Treating my brother's stepchildren exactly like niece and nephew

[WatchingFlowersGrow]

My brother met his now wife 3 years ago. They moved in together after 6 months and married last month.

He has 2 children, my nephew and niece, from his previous marriage who are 16 and 14. He now also has a step son and step daughter who are 15 and 14 who don’t see their dad so live with their mum and my brother full time. My niece and nephew used to stay with their dad 3 nights a week but since his wife and kids moved in, they don’t see their dad as often and hardly ever stay over. His step children are very different to his children and they don’t really get on. My nephew was also expected to share a room with his step brother and my niece with his step sister which neither of them like doing.

Now that they’re married, my brother has said he expects us to treat all the children the same. When I asked what he meant by this he said that he wasn’t happy with us doing things with our niece and nephew and not including his step children. He also says that it’s obvious we spend more on our niece and nephew for birthdays and Xmas and that needs to be equal now.

I plan on taking my niece to a concert if we can get tickets and my brother says if I do that, I need to take his step daughter as well. I don’t want to and my niece doesn’t want her there either so has said she would rather not go. I also don’t think it’s right that we either have to spend more on my brothers step children or reduce the amount we spend on my niece and nephew at birthdays and Xmas.

We are kind to my brothers step children and we buy them gifts but obviously they’re not my niece and nephew and I don’t have the same relationship with them.

I’ve spoken to my niece and nephews mum and she says that they really value our relationship with us and are worried about things changing. They have told their mum that if their step siblings have to be included in things they do with us, then they would rather not do them.

My brothers step children are very different to my niece and nephew. They are very loud, misbehave at school and are in with a cool troublesome group at school. My nephew and niece are on the quieter side, do well at school and are very bookish so the total opposite really.

AIBU to tell my brother he can’t dictate my relationship with all of the children? How would you react?

Go through the mum ,your ex sil ,just arrange to do things with the children through her ,give the gifts or money for the children to her .
It sounds like the children have lost their bedrooms at their dads ,so hardly stay there now anyway

Unlike other posters, I don’t think your brother is being totally awful. How many women get hung out to dry on mumsnet if there’s even a whiff that they treat their bio kids more favourably than step kids with gifts and treats? I don’t think it’s a “new family” situation either because they’re not his new bio kids. 14/15 is old enough to understand in theory, but still pretty young in the grand scheme of things - I can understand why 14yo would be upset about not getting to do fun things their stepsister does, even if they totally understand why.

However your brother is being unreasonable trying to force the wider family to treat the children the same.

It sounds like you have maintained a good relationship with ex SIL so I would just organise everything through her, on her time as needed. That way step sister doesn’t even have to know what’s happened, or at least it can be much more abstract - what happened last weekend, as opposed to staying at home while your niece goes out with you. Hopefully that will help (or at least not hinder!) their relationship too.

When's he going to start treating them the same? Seems like he's favouring the step kids.

Go through their mum, you sound like a fab aunt!

Keep your relationship with your niece and nephew the same.
Contact them for outings and gifts through their mother. Visit them there.

Yes, treat all teenagers the same at your brother's place. For Christmas Dinner etc. treat them all the same. Don't make it obvious to your brother that you give extra attention and gifts to his kids.

It will be easier in five years when you will treat them all as individual adults... seeing some and not others at all.

Your brother is way out of line, the relationship your have with your niece and nephew is separate from him and his step children, he cannot dictate your relationship and i would tell to stop being such an idiot. You have been their aunt forever, why is he trying to force a further 2 teens onto you and his bio kids? Presumably the 2 step teens have their own extended family? Your niece and nephew will at some point if not already ignore your brother if it appears to them he his favouring his step kids, you will need to support your niece and nephew as they will need it. Good luck.

arrange things with their mum and bypass your brother.

At the ages of the children involved your brother is being completely unreasonable. It would be different for d they were are little but they are all teenagers.

keep your relationships strong with your niece and nephew whilst of course be ming kind to the step children.

Has your brothers wife given these same conditions to her family regarding her stepchildren then?

Poor niece and nephew. I don't think this is a nice set up for the step kids either btw but that's for their own parents and family to advocate for them. Brother and his new partner have been really selfish imo smushing a blended family together like this with such different kids and them suddenly having to share rooms with strangers as teens. 😔

I agree with others, send presents and arrange outings via mum. If you visit them at their dads just do something low key for those visits eg take them all some treats round when you pop in.

Personally Id be telling my brother this, but I'm rather blunt and this is a hill I'd die on in terms of upsetting a sibling as the kids are more important than his feelings imo.

Until he can realise that too just take him out of the loop in terms of presents and outings.

YOUR relationship with YOUR Dn snd Dn is not dependent on your DB

It would be different if the kids were young, but at 16 and 14 they are fast becoming young adults and can make their own decisions and manage their own relationships with family members.

You do not need to involve the SC at all. Carry on as you were and pay no attention to your DB …who will just be messenger boy for the new wife.

Anyone who moves four teen/tween children in together after six months of dating has such ridiculously poor judgement, all you can do is pity all four kids involved and ignore your brother’s nonsense.

I would nod along to your brother and continue exactly as you have. Maybe invite your nieces’ mother with your niece to the concert and if he finds out you can confirm it was an event with that side of the family - and organise everything through her.

