AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

selfish is not protecting your own child from abuse. Being a people pleaser isn't the badge of pride you think it is. Some people need permission to accept that they aren't responsible for other peoples fuck ups and they have a right to their own happiness

Have you got children , op?

set boundaries, go low or no contact. Don’t feel bad for abandoning your mum when she has effectively abandoned you when you were growing up by not standing up for you or prioritising you when you were a child.
it’s called natural consequences, we teach them to young children, we probably should teach them to older people as well.

I would decide how much time you want/can give to her each week. Then assign that (in your head) to a couple of different tasks.

Maybe assign a time in the week when you sit down and call your mum. Know that this will happen on a Wednesday night, or Sunday morning - or what ever works for you, and after 20 / 30 / 40 mins you finish the call and move on, and know that's it until the next call.

If you have another hour or 2, maybe offer to take her shopping once a week, or manage an online order for her, or to look after some other aspect of her life. But keep it to a time that suits you, and to a level you have time for and that you won't begrudge.

And then the rest of the time, get on with your own life.

That way you can support her, without being completely sucked in.

Realistically, your Dad may not have long. Your mum may well have a new lease of life after his passing*, or she may not. You won't know how it will impact her until the time happens. Then decide long term how you want to support her.

(* my Great Aunt had a fabulous time after her obnoxious husband died. Sounds awful, but she was out meeting new people, going to various clubs, taking coach trips the lot - nobody knew she had it in her! Her OH had been so controlling we never saw this side of her. She had a fabulous 10ish years!)

But she felt she had no means to support herself and he'd probably destroyed her confidence even if/when she did have the means to leave.

Yes a girl who’s 15

Honestly it is really difficult to judge when people using pop therapyspeak like narc, controlling, toxic.

What do you actually mean?

Because controlling can mean "they were rather strict and didn't let me stay out past midnight as a teenager" or "they locked in my room". Toxic narc can be "dull person who witters on about themselves and tends to be a bit myopic" versus full on emotionally abusive. And so on.

As for the whole "you don't owe your parents anything" I personally think that's BS except in cases of real abuse. Parenting is hard. Most people love their kids and try, but they fall short. They rely on norms in their own time and place which may not be ideal. They have limited time or money. They are human. Mostly, they still tried, and you can acknowledge the shortcomings while also seeing the love and effort.

I'd add, if you are a highly transactional person and only see relationships in terms what people "owe you" (pretty toxic attitude right there imo)..
You have to be willing to live with that.

People who think like that, what would you say if your adult child cut you off by saying something like

"You always banged on about being supportive but actually I just think you didn't us boundaries. That whole 2020s gentle parenting thing is so discredited now, why were you so weak? I'm going LC"

Or

"These days we know children shouldn't have smartphones till they're 19 [or whatever], you didn't protect me from digital harm. Just cos it was easier for you. Why didn't you educate yourself? You're a crap lazy parent"

I mean those are stupid e.g.s. but the point is, we all makes mistakes, we may not be aware we are, and it's very easy to judge someone in hindsight.

Examples of what I mean are:
he wouldn’t talk to us for days if we annoyed him.
We would always have to do what HE wanted.
he would walk out of the house if dinner wasn’t ready when he returned from work.
Mum wouldn’t go shopping with me or spend the day with me when I was 12/13 as dad would get annoyed she was away…

When your mother is not being short or angry do you like hanging out with her?
If yes then maybe plan some time with her with the caveat that if she starts being unpleasant you end the visit/ outing.
If not then ease into low contact.

Im the same age as your mother , married an older man when I was 19 and left with 3 children and two suitcases and a month’s rent when I was 28. I had no qualifications or family money.
It was hard but not impossible. Benefits money was twice what I got in housekeeping so I managed well enough.

Find a middle ground.. you don’t need to take your mum on and live together but she is likely to need some support of how to live her life the way she wants to.

And eras have changed, it would have been very difficult for her then.

Thanks. That does sound bad.

Sorry but: is your dad possibly ND? I know that is such a cliche. My dad is quite similar (silent treatment, weird rages, very random requirements) but he has ASD. Not recognised at the time and in retrospect, he really struggled with parenting. Also grew up in a culture where men came first so probably aspects of that.

My mum did leave - but my God it was hard. I mean I think it is hard to overestimate how tough. My dad turned mean during divorce and withheld money from her. She had to lodge in someone's house while it got sorted. The horrible kids used to come into her room and steal her nice food and she felt too cowed to say anything. She couldn't get a mortgage for ages and thought she might have to give up her beloved pet dog. The stress was unreal, she was basically homeless. And some of their couple friends took his side.

