concert, great. Take your step niece to something else, just the two of you. Tell you db not to get his knickers in a twist. Say you will be fair but will sometimes want to do things separately ( but it will all come out in the wash).

There's nothing in the OP to even indicate the DSC want this level of inclusion.

So his step kids don't see their dad & he has taken on that role.

That's his decision.

He can't expect anyone else to fill in gaps imo.

Do his kids get invited on all family outings that he does?

If not, why not?

I'd arrange the concert through niece/her mum.

Also if necessary I'd give the same gifts for Christmas & leave extra with their mum.

Birthdays I'd just give N&N without brother knowing.

You must be so disgusted with him.

Having had a Step-Mum who shared your DBs attitude, I can tell you it caused a huge amount of upset and resentment when my family weren't permitted to do things with me without her kids tagging along.

One of the reasons I'm glad she's dead.

Sorry but that's bollox! If he wants you to treat them all equally he has just gone against his own rule because you only have to bring the 2 girls and not all 4 children.. Surely at their ages, they dont want to be hanging out with their teenage siblings / stepsiblings anyway and are only delighted with a day off away from them! He is completely unreasonable. As the first poster said, organise it with themselves and their mam from now on and let your brother know he's being unreasonable.