AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

No. There are several sides to this, there are multiple people involved. I'm suggesting OP, and many other posters on this thread should step back and think from different perspectives before making decisions and comments when the outcome is so significant.

Of course you don't owe your parents. If your parents are kind and loving and did their very best to give you a good childhood, most adult children will be happy to help their parents in their old age. They don't need to provide hands-on care if they don't want to (which many people don't), but they can visit regularly and help with the practicalities of employing carers if required.

However, if their parents have been abusive or enabled the abuse as in OP's mum's case, OP has absolutely no obligation to provide hands-on care or support for her mum, let alone her dad. She already does visit her mum, despite the presence of her abusive dad. She is already doing a lot more than I would do.

It sounds as though OP's mum always put OP's dad first and OP doesn't feel that she was loved and cared for at all. The fact that OP's mum wasn't as bad as her dad isn't a particularly glowing testimonial on her mum's parenting skills.

As usual some comments are suggesting 'martyrdom' when it comes to elderly care and ignoring a woman's feelings and needs.

OP, both your parents sound awful and let you down as a child. Your father was abusive and your mother failed to protect you from him. You owe them nothing.

My parents were similar to yours: my mother witnessed my father assaulting me physically, constantly bullying me and even making inappropriate sexual comments. She did nothing and made it clear to me this was just something I had to put up with so she could maintain her nice middle class lifestyle. She was never the target of my father's anger and mistreatment, this was reserved for me because I could not fight back.

As an adult I distanced myself from them both and I refuse to have anything to do with my mother now that she is elderly.

Parents who let their children down can't expect anything from them as they age.

So OP make it clear you will not get involved in any of the care of either your father or mother, that you will not accept being mistreated verbally or physically and get on with your own life.

OP, stop with the daily calls.
Once a week.
You 100% do not owe your mother a home when he dies.

It sounds like you have been drained and used by them both your whole life.

You do not owe them your future.

You deserve some peace from them.
Start now.

So you don't provide any care, you just speak to your mom on the phone and visit her occasionally - but this feels like too much so you want to withdraw it? To punish your mother for having had an abusive partner.

Obviously, you can. You can do anything you like.

You don't love your mom? Do you have any feelings towards her other than resentment?

I find this thread extraordinary.

Your experience is totally different to OP's (and I am so sorry this happened to you). OP's father did not physically and sexually assault her. Or if he did, she has not mentioned it.

My Nan was born in 1944 and left her abusive husband with 3 young children (including my Mum) in the 70s, I’m certain it was incredibly difficult for her but she got through it and enjoyed a wonderful life.
Your Mum had options. She chose to stay.
Every action has a consequence, you don’t need to pay the consequences of her decisions made decades ago.

If you still want a relationship with your Mum, have one, in whatever capacity you can handle.
I have found it’s usually people with wonderful parents that find it abhorrent that you could cut contact with an abusive parent, they do not understand.
The amount of times I’ve heard “but you only have one Mum/one Dad…” yes but did your lovely Mum/Dad force feed you until you were sick and then make you eat your own sick? No they fucking didn’t.

I don’t think I made clear how able he is so apologies. He can dress and wash himself, walk to a local shop albeit slowly. He does however just sit all day, eat and watch tv while my mum cooks and cleans and is basically stuck with him like that (in her eyes).

Yes I do feel resentment towards her. Lots in fact. For staying with him and as a result becoming this angry and unhappy person herself.

why do you find this so extraordinary?

Has he done things you haven't shared on the thread? Evil is a very extreme term - none of the behaviours your described from him were particularly unusual, or made him sound remotely evil.

I am sorry if he has done things that are truly evil. If so, obviously you should avoid him, and potentially consider reporting him for his actions?.

Daily phone calls is a lot. You aren't obliged to do that. I call my difficult father every 2-3 weeks and text in between. I see him 4/5 times a year. Some people would consider that low contact but it's what I can do. You are allowed to reduce your input in their lives.

Why do you need chapter and verse to believe OP that he was controlling and abusive? That's very strange. I think we should take her word for it, don't you?

