AIBU to withdraw support from my difficult elderly parents?

[Wandawandswanda]

My dad has forever been controlling and emotionally abusive. I was never close with him and he was often absent emotionally and used control to get his own way. I think my mum was always aware of this but would say she had nowhere to go or any means to support herself if she left. (Both her parents died when she was 20). I always wished they’d divorce and wasn’t generally happy as a child.
fast forward to now, she has basically become a carer to my dad as he’s 25 years older and 95 this year. She’s become very short and angry as a result and often appears that way when we message and speak but I just ignore it as it’s too late now I believe. Aibu to think I should withdraw too as I still feel in a way like I should support them and they have this hold on me…

Of course you are taking sides. You are taking the side of OP's dad who is objectively awful. The silent treatment is abuse and obviously the whole household revolved around his needs.

When my mother died, my cantankerous father assumed I would move in and look after him. After all, what are women for?
I didn’t argue. I sold my house and moved in to the family home and started looking after him.
Two weeks later, he had stopped speaking to me altogether. Life with me just didn’t match up to what he had imagined.
I thought, this can’t go on, so I rented a flat nearby and limited my support to helping him with shopping, with legal and practical issues he was unsure about, and being a handy occasional target for his angry verbal abuse, for the rest of his life.

If I had never moved in with him, he would have been regretful about it, but the relationship between us would have been a whole lot better than the hatred for me that he developed as he got older and less able to control his universe.

So I’d suggest, keep your distance. That will give you a sense of perspective, so you can provide adhoc assistance when it is really needed, without the whole relationship going sour.

Your mum CHOSE to live this life!! She’s still
CHOOSING to stay with this man and keeping this life! 🤷‍♀️ HER DECISION!!! She is a grown adult! She can make the decision to change her life and go off travelling round the world if she wants to! She isn’t responsible for her husband. She has chosen to allow her child to be treated like shit and abused by her husband and she let
him carry on and STILL will allow him to carry on instead of doing what is best for you!!!

You only have one life. Do not take on the responsibility for you parents! They are big enough to look after themselves and if they can’t then they can all adult social services to help or employ someone!!

im sorry but you need to put yourself first. Put your happiness safety and mental health FIRST!!! NOT your parents!!

No it is not harsh at all. It is 2026 and not the 1940s. Things have been different for women for a long time. She could have gotten therapy even just 10 years ago and freed herself. She's still responsible for her actions. How could she not but the OP is then somehow supposed to carry the burden from a previous generation? It makes no sense.

OP how much care are you providing, how often do you phone and visit and are you doing tasks for them ?

I hope he dies soon so you and your Mum can have some peace before her health declines. I bet your relationship will be so much better.,

Her mother is my age we weren't trapped and I had a strict Catholic upbringing and lived rurally. We had the best music, the pill, better paid jobs.

Your mother needs help with the ol' goats care. There's lots available. Respite clubs, carers to come in.

Make sure though that when she does get respite from him that she cuts loose. Take her out shopping.

She could just as easily get sick or become incapacitated herself then events will snowball.

Id do this.

Id leave every times shes rude to you.

Evil people always live long sadly

No care just daily phone calls and social visits.

Here you go OP. This poster wants to help your abusive father out. Get in contact and s/he can arrange supermarket deliveries and carers and chat on the phone plus go and visit.

Oh yabvu

You do owe your parents. If they loved you and cared for you, which it sounds like your mum did, then you owe them loyalty

You dont just abandon them and use therapy speak to justify it

Your dad will die soon and your mum will be alone. Do you have siblings? Its time to figure out a care plan for your mum between you all - you don't have to have her living with you

He won’t die soon his health is immaculate

"Care plan" for the mother?? She's not that old - born in 1956.

My DH was born in 1956 and drives 100+ miles a day to his job where he writes care plans. There is nothing in what OP writes to suggest her mother needs care - it's just an expectation.

