To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

My middle teen child has said she will forever come on every holiday I’ll pay for 😅 I threatened to buy a two berth caravan she said she would sleep in the awning 🤣

This. She was offered the opportunity to spend time with her family; she was not being offered a holiday of her choice.

She works 1 full day and 1 half day every week. Set contract.
DSD mum and my husband were never married.
She will be going to uni and living in a friends mothers house that she rents out for cheap. She will get max loans across the board as her mother is on a low income.

Haha I love this.

A couple of years ago mine said to me (I’m paraphrasing): ‘When me and GF start paying to go, you’ll still come and organise it all for us won’t you?’

Yes son, I will continue to have these trips, and you can come on all of them, bring an entire family, wife and kids, whatever…if I get to keep going to Disney with him even when he has a family of his own then I’ll be ecstatic. I don’t think he will ever stop travelling with us.

Her Dad still needs to contribute financially if she is at uni.

I know there's absolutely no chance my kids would ever turn down a fully paid holiday! they both love going away! In fact, I'm taking just the two of them away with me next month. Mother & Kids trip only.

Love it. Reminds of of the great late Joan Rivers: We are a family of 5, Brad, I, Alice, James and the little Mugumba'.

That is absolutely brilliant! ⭐️ Sounds like something my daughter could have done too.

My son has moved out and has started to go on holidays with his gf. The other day he told me (jokingly) that it is our fault that he has such high unrealistic expectations of holidays. He has now discovered the cost of everything and asked when we were going to DW next time. 😂

Can you imagine if this happened in other scenarios. 'Can I get you a drink?' 'No, I'll just have the fiver please!' Batshit

YANBU at all about the holiday. And on the flip of this, my daughter is in America for the summer doing Camp America. I have absolutely not factored her in for anything we have planned this summer and she's not being compensated for missing it either.

Uni though, even if she getting maximum loans she will still need some support from him.

I assume OPs DH will be giving his daughter money directly for uni, as opposed to via her mum

I think at 18 her dad could help her out with cost of a holiday. It’s harsh to give her nothing but it was also rude of her mum to ask that way so you’re all unreasonable

"The offer to come with us was declined. There is no cash alternative"

So is he washing his hands of paying anything for DSD going forward and expecting mum to finance her and house her until she leaves home @ZestLemon

I think they meant the mum, not the daughter. I hope.

Yes that’s a completely normal thing to happen when children get old enough and stop coming on the family holiday.

I not saying it’s universal, or that someone would be unreasonable to give their child the money instead. But you’re acting like no one would do that to their biological children, when I’d say that’s the norm.

He was helping her with the cost of a holiday, the holiday to disney!

Well there you go then!!

She will be moving out when she goes to Uni. Her mum wont be financing her home wise as I said the rent is cheap where she has a place. DSD will also be working part time as her job is at a large chain and they are willing to transfer her as shes a good little worker.

I took it as the mum!

I’m a bit shocked your dad isn’t giving her any financial support while she is at uni tbh

We probably would have offered something when we were going on the holiday next year but her mother has ruined it, by demanding it, we wont do it.
If we give in to her 'demands' she will think she won and just do it again.

My DSD tried this over a skiing holiday. DSS and my DS came but she didn’t fancy it. Wanted the cash instead. A swift ‘Nope’ from her dad was provided.

it’s not an either or situation!!

Surprised she said no they usually love a trip to USA and all the beauty stuff they can buy in target, food you can’t get here etc.
You are saving a £1000 for her tickets. Maybe dad could give her some spending money for her next holiday with friends.
I do invite and pay for my uni age daughter to come with us.

But isn’t that punishing his daughter for the mothers crime?