AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

I remarried to ex #2 . His first wife had the same first name as I have, even spelled the same way.So our names were identical, married to him. Didn’t bother me, I have to say.
I had real, bigger problems which meant, after a year, I was leaving and bought myself a house..in my maiden name . I hadn’t even had time to change my passport or driving licence before I caught him cheating..6 days after our wedding.
But, if he’d been a good man, it would not have bothered me. It’s not as though she and I were the only two in the world with that name, just as there are even more share his names

Doesn’t matter what she deserved or who she was nobbing.

Anyone can use whatever surname they want and none of us can stop them based on what they deserve.

Yes, I’m sure she cheated on him because that’s what he said after all but she is still madly in love with him because he’s so great, even though he wasn’t that great because she cheated. He’s still great because she simply can’t let him go.

She can’t stand to let him go, even though she didn’t want him before, so she keeps his name
like a badge of honour. Makes a lot of sense. 🙄 Especially how you have such a good understanding of it all even though you don’t know any of the people.

It makes far more sense than she just wants the same name as her kids.

We are commenting on OPs post not going on tagents and adding our own narratives.
Or at least no one else is.
Get with the program

Its her name. It became hers when she chose to change her maiden name. How happy the marriage was is irrelevant. How long the marriage was is irrelevant. Who she did and didn't shag during the marriage is irrelevant. What she said on divorce is irrelevant. If you dont like having the same name as her chose a different one. You could both double barrel and have your own surname. Although, I bet your fiancé' won't want to do that.

And the fact is… this woman doesn’t want a different surname to her children so she doesn’t wish to change HER surname.

That’s the facts

No i dont appear to know these people a fraction as much as you seem to.
Im judt going on ops post. Maybe you dhoukd stick yo the narrative too

I took my DHs name and I would keep it if we got divorced. I would want to keep the same name as my DC and i couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of changing name again. My maiden name doesn’t really feel like my name anymore either, it’s been so long since I was called that

You have been cheated on @Dersie ?

What is his mother called? His paternal grandmother?
Does he have any brothers or male cousins on his Dad’s side who are married?

There will be loads of Mrs Bbbs. You are angry that she mistreated your husband-to-be and you don’t want to share a name with someone you dislike. That is the wrong thing to focus on. Just put her out of your mind.

What are you on about!

It is you that has made up a fantastical story about why this woman is keeping her own name because you ‘know this type’.

How often do people within the family even use surnames anyway? I imagine she’s referred to as “Debbie” or whatever. When will you ever be together in a formal situation where you both have to say your surnames? It’s not like you are both teachers in the same school or something!

she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about

How he felt about it was entirely irrelevant. She can have what name she chooses, neither he nor you need to be 'fine' with it.

Any one male or female who has an affair all through their marriage to someone else is a certain type.
So not a "fanrastical" story , its there in black and white if youd care to understand the original pist details.

It's concerning that you think most men would be perturbed by this! It's 2026 not 1950. A friend of mine married young and took that husband's name and kept it after they divorced because she likes it, it goes well with her furst name, no children involved. She's since married and has kept the same name and of course her husband doesn't care because he's a normal guy without backward hang ups about names.

Where does it say throughout the entire marriage?

@Dersie you should start a thread because whatever happened to you re being cheated on is still very very raw

I understand your frustration as I felt similar with my partners ex (who eventually did change her name back in her own time and own terms) However, this is something you have absolutely no control over so do not give it any more headspace.

Yes its her name by marriage, now shes not married to that person but to someone else whom she had an affair with through most of her first marriage but still insisting on keeping her former husbands name.

Why don’t you just keep your own name . Who cares ? Thats what I did not from some sort of feminist protest , mostly cos I couldn’t be bothered and couldn’t be bothered filling in forms .

The second Mrs Tanqueray…

I found it weird that me and MIL were both Mrs xxx

Oh, the patriarchy. 2 women essentially being judged and in knots over a man’s name while the man sits back and doesn’t have to do a thing while 2 women and his kids all bear his name. No doubt when they got married there was no way in hell his kids were getting her name so he has some nerve giving out about it now the prick

I was married to my girls’ father for 10 years (they were just turned 4 and 7 when I found out he’d been having an affair!)

He remarried within 8 months of our divorce (to the woman he’d had the affair with).

I kept my married name until my girls were both married themselves, as I didn’t want us to have different names. The new ‘Mrs Custard’ wasn’t impressed…but tough luck! I was even less impressed that she’d knowingly screwed my husband for 4 and a half years (since I was pregnant with my youngest!!) 🤷‍♀️

The ex is happily living her best life, the fact her ex’s fiance is stewing and pissed off over HER surname won’t even be noticed by her.

How do you know throughout most of her marriage?

When are you going to start your own thread @Dersie ?!

Yes which probably makes me biased admittedly.