AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

No it is not different at all. In fact, many therapists agree that emotional abuse is harder to recover from than physical abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse. You obviously have no idea about how dysfunctional family systems work and how damaging they are to children.

He has alluded to it before but not openly admitted that that was always the case. He generically thinks “parents fuck you up”. Hope that makes sense somehow.

OP's father did not physically and sexually assault her.

is this your definition of a good relationship, one that isn’t physically or sexually abusive? If your daughter said her husband was always verbally abusive you’d expect her to be okay because it’s not physical. And plot twist, emotional pain is physical pain because we feel it in our body. All abuse harms body and mind. The two are inseparable.

It’s weird but I actually think I don’t really care about either of them, I used to care about my mum a lot but not anymore. The more time passes the more indifferent I am,

I feel as though they made me into a bad person myself and made me struggle in life with self doubt and low confidence. My brother would say I should be able to change that and stop being like a victim but I don’t know how and don’t know what to believe and who is right or not.

It is not weird at all. Bravo for recognising it. I feel the same about mine once I saw through all the dysfunction and couldn't do it anymore. Life is infinitely better without them in it.

You believe yourself. You start believing yourself more and more one second at a time. Are you able to see a therapist?

Your male sibling obviously had a very different childhood than you did. Your father showed you no affection and mocked and belittled you throughout your childhood. Your brother was loved and supported financially and in other ways so let him be the one to support and care for your parents now.

You can either cut both your parennts off entirely or cut your dad off but continue to speak to your mum. Daily phone calls aren't necessary. A weekly phone call to your mum would be reasonable.

Do what makes you feel comfortable. You owe your father absolutely nothing. You will probably want to maintain an arms-length relationship with your mum. If you want to meet up with her, can you do this outside of the house so you don't need to have any contact with your dad?

This is exactly the reason why you need to work with a therapist. They do fuck you up, your mum and dad. You need to unravel it, talk it out, find the tools to help you learn to think differently about yourself.

Im like your brother - fairly robust emotionally, good self esteem. My sister - same parents - has spent a lot of time unravelling her relationship with them, and trying to overcome the hang ups she has.

It’s not for them OP, it’s for you. To live a more contented, confident life - and to model that for your daughter. Do you have partner? What’s the take on it?

Honestly @Wandawandswanda I think this is very good advice. Estrangement is so very hard and there are many many middle grounds that allow you to have the relationship possible not what you “should” have with parents. They were responsible for developing that relationship and they did not. Emotional abuse is abuse and you are entitled to limit access to people who have abused you.

How do you define ‘raised’? Because there is more to raising children than feeding and sheltering them.

I also felt jealous a lot growing up. Jealous of other families.

I have no doubt that your father’s moods impacted both of you. Even the golden child in this set up doesn’t better as they’re used as an emotional crutch, usually by their mother.
I don’t think anyone comes out unharmed. My Father was not as mean and cruel as your father but he was cranky and dominant to DM. I adored my DM was her protection against verbal harassment. Now they’ve both died (young) before 70, I actively avoid thinking about my Dad, terrible to say but I don’t miss him, not like I miss my mam.
Take care of yourself, tell them you are off limits for sometime to consider the situation as your life is disappearing too. Take time to breathe and decompress, if that time rolls on, let it.
I definitely wasn’t the golden child. My Dbro was, but as above DM leaned on him a lot for emotional support.

Yes I’m not sure they leaned on him that much as he only really keeps close contact with my dad, and as hoc with mum.

Was there, back in those days?

I am talking about the mum - life isnt perfect and parents arent 'emotionally present' like they are today but she stayed and the op got raised

Yes I got raised but at what cost!?

I am estranged from my family. They actively did not want me or like me.

Far be it for me to tell someone how to feel, but unless your situation with your mum contains a cruel nasty element, yabvu to abandon her

Your dad will die - fingers crossed its soon

I had to really distance myself from my mother for my own mental health.
Yes it’s selfish.
And sometimes we have to be selfish to care for ourselves. Aren’t we always told how important it is to Love ourselves? And part of loving ourselves is taking care of ourself and that can mean hard choices.
I visited her once a month for a short visit.
she was 95. She had carers going in and if she needed a hospital visit I’d take her. But other than that I was distant.
So much horrible judgement on here from people that have NO idea what it’s like to have abusive, controlling, narcissistic parents and a painful childhood.
Ignore people trying to make you feel guilty.
Look after yourself.

OP's dad actively didn't want her or like her. Her male sibling was treated very differently and her mum did nothing to make the situation fairer.

You say 'far be it for me to tell someone how to feel' but you then go on to tell OP that she would be very unreasonable to abandon her mum, which is basically telling OP that her feelings about both her parents are invalid and that you had it much worse so you can abandon your parents but OP can't. That seems very hypocritcal to me.

No it isnt

Its answering the question is she unreasonable to abandon her mum?

Which i have answered. Her dad, I have repeatedly said, will die soon

As OP's dad is 95 he might die soon. He also might not. You have no idea about his health. He may be one of those people who live to be 100.

It is crystal clear from OP's posts that her mum wasn't a particularly kind and caring mother. She didn't protect OP from her father's abusive behaviour and she was fine with him massively favouring OP's brother.

OP may decide to keep seeing her mum out of a sense of duty. She may also decide to limit the amount of time she spends with her mum. She is perfectly reasonable if she does this. She doesn't owe her mum anything. Her mum was a pretty shitty parent and only because OP's dad was actively abusive does her mum look like a better parent in comparison to him.

You guilt tripping OP is distasteful, particularly as you no longer have a relationship with your parents. I wouldn't say that you were unreasonable to do that as you have said that they were awful parents and you know your parents and I don't. I have no idea why you won't do OP the same courtesy of believing her when she has said that that both her parents gave her a dreadful childhood. The fact that her dad was worse doesn't excuse her mum from her failure to protect OP from her dad's abusive behaviour.

This is not wisdom.

Applying universal statements to different types of family whether they apply or not is just not nuanced or thoughtful.

Every situation needs to be judged on its own merits.

Abusive parents do not need to be given the same level of access as thoughtful considerate parents. While emotional availability was not a thing back in the day being a shitty parent was certainly not remotely universal. There were still awful parents then as there are in every generation.

Well tbf I based my comments on the OP

But having gone through the later replies, no i stand by what i have said. Her mum isnt actively bullying her now. Shes stayed with a shite man, and the situation isnt positive, but the mum is also struggling

The dad will die at some point. I dont think id cut off my mum, in this scenario, for the choices shes made. She doesnt sound like she is actively cruel to the op

Also, it seems that the contact is over the phone

I advocate for people living the lives they want. I didnt become estranged because my mum was mentally ill growing up and stayed with a man who hated me. But because she herself didnt want me and was cruel

Just my opinion on aibu - i dont think i'm forcing the op to do anything

I dont think its a universal statement

And I dunno whether, from the op's responses, I would say the mum was abusive. Shite and not strong, yes

But if, at 70, she was facing being alone, with a dead husband she has cared for, I dont think that ,in this scenario, that cutting her off is reasonable

Still, op, do what you wish, I only offered an opinion 🤷‍♀️