At Christmas I would be mindful to buy them all similar gifts, but birthdays I would go all out for - and send to their mother’s home and treat them throughout the year in a way you want to. I would not be rearranging my whole life around my brother, but would remain kind and loving to the stepchildren - this is not their fault either.

Agree with everyone else - these children have been introduced to your family in their early/mid teens, not as infants so they are not ‘like his children’. He has not adopted them or worked with his own children to ensure they do not feel usurped, so as an extended family member you have no moral obligation to interact with them as though they are your kin. You cannot impose relationships or insist that an person who is unrelated is ‘accepted’ as family, and this includes the new wife. That level of familial engagement requires that trust ad regard are mutually earned. I would continue to send Xmas gifts etc to step kids, but engage with niece and nephew via their mum going forward.

(I am a step child btw, from the age of 3, also with an absent bio dad so only knew my step dad in that role, and from experience we KNOW when we are being tolerated out of duty rather than embraced by extended family for ourselves. Bro can want all he likes, but he will have to get over himself as it is not your responsibility to give any more than your kindness and civility towards his wife’s DC.)

Your neice and nephew are old enough for you to have a relationship directly and as others have said I’d make arrangements with their mother. Your brother has treated his own children appallingly and effectively pushed them out of his home to make room for his step children. You sound like a lovely person OP.

I wonder if it is his new DW that is putting pressure on him to get your family to spend money on her DC? Do her family spend equal amounts on her step kids?

Either way, the pair of them are shit parents for combining households and driving one set of DC away from their parent, and then trying to dictate how the wider family treat the kids as a whole.

Just put your DBro on an information diet and go through your niece/nephew and their mum directly.

16 and 14? And they hardly ever now stay with their dad? He’s a dick, there is no way he can fully blend families and that age, and he’s chosen his new wife and her children over his own. His stepchildren

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t get to dictate your relationship with your niblings. Go through their mother to arrange things and simply don’t ask his permission or even tell him until after. They deserve better.

Your niece and nephew are more or less at ages where relationships are maintained directly, they aren’t small children anymore. Your niece is an adult in 2 years. I get where your brother is coming from (at a very high level) but the kids are too old for him to control their relationships.

Is your DB/his new partner dictating the same in reverse? So are her family now required to include your niece/nephew in all their plans and being demanded to spend equally on them for Christmas/birthdays?

I think it’s important to respect the children’s wishes in this scenario. They’re not toddlers, they’re young adults who can articulate their needs. If they have expressed that they want space from their step siblings and the adults in their life ignore this request then this is going to lead to resentment. Ultimately it will damage their relationships with both their step siblings and the adults.

Perhaps it would be better to do some things with your DN and the new step children and then some things with just your DN? That way you can get to know them a bit more, allow them to build a stronger connection together on their own terms outside the immediate situation of the new family unit but also still allow your DN some crucial time and space from it all. I think it’s still important they have an adult family relationship that is stable and unchanged too and an aunt they are close to is ideal to provide this.

Agree with this. Access them via their mum instead. I had a similar situation with my BIL and I ended up giving my niece her presents at her mum’s house. It was much easier all round.

No he doesn’t get to dictate your relationship with your neice and nephew, it’s nice that you included them in things however not at the detriment of your relationship with them.

My step niece is sweeter and better behaved than my nephews. My nephews are all on board with their dad's long term partner and step sister. She is nine and seven years younger than them, and it was a very gradual thing moving in together and becoming blended, and nobody lost a bedroom. Also their step mum is lovely. It sounds like your brother is doing the right thing trying to treat them equally, but shouldn't have forced it.

Not for me. My relationship with my neices and newphes as they are teens would never change if their parents split.

I would be warm and kind to stepchildren but cant hope for same relationship unless it develops naturally over time.

I would be disappointed in my brother that he has not prioritised his children and my relationship with my neices and newphew via their mum would be my focus. If brother is annoyed then its a bonus.

I was that child. It’s really funny how the person moving in’s family doesn’t then treat the original child the same as is being expected from the father’s family.

The relationship never recovered.

Be kind to the step kids but carry on as you are. Your brother is selfish and nuts.

All the posters saying they "get where the dad is coming from" seem to be missing the fact that he moved in with a woman with kids after only six months and then forced his children to have a relationship with not only a new "mum" but her two children too.

And that he now spends way more of his time with his new step children than his own children so HE isn't treating the children equally at all - but expects everyone else to. What a bloody cheek!

A good father would have waited way longer to move in with a woman with kids and would have taken longer to ensure his kids were happy with the situation & comfortable with the other children & the new woman. Blending families is tricky and takes time & patience, not just blundering in and expecting everyone to be fine with it. He was presumably loved up with a new partner so for him it was a great decision - the children involved needed longer to get to the same place. If they ever do.

He has behaved selfishly in the extreme and now only wants his family to treat the step children the same as his own because it suits HIM, not for the sake of all of the children.
If it were my brother I would tell him exactly what I thought of the way he is destroying his relationship with his own children and would continue to love & support my niece & nephew as I had always had.
If it meant losing my relationship with my selfish brother then so be it.

It sounds like your niece & nephew need the love & stability you offer so keep providing it for them.

Good point

if the children were all young and little then I would treat them all the same however in this situation they are nearly adults and I would see that my my niece and nephew are getting treated differently by their own father so I would carry on as normal.

id make contact through their mum rather than their hopeless father.