To not want to give my DSD the money we would have spent on her holiday

[ZestLemon]

We're a family of five: myself, my husband, our two children (12 & 14), and my stepdaughter, who is 18.

My stepdaughter lives with her mum full time and is very much in independent 'mode' now, so rather than following a set routine she comes over whenever she wants.

We're booked to go to Disney World in Florida next year with our two children doe 3 weeks, we are doing all the big attractions such as universal too. We invited my stepdaughter to come too, but she has said Disney isn't really her thing and she didn't think she'd enjoy it. Fine, not a problem!

However, her mum has now had the cheek texted saying that because my stepdaughter isn't coming, we should give DSD the equivalent amount of money that we would have spent on her so she can go on holiday with her friends instead.....

AIBU, or is she mad?!? We have said no but she is now texting all sorts of abuse.

The Disney trip is costing us over 10k and we are only doing a cheap trip this year to save for it.
Yes, we have spent less because she's chosen not to come, but that was entirely her decision.

I'm a little on the fence. Very cheeky of her mum to ask but I see the logic. It would be a nice thing to contribute and might support the relationship.

I think they were talking about the stepdaughter's mother, not the stepdaughter herself.

Honestly the audacity and entitlement of some people is just shocking! My dad paid for a holiday for us all once and I couldn’t go due to my cat being ill I wouldn’t have dreamt of turning round and asking for the money instead of all the days out and meals I missed out on and that my brother and his family got!

Would I have done this anyway? Yes. Would I do it because my ex instructed me to? No!

Well I'd give her something but if she's already just been on holiday you could wait until next year and then give her something towards her next trip. I have given my son money for flights when he's not come away with DH and me.

What is she doing next? If she's going to university then I don't think your partner's responsibilities end quite yet I'm afraid - and quite possibly not straight after university either, given how much youth unemployment there is - she's fortunate to have a part-time job. Unless she's got a well paid apprenticeship he (and her abusive-texting mother) need to continue to support her.

I get wound up with her though…

ride 1: ‘is this going to go upside boreded?’ - no mother
ride 2: ‘is this one an upside down ride boreded?’ - no, I know you won’t go on them mum
ride 3: ‘boreded, is this one going to go upside down’ - seriously mother, I know you don’t want to go on a rollercoaster that’s going to go upside down, I told you before the first trip that I would always tell you what it was before you got in the queue for it
rides x, y, & z: ‘boreded…’ - mum, Dame Judy is just going to teach you about papayrus! No, the little people just sing a nice song while you float by! And…yes, after looking at all of the vegetables, this boat is going to launch you into a barrel roll!’

Up to herdad.
Hecould say here s a holiday allowance ?

I don’t give my oldest equivalent money when he decides to not come on holiday.

I fill the fridge / freezer, make sure he has a travel ticket and leave emergency cash.

I don’t pay him £200 or whatever to not come away 😅

I see it a little differently.

At a similar age, our middle one didn't want to come on the family holiday.

We accepted that and offered him £300 towards a holiday of his choosing with his friends, because he's still part of our family and one of the perks is a holiday.

So while the stepdaughter's mum was a cheeky mare, I would have been happy to give a smaller amount to one of mine to allow them a holiday of their choice as well.

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to give her something towards her trip. You are saving a fortune by her not joining you. If finances allowed I would offer around £500 I guess. Would also make it clear that this is not going to happen every year.

Yanbu . Her mum is a cf.

We don't normally have much contact, she messaged out of the blue, the holiday has been booked for 2 months already.

Err, no. She was invited on holiday and declined, her choice. There’s no cash compensation.

I wonder how many times the num has given her dd money in lieu of a holiday or day out.

I’m guessing zero.

The mum is seeing the CMS end and not happy with it.

I disagree. What incentive then for DSD to join the family in future if she thinks she’ll get cash for not joining?

Nope. CF

She’s obviously feeling a bit miffed that her money from your husband is about to dry up and is having one last pop.

Its 10k, not 20k.

At 18 yes, they are welcome to come or not come. I already know that both my children will be holidaying with us for as long as we are paying so I am not to worried about that

😂 omg, that is quite sweet though.

Yes, after the vegetables and just about when you see the fish tanks you will just drop down and there will be an upside down ride under the water! 😂

My dd actually once nailed a history test at school when she was little because she knew Judy’s every single word by heart.

No this is just bowing down and giving in to obscenity. She should be grateful as an adult with a job that’s she’s still being invited for free on a holiday. You don’t get to say no I don’t want to take you up on that generous offer but I’ll take some cash.

You come on you don’t.

Whatever next, DSD is invited to a meal out. Thanks but no thanks I’ll take the cash?

Yeah mine is like this, I suspect I’ll be stuck with him (paying or otherwise) until my dying breath. No chance he turns down a trip

She's 18, about to leave college, working part time, just been to Ibiza with her mates.

You invited her, she declined. Done.

No way she should demand a holiday for herself for the same cost as the one she was invited to come on with you all. It's nice you invited her, it's not a cheap trip!

I'm guessing she had holidays as a child with her mum and/or dad over the years too.

She is now an adult. She pays for her own chosen holidays. 🤦

Absolutely this!

Just ignore or block mother. If DSD texts tell her politely that the offer was for her to join you on holiday if she would like.

There wasn't an alternative choice.

No, you did the right thing if you invited her

Just because she didn't want to come, doesn't mean you give her the equivalent money

I love that.

Mine won a competition where they all had to do a ‘project’ on a topic of their choice. His was on WDW and 3 times the size of everyone else’s, with maps and voice recordings and all sorts 🤣

Funny when they love something that they manage to actually take it all on board.