AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

What’s the relevance of her having an affair?

If she changed her surname then it’s a potential pita re the children. Keeping her married name is totally normal.

Even if she changed it, you are never going to be the first Mrs Whoever because you aren’t his first wife.

She wants the same name as her kids. Wouldn’t you?

I was in this situation but it didn’t bother me at all, and I kept my maiden name for work anyway. It is a real hassle to change your name, means new passport, possibly house deeds, cards. And lots of other people in the world have the same name. It didn’t even occur to me to be bothered because in any case it’s my children’s name. Please don’t let it spoil your wedding.

If my step mum had done this she would just be my dad’s wife. Leave her alone go have the same surname as her children.

I currently still have my ex husband's surname but remarried couple years ago. Part of me doesnt want to change because I'm late 60s, its a faff and will cost me yet more money (divorce was expensive because ex dicked about for 2 years with paperwork). Also I will have initial and surname as my DH ex and his daughters (both same first initial and surname and kept maiden surnames!!). My DH accepted that I wouldn't change paperwork, bank, passport etc etc etc and I am know to some as Mrs DH surname. Now and then he mentions it would be nice to have his name and I feel a bit guilty. But I'm nearly 70 he's 70 and tbh Im ok as is. I don't even think about my surname being my exs as I've had it for over 45 years but if I did change think I'd go back to my maiden name. It's a funny one and for me the fact that the ex wife and the daughters all being A Bloggs puts me off taking his name, which is daft but its how I feel 🤷

Would you want to have different surname then your kids? And potentially have lots of trouble explaining every time you register them for activities, while travelling. You are beeing so unreasonable!

Trouble registering your children for activities? Get a grip!

I never changed my surname when I got married so I have a different surname to my kids and I have been asked at the airport to show my kids birth certificate to prove I was their mother for having a different surname so I completely understand her wanting to keep the same surname as her kids even after she has remarried.

ive never had a single problem with having a different surname to my kids. I know very few women who’ve changed their name after marriage

You obviously never had to do that! So many places require documents to proove you are a parent if you are signing any forms.

I think you’re being unreasonable and also old-fashioned. Most women I know keep their own surname after marriage, generally because that’s how they’re known professionally.

When I divorced my first husband I kept his name as I’d had it longer than my maiden name. We had four children, so when we divorced, I kept the same name so it was the same as children’s. Twelve years or so later I remarried and just added my new name with a hyphen. I love it, and apparently I’m the only person in the country with my surname. Keep yours, and add his.

I don’t know any who have. I do know one who retained her maiden name professionally but uses her married name otherwise.

Why does it bother you? Surely there are other woman with the same surname about? Do you have the same first name also??

My dh was married just a year and his ex kept his name. Why shouldn’t she? 22yrs later and she still has it, no kids. It’s up to her and hasn’t bothered me at all.

I don’t really see why/how this is a problem

nothing you can do anyway

Personally I wouldn’t care. She may remarry one day anyway and her name will change.

I always regret not keeping my maiden name too late now i have been married for 26 years!

She may see it as having her dcs name rather than her exh name, look at it that way. YABU.

You don’t have to take his name , I have never taken my husband’s names . My name was the one I was born with and will die with .

We don't rent names from the men in our lives. It's her name, she doesn't have to change it to make you more comfortable.
If you don't want the same.name.as her, don't change your name.

I’m of the opinion that women should not default change their name when they marry and children should have the same name as their mother.

it’s her name if you don’t want the same name keep your maiden name

Get a grip OP…. She was there first.

I'm afraid I am one of those women who kept her "married" name after divorce. My ex husband hates this, as does his soon to be wife - but I originally kept it for the kids, and when they no longer cared, I kept it because I couldn't be bothered with the life admin of changing my name on everything.

I do understand my ex and his betrothed, and I don't blame them for their feelings. I didn't keep my name because I wanted that connection to my ex or anything like that - but my name has been this for nearly 20 years - and it's who I am now. It's not a rare name, I've met a few people with the same surname (no relation) and to change it now would feel odd. I'm sure that my ex and his new partner will get over it, and hopefully understand I'm not trying to be difficult, and seeing as I live at the opposite end of the country to them, highly unlikely to cause any awkwardness - no mutual friends or family etc.

Maybe think of yourself as Mrs Bbb 2.0 - the upgraded model - if it makes you feel any better?

My mother and Stepmother also happen to have the same first name, so they have the exact same name. I remember my mum being in hospital and my stepmum ringing to check on her and having the most confusing conversation with a nurse when she left a message FROM Jemima Jones TO Jemima Jones…whoever answered the phone thought it was my mother ringing from the hospital pay phone to check on herself, and she was having some kind of episode!