To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I clicked remove poll twice! No idea why it is still there 😅

No she's 18 she's an adult if she wants to go on holiday she pays for herself.

No that’s insane. The offer is the holiday. It’s not transferable to cash! I stopped going on family holidays at about 16. If I’d asked for the cash instead my parents would have assumed I was joking.

That’s mental! She’s an adult! You offered her to come on the holiday, she declined. She doesn’t get money for it- that’s such a bizarre request

Nah, if she wants a holiday she can go with you, 18year olds don’t get holidays with their friends paid!

Yeah you’re not running a competition with a cash alternative. Very unreasonable to expect you to just give money because she’s turned down the holiday!

Good try, DSD’s mum!

When do you stop paying maintenance and can block her?

Ha ha hilarious

Other suggestion has been we book another holiday for all 5 of us but aimed at something she likes instead! I think she thinks we are loaded!

CMS will be stopping next month as she left college this year!!

I don't think it's unreasonable to pay for a holiday for all three children. I wouldn't like it being demanded though.

If you invited her out to dinner and she said no, would she expect you to send her £50? No!

The holiday was time with you, as a family. That’s what you were paying for. She doesn’t want to go so she doesn’t just get money. You’d be happy to spend the money on her coming on holiday for time as a family, it isn’t her money to spend elsewhere. I’d point that out.

Yanbu - did it really save that much anyway going from 5 to 4?

it would be nice to give her a little something she could use for a holiday but that’s not in anyway related to the fact she turned down a holiday

She was welcome to join us on our holiday?

Yes as we have booked one room instead of having to book 2 rooms for the 5th person and the flights alone were £450 return each

I wouldn't even give the mum's opinion a second thought or waste any more energy on it. She's either trying to get whatever she can for her daughter (probably without the daughter's knowledge) or she has an axe to grind with you or her ex and is just being a nuisance however she can. You've said no; if she's texting abuse, block her.

No. I’d offer to put her on the booking again & if she has a friend who wants to come, if they pay you’ll add them to (saves hotel room rate if not in a villa). But no you will not be giving her a cash equivalent, that’s mental.

No way would I take a friend. Too much responsibility in America!

It’s time to block her mum, now. No CMS to discuss, from here on in it’s the DD’s business.

He will need to help support her at Uni, I’d have thought. Contribute to her grant and so on.

I'd have laughed at the suggestion. She was offered the holiday and she turned it down. There is no cash alternative, she either comes or she doesn't.

Demanding an equivalent amount is unreasonable. I don’t think it unreasonable for parents to contribute to an 18 year olds first holiday with friends, especially first summer after leaving school if they aren’t working and aren’t going on a family holiday.

She was invited.
She said no.
End of discussion.

It depends really.
My 18 year old ds is currently awaiting A level results and I paid for him to go on a weekend away with his friends when they finished sixth form. If it had been a 'holiday' with friends rather than the weekend, I'd have paid for that too. The exact equivalent cost of Disney is probably unreasonable. But a parent paying or contributing towards a holiday for their 18 year old post sixth form/ college isn't that unusual I don't think.
Obviously the ex sending abuse isn't on. But I don't think the concept is 'mad' as such.
Obviously if dsds circumstances are different and she is working full time , she's in a position to pay for herself.

She works part time so has money to pay for her own holiday. She has already been away with her friends to Ibiza last month.

I’d meet in the middle. Just given my 18 year old £150 when she stayed behind on a post GCSE city break for DD2. It would have cost more to take her and she’s at college and desperately looking for a PT job so really appreciated the cash.