It doesn't sound as though OP's parents really cared for her - her father was emotionally abusive and her mother very passive.

Yes she does not need a care plan!!!!

The op's mum is 70 - within the next 10 years, she will be elderly

A care plan starting to be agreed among the siblings is a good idea

Just because a parent isnt perfect, doesn't mean they're a bad mum who deserves to be abandoned

We all have flaws

He is 95

He will die soon 😩

Be there for your mum who raised you

from my experience unkind people don’t get a bit kinder every time they’re nasty. It’s not like there’s a certain amount of unkindness you have to tolerate to get to the love you deserve. Upshot is if someone has been unkind to you routinely it is because they are an unkind person. They will not transform into kindness personified if we just grin and bear the nasty bit. You never help someone by tolerating unkindness. Especially, especially yourself.

Being elderly doesn't necessarily mean you need care! My mum is 81, works 40 hours a week and lives exactly as she did when she was 60. The sum total of her 'care' is a cleaner who comes once a week, which is considerably less support than she had when she was younger! She has several friends who are similar at ages 75-85.

I can never understand why a functioning adult can’t perform the most basic of maths task.
He would become old and wizened when she was relatively young. It was always staring her in the face.
Of course it was going to end like this for your mother. Why on earth would it end any other way?
She did have a choice. She is 70 and trust me many, many 70 year old women are not living this life. They chose to take the hard route and with that choice, make a much better life for their children.
She chose to marry and stay with a man 25 years her senior. Did she think an abusive husband would by metamorphosis transform into a lovely, kind, considerate, healthy & fit man when he became 95?
No, I would not see your father.
See your mother but alone. Meet her for coffee or whatever, but don’t go to her house.
Remember - she chose to keep you with this abusive man. Yes it is entirely down to him but again, she can do the basic maths.

I am in exactly the same position OP but Ive decided to be the bigger person and help them in their last days.
My own DS hasn't spoken to me for years because he blames me for divorcing his father who was violent towards both of us. I worked hard to give us both a good life. The courts denied my ex access to DS because my ex was dangerous and domehow this is my fsult.
Estrangement does not solve angry painful feelings. Counselling does.
I feel better in myself with my decision. I am the better person for it. Forgiveness is very healing but its taken me years to work this out.

It does not seem that you were ever your mother's priority. You do not have to make her yours.

Op you are hearing both sides on here.

Those saying your mother was trapped. No she was not - she had many options back then too, but she chose to stay with your father. Eventually she acclimatised to his ways/abuse. She made her choices.

But you don’t have to live with them too op.

I would take a huge step back from your father, and end phone calls or visits the minute your mother starts being rude to you - and tell her why.

She can’t take out her difficulties on you. He can go into a care home if it’s getting too much. She still has lots of options even now, but she is choosing to be his carer, and that’s her decision.

I am not sure hoping she will change now at this point is wise, be realistic. Do less, see them less if she can’t be civil - suggest support, care home options and other ways to help. You can also take her out for lunch and try and enjoy some time with her away from the house.

Please also be aware people come on to this thread projecting their own lives and needs, which may not be right for you.

You say his health is good and he seems like he will live forever, but at 95 this is not realistic. You also say your mum is his carer and it seems to be wearing her out, so exactly how independent is he at 95? Is he shopping and making meals, doing laundry, socialising, etc. If not then the caring she is doing is very real
and very demanding and likely 24/7. It makes no sense why you are just going for social visits and not helping (though it is understandable if you have never had a
good relationship with him).

Your mother needs to have a proper break away from the house and if he wouldn’t manage without her then, depending on what help he needs, arrange carers coming in or him to go into respite care for a couple of weeks.

If they can’t pay for it, you need to get social services involved to assess the situation stressing how it is affecting your mother’s health.

She has clearly got herself into a situation where she cannot protect her own boundaries or ask for help and you need to see what’s going on and step up and take charge.