Evil in the sense that he bullied me, was verbally abusive, always felt I would fail, would constantly put me down. To name but a few.

Evil in the sense that he bullied me, was verbally abusive, always felt I would fail, would constantly put me down. To name but a few.

yup thats terrible. Shocking that anyone would think you tolerating abuse would be a sign of goodness? Yeah guess who benefits from this philosophy. Not you.

Ach he's just an evil man.

It seemed like anything I liked he always hated and would put down!

@Wandawandswanda everything @Lisheenss said.

Who’s making the phone calls? If it’s you stop ringing her every day,if it’s your mother then don’t answer every day.

You don’t have to pay them social visits on their demand.

If they get nasty when you’re there just leave but say so “I see you’re not at your best today,will leave you to it”

Phone call nastiness gets treated the same.

Your mother can still leave your father instead of taking HER resentment of HER life choices on you. She can go out without spending her whole life revolving around cantankerous man.

OP, you don’t have to accept/tolerate this treatment. You have a choice as well. Do it for you and for your DD so she doesn’t accept it from anybody in her life.

@Wandawandswanda

Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

1. Therapy. You need to unpack your feelings about your parents, and your mum especially, in a neutral setting. You are understandably full of resentment towards your mum, and dislike of your dad. What you are talking about in your OP is how you feel about the obligations, guilt, etc that you feel about your situation. This is exactly what you need to resolve in your mind so that you can establish …
2. Strong boundaries. Ultimately you get to decide what you do. Don’t want daily phone calls? Fine, only call / answer that phone every second day. Don’t want to move in with your mum? Fine, don’t.
3. Pop along to the Elderly Parents noses on here: you will find a lot of us dealing with ageing parents and the difficult emotional situations that it throws up.

Have you got any siblings? What’s their take on this?

Yes one sibling who they favoured and helped out more (financially). I guess he’s in a tricky situation as he feels indebted to them and was treated better so it’s hard for him to sympathise. Oddly seems to put my dad on a pedestal and has regular contact with him.

The mum in this has made her choice.

Op will have been damaged enough in this situation and her own mental and physical health must take priority.

Ironic and so terribly sad that few will support a woman in this situation when she tries to protect herself by cutting contact.

Does OP have to be caught up in this cycle forever?

The mother chose an abusive man over her daughter and like many other women she could have left.

OP get out now. Do not donate your own health and peace of mind to this and don’t allow anyone to try and guilt you.

Be kind to yourself and actively seek out people will support you and ignore the others or tell them to step in and help or stop judging.

It seemed like anything I liked he always hated and would put down!

cos he did. Because it reminded him of the fact that he was unable to feel like that about anything. I’m so sorry your father is cruel. If your father had 5 minutes of clarity and empathy he would want you to stay away from him. I know I would as a parent. If I knew I couldn’t be kind and only be mean I would want them to tolerate that. (Dementia aside obviously, but assuming dad hasnt had dementia since 40 years ago although Ive seen plenty of people excuse such behaviour in equally implausible ways)

It’s never that simple. She had no support, family or financial support. It was 55 years ago when a 20 year old started dating a 45 year old. I think your DM needs to be pitied, many women around her age had a very hard life.
I would stick with her. i understand that it is difficult. I hope they have carers calling.
I am sorry your Dad was such a prick.

Ah a Goldenballs in the mix makes it more complicated. Your parents favoured him because he was a boy?

Is he expected to have your mum move in with him, or take on a more active caring role in the future? At least if you do walk away, they have him to fall back on. But there are consequences to that also.

It’s difficult when two siblings experience the same parents in completely different ways. Are you and he able to talk about this? Does he acknowledge that you were (and are) treated differently?

We owe our parents nothing. OPs parents failed to foster a healthy relationship and as a result OP feels she can't do it anymore. Adult children that had loving parents will probably gladly look after them in some way. So instead of guilt tripping your children, how about you make sure you treat them well so you have that bond that does not require shaming or guilt tripping. It is possible you know.

Since he’s that independent still I would suggest a day out with you for your mother and plan a holiday / if she feels she can’t leave him alone then you explore from there. Is it because she is unsafe or because he won’t manage … they have different responses