To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

YANBU about the holiday but I think you are very unreasonable to stop financial support when she’s going to uni.

When DSC went to uni we simply sent the funds that used to go to their mum to them to reduce their dependency on loans.

I would assume you’ll not be dropping the rope financially if/when your children access higher education?

Did you discuss the trip with her during the planning phase to see if there was any way to incorporate things she would enjoy and make it more appealing to her?

Because from her perspective, you are spending 2.5 thousand pounds on each of yourselves and your kids together on a holiday that clearly wasn't planned with her in mind, and you've got another trip planned with just your kids, which presumably wasn't on offer to her or did her dad offer her a similar dad and daughter trip?

And she's getting nothing. - I can see why that seems a bit unfair.

I'm a bit confused, though. Your step daughter is 18, so legally an adult - why do you still keep in touch with her? It's not like you have any business with her anymore now that the girl is 18.

@LejlaKapovic are you for real??

I wouldn’t be offering her the full amount her dad perhaps could be giving her something, I would be offering £500 perhaps

I think they meant DSDs mother.

Haha - I am a bit delirious - on nights I read it differently

The point of her coming on holiday was to time spend together, not for the DSD to have a holiday in and of itself.

Tell her mother to take her where she wants to go! Maybe if she manages to save money for her holiday with friends you'll give her a bit for spending money.

No we didn't. I didn't discuss it with my children either. I presented them with a holiday and they accepted and they are excited.

Discussions come when they pay for themselves.

Has your step daughter been on equivalent holidays with you / her dad?Or less expensive but obviously planned around her interests? If so it's fine.

If she's only been taken on rainy camping weekends and now she too old to want to come it's 3 weeks in Florida, she might well feel miffed.

Did you think she'd want to go when you decided on the destination, or did you have a fair idea she wouldn't?

"This offer is non transferable."

You were paying for the holiday as a group event, as Disney does packages. She can't trade it in for cash.

I think this is one of those parental differences. She was completely cheeky to ask, but some people would absolutely do this so I don’t think it’s a mad thought, my mum is huge on fairness and she always gave my brother and I the cash difference when we turned down holidays (even over 18), so maybe it seems normal to her so that’s why she’s asked.

Ignore or tell the dsd mum to naff off, that's not how holidays work.

I suspect that is, more or less, precisely what most people say to their children as they start growing out of family holidays - i.e. You're welcome to come with us, you're welcome to stay behind; but if those children then demand a payment equivalent to the cost of the holiday, the same parents will simply say "Nice try, dear" and laugh them out of it. If the kids choose to organise something different with their friends, parents might offer something towards the cost but there's absolutely no obligation to do so.

will you say the same to your own children at 18 - come with us or nothing? Get a job if you want a holiday?

That’s pretty normal isn’t it? Parents pay if 18yo comes on holiday, 18yo pays when going on holiday with friends. Like DSD is with Ibiza.

What does being a step child have to do with it?

Holidays are proper high quality shared time together as a family. You turn it down you lose. End of.

This reminds me, I moved out when I was almost 18 but my older brother was still living at home, I cringe my arse off when I remember I told my parents they should give me what they will save by me moving out to even that up! Of course they told me to get knotted - and that worked out very well for them because my brother didn't move out for another 15 years - they would have been paying me till I was mid 30s 😂

In my defence, I was 17, your SD's mother should know better, the chancer!

Flipping cheeky of the Mum. However, we did similar with DS1 and gave him a bit of money when he didn’t come away with us, but A) it wasn’t the equivalent of how much it would have cost for him to come with us and B) it did us a favour him being at home (dog/house sitting)

I agree with the above. Her father is not taking any financial responsibility for his daughter once she is at university? I think that’s very unfair of him.

This thread is interesting the amount of parents paying for their unemployed adult children to go on holidays with their mates might explain a little bit of why we have such a large unemployment rate in young adults. If someone was going to pay all my bills, give me spending money and pay for me to go on holiday with friends I wouldn't work either. I have a 16 and a 19 year old both work the 19 year old has her own house the 16 year old is saving up for driving lessons I couldn't imagine just giving them money if they want stuff they earn it thats how life works.

Based on OPs updates I would say as soon as the 18 year olds CMS stops her dad won’t be paying anything towards uni.

Why wouldn’t she say to her own kids that it’s the family holiday or nothing? Surely most 18 year olds save up and pay for their own holiday wth mates if they don’t fancy the family holiday?

It’s really cheeky to ask but I would definitely have given her something. I can see why an 18 year old does not want to go to Disney .
So it would be nice to give her maybe à thousand . She is only 18 - that’s very young .

Don’t give her a penny and shut the discussion down quickly without further engaging.

Mine are the same! They’re 29 and 26 🤣