AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Mind your own business. She wants the same name as her children and probably cba with the admin. You have too much tine on your hands if this is sn issue for you

It's her name.

I don’t think you are odd to feel how you do op, but my advice is to let it go.
My husband’s exwife has kept “his” name, their kids have long since married and changed their names so that’s not a reason. And she has been married again, changed her name, then divorced again….changed her name back to my husband’s surname. (Yes I know it’s her name, just trying to use language to make the scenario easily understood!)
Do I think it’s odd and a bit sad? Absolutely! She claims to hate him but wants the same name when she could choose any other. And it’s very unusual name. If I were to divorce I would immediately change my surname.
But it is her choice and it doesn’t affect us at all, it’s a complete irrelevance really.
Don’t let it bother you.

She has every right to the name but honestly why you would want to take it I havd no idea.

I married 35 years ago and it never occurred to me to do it and it never impacted our children.

Keep your own name or put up with being the present Mrs X.

She chose to keep the name as she felt it was easier with the children as is her right.

You don't need to take it at all.

“What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare.

I don’t know why you or your DP would think she’d change her name when she got married when she had already said that her choice of name came from wanting the same surname as her children.

This feels like such a non issue. But don’t change your name if it bothers you.

Thanks everyone! For the ones who could understand how I felt I thank you even more.

As you can see in my initial post I did actually say I know I’m being unreasonable but it still doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me a little.

BTW I also have children - I’ve never shared the same surname as them and travel has never been an issue.

I agree it is one of those ‘second wife’ issues and one that I can live with

I won’t be posting any further on this post - I’m choosing to move on and just accept it for what it is.

Why dont you go double barrelled. Its all the rage.

I considered this - but it would make my name quite clunky - the names just don’t go together at all. Both names are double syllable with the same ending and it sounds more like the name of a solicitors or insurance company

Why don’t you talk to your partner about him changing his name to match yours? Or both of you choosing a different same name?

Her name is none of your business and neither is it his. She can pick whatever name she wants (within whatever legal limitations exist).

I kept my married name when we divorced. He cheated and I hated him for it, but after losing everything I wasn’t giving up my identity. It belongs to her, and she has chosen to keep it for her own reasons. Remarried and not changed it sounds a bit strange though, but I think by how the post reads you would still feel the same even if she hadn’t remarried and it’s more that you want the attachment to your partner and not her.

This!! If you and your DP are unhappy with her having your DPs name, your DP should suggest she takes her new husband's name, and their children also take her new husband's name. He should also pay for her- changing your name is not cheap.

Likely she doesn't want to change her name because travel with children who have a different name is a nightmare, being called your ex's name by schools etc anyway- why would she not want to keep it? Since you haven't yet done it you may not be aware of the MASSIVE hassle and expense it causes to change your name- dentist, doctor, gas bill, phone bill, electric bill, new passport, new driving licence, every bank, mortgage, rates, kids teachers, kids daycare, email addresses...the list goes on.

Your excitement should be about marrying your DP. This woman and her name are absolutely none of your business.

I have never been cheated on or cheated.

Children @Dersie . Children. The woman wants the same surname as her children. As that really such a struggle for you to grasp?

So you married and kept your maiden name? Or never married?

and that is great you have never had any issues travelling with children under a different surname. But many have. And many just same well WANT to share the same surname with their children!!

Oh and hell YES I still have my ex’s surname!!

Could be worse... my brother double-barrelled and the way their names go together sounds like a disease...

so many disingenuous responses pretending not to understand why the OP feels upset.

OP I would hate it too. But it’s life. As a step parent you just have to deal with the fact there was someone before you. I honestly hope this is the hardest thing you have to deal with as a step parent. If you want your husband’s name then take it.

I imagine the ex won’t be happy that you have the same name as her kids but tough shit, that’s just how life pans out.

Goodness. I have been married 15 years. We have children with that surname. I wouldn’t give it up either (even though I dislike it).

I’m not pretending. I’m in the same situation as the OP and I really can’t see what the problem is. My husband’s ex having the same surname as me is a complete non-issue. It has zero impact on my life.

It's not remotely disingenuous. OP was being daft.

This sort of thing is an inevitability when we have a society where a significant minority of marriages end in divorce, and the majority of women follow name and title choices arising from societies that didn't need a custom for what to call divorced women. It's going to get a bit clunky sometimes. There's a way to avoid this, but OP has opted into it instead. She'll get over it, hopefully.

I find this so interesting. I didn’t change my name nor did my bloke’s ex. So I’m Ms Myname and she’s Mrs Hisname. Why would I give a shit what she calls herself? I’ve been married to him longer than she was too.

There could end being several Mrs X"s. I divorced my ex dh, kept his name to be same as kids, but also bc i had a very ugly maiden name. Since then ex has re-married 3 more times, and as far as i can see we are all the same Mrs X still. None of us has married again though, hmmm....It makes me laugh anyway. I wonder how many more there will be?! 🤣