She came through, she's now 77 and in a really good place, lives in her own house and very independent. But please don't discount how very hard it is for women of their generation to leave, and how much she might have felt she was actually doing right by you 💔

It sounds like you are an only child and bitter about that. Doing what your parents want is part of growing up. You don’t always get what you want, it’s part of learning respect.

Your dad is 90, when he was younger and growing up it would have been normal for dinner to be ready for him. That’s not the world now. When you are his age please remember these debates as things will have changed significantly again and things you find normal won’t be.

I'm not taking sides, or suggesting one is right and the other wrong, just aiming to bring some balance to your thinking.

OP you are allowed to put yourself first. That does not make you a horrible person. Yes, women of your mothers generation were trapped, but she's only 70 and could have liberated herself 20 or 30 years ago.

I think there is a lot of guilt tripping on this thread. Your mother enabled your father and you therefore too were abused as a child. Let that sink in. You are allowed to provide however much support you feel OK with or none at all. You aren't responsible for your parents in the way many here claim you are, especially not with the backstory of abuse and neglect.

You matter too and your should finally become the most important person to yourself.

Don't rock the boat is a fantastic description which anyone with a very challenging relationship with parents will recognise. These sorts of post always end up with 2 camps - those who have had difficulties and those who cannot conceive that a parent would behave like that (hopefully because their own parents/family were reasonable human beings, so they have no idea what it's like to grow up with someone who behaves so unreasonably).

You don't have to be a boat-steadier unless you want to, OP.

This, really, just this.

You say your DM lost both her parents by the age of 20, that's a huge thing to deal with and may have been a factor in her marrying a much older man. She may have been very unhappy herself but couldn't process escaping. You are disappointed that she wouldn't get a divorce as this seemed like the obvious move to you but for her it may have seemed an enormous, insurmountable task that she simply could not achieve.

Caring for anyone is hard work but caring for someone like your father seems like it would be even harder work. Try and be there for her. Don't criticise her being 'short', she's probably exhausted, emotionally as well as physically.

I know how difficult it is to support elderly DPs, particularly those who have been less than perfect, but honestly yes it would be cruel to withdraw from your DM now when she’s a full time carer for your DF.

Maybe try asking her if she’s ok when she is snappy or seeing if there is additional support that can be provided through a social services referral. Don’t feel she has to live with you once DF passes but I think abandoning her totally at this point would not be the right thing to do.

The OP doesn’t have to run herself ragged to support her parents poor choices though. Some posts make it sound like she should be martyring herself. Her mum isn’t that old and actually holds more power in the dynamic of her and a 95 year old who needs care. If her mum can’t provide that anymore they need to look at paid carers etc to give a break. That isn’t necessarily the OP’s problem to solve.

OP, the other aspect of this is she almost certainly felt the best option for YOUR security was staying. If she didn't know how she would cope and your dad was the only 'bread winner', I very much expect that she had your best interests in mind here even though it may not feel it to you.

If you were her today, caring for your older husband and having put everyone else before your own wellbeing for most of her life, how would you feel if your daughter went NC?

Not a word of sympathy for OP, eh?

Unless you have a mother who is….difficult…then you really don’t understand. OP you need to do what’s best for you, not your mum or your dad.

You don't owe them a thing. Walk away.

I am only going to talk about what is working (so far) with my own parents.
Father was controlling, angry, shouting all the time. Still is.
Mother was emotionally immature, unable to ever realise that I am my own person with my own experiences. Still is.
As a result, I have cptsd.

But I am an only child. Theres no family around that can support them. Theyre my parents.

So I’ve stepped back ALOT. Telephone calls are regular but shorter.
I grey rock my father a lot.
I am present but from afar. And very importantly, I am refusing to feel responsible for their decisions.
Like they decided to move far away from me mid 70s so I can’t help. Their choice. Etc etc….
In your case, your mum (like my mum btw) decided to stay in an unsatisfactory marriage. Her choice. You should not be made responsible for the consequences of that choice.
I know in my mind that I am going to step in at some point. Because my parents will need it. But how much will be decided by me and how much I can do. Not by their needs iywsim. I will be there to help them sort something out re carers but I won’t do the caring for example.

I feel there is a big difference between going NC, giving no care at all and giving what you can give.

As an aside, how much care are you doing for your parents? I have the feeling that you are getting resentful because it’s simply too much fir you to carry.

I would suggest that your dad goes into respite care for a couple of weeks.

Neither your DM or you can care properly if you don't get a break from it occasionally. "You can't pour from an empty cup" as the saying goes.

Elderly people are prone to sadness, it might be nothing to do with her husband - she is tired and cant do what she would like to do. i would not pull away, you don't have to be there every day but when you are with them be kind and do best you can so you have no regrets...if they ask too much of you just call it out with no arguement.