To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

i guess that’s what happens when the loans etc are based on just the resident parent but it seems very tight of him not to contribute at all

Tell her mum your finances are nothing to do with her!

An 18 year old isn't going to enjoy going to Disney, I'm afraid. You have chosen that instead of a holiday all of you can go on.

Where does £20k com from? OP has been saving for this holiday and it costs £10k.

But it's her mother making the demands not the DSD, so why is she the one being punished?

What rubbish 18 year olds do enjoy Disney and Universal Studios too.

The cheekiest of requests. No way!

We stopped paying for holidays once they reached 18 and no we didn't give money when we took the under 18s away without the over 18s

Don’t be ridiculous. They are doing all the attractions including universal.

Our 26, 24, and 22 year olds definitely enjoyed it when we took them a couple of years ago. As they did mid/late teens.

yanbu OP. You offered a holiday, she declined.

Obviously parents have the final say but I definitely discuss holiday plans a bit with DD who is now 19, to see if there's anything in particular she'd like to do there, as she's part of the family!

Emphatically disagree. I'd argue we had a better time in Disney when ours were older teens (including an 18yr old) than when they were younger.

18 year olds can enjoy Disney! I went at 19 and have just returned from Orlando with my 19 and 20 year olds!

I would probably offer a couple of hundred towards a holiday for her given I saved so much in not taking her, but that's a personal thing, it should not be expected and has got bugger all to do with her mum.

Sorry but in our house, both kids over 18 but living at home/uni students, they are welcome to come on holiday with us and, for as long as they are not working, we will fund that in full. If they want to go away with friends, they save up for it - get a PT at uni, save the vast amounts of money they are gifted from family, or use their child trust fund money.

Once they work they will still be invited and heavily subsidised (ie if we are booking a villa, and when we do supermarket shops or go out for a meal) and they can even bring a GF/BF for free but the would need to start bringing spending money and pay for flights. We’d expect them to buy us a few rounds at the bars occasionally.

In this circumstance, DSD was invited and it would have been paid for had she joined them. She chose not to. And I am sure OP’s DH will sporadically gift his daughter money at Uni if she needs or if he wants to, just as we do [tho we have to pay for their accommodation as our DC do not get a full loan], OP’s DH just isn’t legally obligated to and setting a precedent gives the ex/mother ammunition.

Yes the student loan thing is a can of worms.
DSD will be able to borrow max and pay back more plus more interest.
When the 14 yr old goes in a few years they’ll be able to borrow about £20,000 less so less to repay and presumably you and dad will fund difference as required.
Definitely something to think about.
Lots of teens do enjoy Disney and Florida so it’s not that you’ve chosen a holiday unsuitable for her. Fair enough she doesn’t fancy it.

Absolutely not. She was invited to the family holiday and chose not to go. You haven't excluded her. If she wanted to go, you would have paid for her. Her mum is a CF making demands and hurling abuse. I wouldn't give her any money to holiday. However, I would put some money aside to send her while she's at uni.

How often does dsd call round to see her dad and siblings .
Talking about maintenance ending next month and how dd will get maximum loan, cheap accommodation at uni and will have a part time job makes it sounds like the plan is not to support her financially at uni.

My dd worked camp America last year, the British girls she worked with had never been to USA before and first place they wanted to go after camp was Disneyworld (6 of them went and had a blast all 18 and 19 yr old girls)

Whatever the plan is (or not) for university is between the father and his adult daughter, surely? Not sure why OP needs to answer questions about that.

YANBU. The offer was for her to join you on holiday. If she doesn’t want to that’s fine, but it’s up to her to save for any holiday she wants to go on with her friends.

Nope. There will be times in the future where she may ask dad for a little help, such as uni fees or whatever it is that life brings. She doesn't need holiday money. She either goes with you or nothing.

Have you done Disney with them before?

Nope. CF.

Your step-daughter's Mum is batshit crazy!! The offer on the table to your step-daughter is a trip to Disney in Florida. She declined the invitation - fair enough, that's her choice. There's no 'cash alternative' on offer, and neither should there be!

I suspect that this, is coming from your step-daughter's Mum, rather than your step-daughter. Your step-daughter may not be aware that her Mum has contacted you/her Dad.

It is relevant in the sense it contributes to a wider picture of how DSD is financially supported (or not) by her father.

I don’t think the holiday is an issue- pleanty of young adults still enjoy Disney so it wasn’t an unreasonable location designed to exclude her.

I do think the request from the mum is batshit crazy but I also think it’s unfair to cut financial support when DSD is education so perhaps this is influencing the mums position and she’s simply looking for a way to ensure her child’s father doesn’t just expect to walk away from all financial support as she is now 18 (though this way of going about it isn’t helpful).

She isn’t too old to go to Florida, she is being a baby about it. It is a holiday for all ages, not just kids.

Dsd was a nuclear level no show one year for holiday, really nasty about it too. It was all booked and paid for. Her mother orchestrated the whole thing, but dsd was really top drawer rude and critical, disgraceful really.

She never got asked again.