To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

Send her a LOL or 😂

Absolutely not.

She could have come and chose not to, she doesn’t get the cash value.

Nope the offer was do you want to come on holiday not holiday or cash.

Bet if you’d booked a £500 haven bronze caravan mum wouldn’t be saying dad should get her share for not going 🤣🤣 cheeky fucker.

I think the ask is cheeky - as a pp said it’s not a competition with a cash alternative! By the by, I would contribute to an 18 year old holiday - has she asked about this before the holiday discussion happened?

Absolutely insane. Block the mad mother.

Also @ZestLemon she is a clown for thinking that she wouldn’t enjoy Disney, it’s mega for all ages. My 18 year old would disown me if I went without him, and my 67 year old mother had been with us three years in a row (with a 4th booked).

You're not wrong.

I'm a bit confused, though. Your step daughter is 18, so legally an adult - why do you still keep in touch with her? It's not like you have any business with her anymore now that the girl is 18. Just block her number and let her send her abusive messages into the oblivion.

So DSD will be 19 next year and even less likely to want to holiday with you. Could you offer to go halves with her Mum for a holiday just for DSD next summer if she is planning to go with friends as a compromise? Or offer £200 towards it maybe ( i.e. half the air fare you have saved)?

If she has just finished college, what are her plans?
Is she moving out with a full time job? Or continuing to live with her mum? What about uni?

She may be 18, but so many new adults cannot afford to move out now, that their parent ends up continuing to house and help fund them. And in split families, it usually ends up being the mum because dad stops paying CMS and that’s that.

So… the mum seems to be totally batshit over this thing. But I’d just make sure that she isn’t being left with the full financial burden of trying to support an adult child in the current economy.

We had this with similar age DSD. Our other kids are younger. She never expected a cash alternative but when she did go on holiday with her friends we gave her some spending money. She has worked since she could. Is her mum paying half of this holiday she is expecting you to fund? I wouldn't entertain her mum any further though.

I thought I’d read some really awful, batshit things in this forum but this one… omg. Can’t believe what I’ve just read.

i could agree on this for a small amount, definitely not in the middle. Tickets alone for Disney are £550ish, Universal £400ish, that’s without flights £500-700, accommodation, food, etc.

Will your mum go on Tron? 😅

Yanbu. You asked her to come and she said no. That should be the end of it.

Haha she went on the first time, refused to go on ever since then 🤣.

I said to her about going in the static seat at the back where they usually put the very obese who won’t fit on the bikes, but she refused.

5 of us going in a couple of weeks (this is the 3rd one for her) so doesn’t matter if she doesn’t go on, but next year there are only 4 of us again so hoping she changes her mind.

Even though she won’t do TRON, she will do Rockin Rollercoaster even though it is upside down, but none of the other upside down ones are an option for her either.

I would probably have given her spending money maybe about 200 but it would feel awkward now her mum is demanding it.

Bonkers. It was an offer to join a holiday, not an Omaze win where you can choose the cash alternative.

Imagine if it was the norm to transfer a sum of cash to a non attendee of every party or meal, equivalent to what the host would’ve covered. No one would ever turn up!

Still brave to have done it once. I go on all rides except for Space Mountain, but I’d be happy to just do people watching too! °o°

YABU

will you say the same to your own children at 18 - come with us or nothing? Get a job if you want a holiday?
I probably wouldn’t have offered the exact equivalent amount (and yes, I would think you were loaded too if you spent £20k on a holiday) but I would certainly given the cost of the flights.
shes 18, not 28

So from now on every time you want to go away you have to pay sd? Nice try😂

?
What's so batshit about it? Why should OP keep in touch with her adult step daughter's mother?

DSD is 18, there really isn’t a need for you or your husband to have to communicate with her mum anymore. There’s absolutely no way in hell she should be given a lump sum of money because she didn’t want to come on the family holiday. Some 18 year olds would be invited but asked to pay for themselves!

if she’s still in full time education her father should be contributing to support her education/living costs. It’s good she has a part time job but how many shifts can she get? In most places availability of part-time work has fallen off a cliff in the last year or so.
If you’d say no, just remember that that should apply to your children as soon as they hit 18, she shouldn’t be disadvantaged because her father got divorced and had two more children. Maybe she was too shy to discuss it with her father which is sad. It’s good you offered but most late teens I know go away with friends, would be good to make a contribution wouldn’t it if she’s still studying or can’t get a full time job? But her mother shouldn’t be demanding if that’s really true and not just the way the messages were interpreted.

I totally agree. I just don’t get the outrage and the expensive holiday or nothing attitude.

No cash alternative! It was the holiday or nothing!