AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

You just keep saying that over and again completely ignoring the OPs experience and just reiterating your own point of view.

Honestly there doesn’t seem to be an openness or room for discussion.

The OP clearly explained that she feels she experienced emotional abuse in her childhood and yet you are showing no ability to empathise or engage on any level because clearly it contradicts your belief on what constitutes abuse.

- life isnt perfect and parents arent 'emotionally present' like they are today

op could see that there were kind parents and families around her at the time her family wasn’t. Do you think that the op has genuinely never considered that fact that ‘life isn’t perfect’. Do you have any idea how arrogant and poorly thought out that sounds?

- life isnt perfect and parents arent 'emotionally present' like they are today

Yeah cos we all know Social Services aren’t a thing anymore nowadays…

You sound like someone who went estranged but didn't do the work.

No i am not

You are doing too much tbh - she asked for opinions, I shared mine

Its you who has an issue with my responses. If you dont like them, offer your own and move on

If she wants to she can cut off her mum - but i'm not gonna 'omg you do you' the op, i think that she is unreasonable here

This is her mum, not a stranger. And tbh, the support is over the phone, as far as I can tell

They’ve said and have constantly hinted that when he dies I should live with my mum and take her on, look after her etc

I'd definitely be shutting that down - and being VERY clear about it - right now

On the rest though, "help" can be given a lot of ways without it having to involve contact with your DF. For example you could offer to find mum a cleaner/gardener/whatever to take some of the load, give her carer support links and so on ... in other words not turning your back on her, but not being the one to provide everything either

She'll very likely refuse them all, but that too would be her choice and at least you'd have tried

I dunno, either you want to help the op, or you want to pile on to me for offering a dissenting opinion

Life not being fair isnt me patronising anyone - its a statement.

Why? My Mum's excuse for not leaving a cold, unemotional, controlling, sexist, racist, philanderer was that she had nowhere to go. The truth was she had no backbone, and my brother and I had a horrible childhood behind closed doors.
She could have left far more easily than today. She'd have been given a 3 bed council house within days or weeks and benefits would have covered expenses. I'm 62 and can't forgive either of them.

Is is not just me though is it? a number of posters are picking up on your complete lack of empathy towards the OPs specific situation and your lack of self awareness around how hypocritical you come across.

Its called a good old fashioned pile on

I dont lack empathy towards the op, but i have offered Frank advice, and have fingers crossed for their freedom from their father

It’s tough and you do feel obliged to still be involved as a duty.

I agree with this.

I completely understand that the OP's mother would have found it very difficult to leave. It still doesn't mean that the OP is now responsible for the consequences of that. In fact her mother can still make some choices about being a carer right now.

OP I would be very clear that your mother's plans should not include living with you. Even if your father lives another 5 years she will still be a relatively young woman.

You don't OWE your parents care whether they were loving and wonderful or a bit crappy. Usually kids choose to care for eldery relatives due to the love and concern they feel for them.Sometimes they choose to care for them out of guilt. It's bloody hard either way. Don't drown all your happiness out of guilt. You don't need to have a 70 year old woman come and live with you when her husband dies. It would be nice of you to check in on her and spend time with her but even that isn't mandatory. All those folks guilting you here don't have their elderly parent living in the spare room! Many people live nowhere near their elderly parents so care and provide company intermittently and from afar.

Oh come on! We are talking about a woman who married in 1976 - not 1936!

My mother born in 1931 was engaged at 19, married at 21 (had to use ration coupons for the dress and reception) - but in 1976 (aged 45) she was at college (free then) getting a professional qualification.

Parenting then wasnt what it is now

Didnt they still have smacking in schools?!

Not in my schools.

We had coloured television as well you know. Drove cars. Went to night clubs. Earned more than our boyfriends. Worked at our finals and got a degree. Gps prescribed the pill to us.

Bohemian rhapsody came out in 1975. Our music 1976

QUEEN
ABBA
ELTON JOHN
ROD STEWART
BLACK SABBATH
BEE GEES
PUNK MUSIC

I dunno why youre listing this stuff to me. I am not saying that the ops mother was born in the 30s 🙄

Smacking in schools went on in the late 80s

Point being, parenting was different, even decades ago, compared to now

From the evidence provided, it seems to me the op's mother wasnt strong enough to leave her awful husband (like a lot of women on mn today might i add). I dont think she deserves to be deserted by her daughter who has seemingly had the benefit of modern therapy

I dont get the pile on tbh, but it is what it is.

you can’t abandon a functioning adult. Unless you’d call a divorce an abandonment??

And 99% of the time these parents who were crap then ARE STILL SUPER CRAP IN 2026.

Yes there is always that sense of obligation towards family. It is human nature to feel obligation to family and it is only people who have extremely low empathy who don’t feel that and you clearly are not that and that is also why I caution against full estrangement unless as a last resort for yourself because it has a very heavy price for you.

It does not stop these feelings and it can create more bad feelings than necessary with no where for them to go.

If you can start to put a bit more emotional distance in with them, just be more practical in your focus and dealings with them, it can make things easier. Basically reminding yourself that you are not responsible for them.

I mentioned at the start we had very difficult family, my FIL was incredibly abusive towards MIL and he was also deeply controlling. MIL refused to leave until eventually the police and social services were involved in more or less kidnapping her out of her home to live with an adult child as she was incredibly vulnerable at that stage but it never changed her relationship with FIL which was chaotic right until the end.

DH had to do what he could in terms of caring for her but equally care for his own well being in the situation, because the situation was a complete head melt and MIL would have taken her children down with her, she was at a stage in life where her own needs were all she had the capacity for.

There was tonnes of external pressure due to her extreme vulnerability (illness) and tonnes of guilt which never let up until his mother died but he refused to let that influence how he was handling the situation. That is my advice for you too. Don’t go in there with the expectations from functioning families go in there with the reality of your family and take care of yourself too because no one else will.

I cannot stand when people try to manipulate and shame and blame and criticise people who are caught in these situations from the outside because I saw first hand the sheer amount of emotional strength DH and us his family needed to deal with situations like yours @Wandawandswanda you deserve better than this and I truly hope for the best outcome for you.

Try rewording that statement slightly, it helps you take ownership of the choice that you are making here.

´it’s tough and I do feel obliged to still be involved as a duty ‘

Not everyone feels the way you do. So that feeling of obligation is not universal - which means you don’t have to just accept it as your lot.

one of the key things DH has worked on in therapy has been to stop using ‘you’ where it should be ‘I’. It pushes him to take responsibility for his part in what happens in his life.

It's always daughters
Of course it is, women (generally speaking) are easier to dominate and subordinate than men are. Generally speaking men will push back harder, and (since they are bigger and stronger) if push comes to shove they have a greater ability to physically overpower someone. A man is more likely to assault someone and has a greater ability to cause physical harm.
Women are viewed as subordinates and therefore more suited to doing menial tasks such as providing care and doing domestic work.

She deserves nothing. That's the whole point. If her daughter wants to care for her, she can. But if she doesn't, too bad. She made her bed and she must now lie on it.

OP, you were the clear victim of bullying and abuse growing.

Your mother emotionally abused you by leaning on you and confiding her misery in you.

I know it well.
I understand that at this point you have no wish to be around either of them.

Leave them both to golden balls.
I did.
When they passed I felt nothing but pure relief.

Read up on FOG, fear obligation and guilt.
This is their legacy.

They have done you enormous damage but you can and will heal if you take space from them.

It is possible to find peace for you and your daughter.