AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

Your Mum needs your support more than ever now. Please don't abandon her, that's cruel.

I wasn’t going to abandon her as such but I feel hurt by it too as she could have ended it years ago.

I'm not surprised your mum sounds short and angry, what a depressing way to live. Don't stop talking to her, your father is unlikely to live much longer and she might be very different at that point.

It sounds harsh but feels like he’ll live forever. Sod’s Law I guess.

I voted YANBU mainly because of the history. But try other solutions first (like boundaries) or acceptance, before going to the extreme solution. Your mum has a lot on her plate.

That's so easy to say when it's someone else's life you're talking about. There are so many people in unhappy relationships of all ages so it clearly isn't that simple

Sorry quoted my own post🤦‍♀️duh

I actually very much doubt your DM will miraculously change when she is widowed. She is who she is and as she enters proper old age herself ( variable age but often 80s if health is generally good) she will likely get more difficult.

I would try and accept they aren’t the parents you would have chosen for yourself and stop hoping for that. Decide for yourself what you are willing and able to give of yourself and stick to that.

It’s hard.

It would be cruel to abandon your mum. She was an inexperienced young woman whose parents died just as she was launching herself - and she chose the security of marrying a father figure (or maybe he chose her because she was vulnerable). It would have been extremely difficult for her to extricate herself from his control, both practically and emotionally.

Your father, at 95, won’t live forever. Your mother needs you now and she’ll need you even more when he is gone - because the adjustment will be difficult for her. By all means ‘manage’ your interactions with her - just do the best you can. You might end up regretting it if you don’t.

But do seek counselling for yourself, because you have a lot to process.

YANBU.
You need to look after yourself and your wellbeing (and that includes mental health) first.
Only offer as much help and contact that you are comfortable with.
You do not owe your parents anything. They are adults that will have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

Yes I understand what you’re saying. They’ve said and have constantly hinted that when he dies I should live with my mum and take her on, look after her etc

I would decrease any support to your dad, and add it on to support for your mum. Women were absolutely trapped in her generation.

Your poor mum. He's 25 years older, how old was she when they met? Sounds like she's been a victim of DA all her married life, and if she was young when they met, grooming, because that's a BIG age gap.

Is there any way you can help your mum to get help to look after your dad, to take the strain off her?

Try and forgive your mum, for your own peace of mind of nothing else.

Your mum is probably angry because being a carer is one of the hardest things to do - and it doesn't even sound like she likes her husband much so it is even harder.

I'd stick around and help your mum. Think of it as helping your mum, not your dad. Even if it's doing a bit of shopping for her, or trying to arrange some home help from the council or something that's not so emotionally invested for you. It's ok to have boundaries. I am also a person who grew up wishing my mum would leave my dad because he was an unpleasant person but mum too was trapped. She used to tell me on our walks together with the dog how she wanted to leave him.

However, if this is hurting you badly and affecting your mental health, it's ok to put yourself first and take a back step. You do need to look after you, esp if you have your own family to be there for.

What a miserable life your mum has had and is still having. At 70 she's still relatively young too. Be kind and give her a break every now and then.

Don't do it! They can hint all they like.

I agree.

I would never judge you.

Your mum could have done many things differently when she was younger to make both her and your life easier and she chose not to.

My parents assumed I would live with either/both of them and care for them when they became infirm.

I didn't.

I don't regret my decision to have a life for myself and nor should you.

💐

Did your mum do her best to protect you from your dad's abusive behaviour when you were a child? If she didn't, I wouldn't feel guilty about stepping back from your relationship with both your parents.

Your mum had choices and she chose to stay with your dad. You didn't have any choices when you were younger but you do now.

You can still see your mum away from your dad.

You know that you don't have to do that, dont you? Your parents ruined your childhood. Don't let them ruin your adulthood as well. Your mum is only 70 so there is no reason why she can't live on her own. Surely her life will be a lot easier once your dad has died. She will have some freedom to do what she wants.

Your mother had choices and isn't owed your support. If you can offer anything to her then do but don't let yourself be dragged into anything because you feel they are entitled to it. You have a right to live your own life, just as they both had theirs. Protect yourself first.

My goodnesss there are some cold hearted selfish people on here trying to give you permission to be like them. Astonishing.

It really does depend on your own individual circumstances.

Not everyone had the same idyllic childhood.

Some of us weren't born in an Enid Blyton book.

She’s bitter because she realises she wasted her life on a tosser 25 years older than her and she’s taking that frustration out on you.

Every time she’s rude to you, get up and leave or end the phone conversation. It’s the only way she’ll realise she can’t continue the cycle with you.

And no, I don’t agree with the people upthread who seem to think you should continue to be your mum’s emotional punching bag. She either learns to be polite or she sees less of you.

It’s really easy to be generous with other people’s emotional effort.

If you’re so warm hearted, why don’t you ask OP for her mum’s number and connect with her?