AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

totally reasonable for ex to keep her married name if children involved. Also, assuming your DP's mother is married, there will be another Mrs xxx who shares the same name.

There will be other Mrs bbb though. DH mother, brother’s wife. Unless it’s an extremely unusual name there will be plenty dotted around the country/globe.

You do not have exclusive rights to a name. His ex wife is using her legal name to share the same name as her children.

I told my ex if I took his name I was keeping it. Never thought I'd have a child with a Spanish surname naming convention but it needed to be done. My DP isn't even funny about our DS having half my (ex's) surname. Families are messy and you are joining one.

Irrelevant if children are involved tbh. The name belongs to her for as long as she wants it. My DM has been divorced far longer than she was married- two years, divorced 30 years ago - still has my stepfathers name and will never change it. They never had kids together.

”married for 10 years & had affair for 4-5 years “
that’s not most.

Oh but 4 to 5 years makes it so much more acceptable 🤣😂 get a grip

Well you can always go double barrelled. I know someone who got married and he and his wife both double barrelled their names so they had the same name with both surnames.

I understand how you feel but you will be Mrs x and she will be Miss or Ms x.
Personally, I think if someone gets divorced they would surely want to break free from their ex and return to their maiden name.

A couple I am friendly with have each kept their surnames. Their daughter has the surname of the father. It doesn’t seem to have caused any problems.

You are not slightly unreasonable, you are very unreasonable. This is HER name. One she shared with HER children and a name she was using before you. You will not be the only Mrs Bbb in the world, not even in your town and certainly not in your family. So what if she has the same name. It’s a part of life that people share names.

Completely unreasonable and spoiled.

There's a very simple solution - don't take your soon to be DH's name. There's no legal requirement to do so.

But it is not throughout her entire marriage, which is what you said.

And how many threads do we see on mumsnet alone of women scared to leave their husbands because they know they will go for 50:50 despite being shite dads…. Just as an example why she may not have jumped ship earlier @Dersie

I’m about to change my name after divorce and was trying to decided whether i should revert to my maiden name (which i don’t really like) or what to do really. Im definitely going to put Gurtwhistlesmithnyduster on the list 😆

It is her name now and it is one she shares with her children. There is no reason she should go through the hassle of changing her name again.

if you and your fiance want to share a name and want a name different from his ex, use your surname.

Even if I had behaved like the devil incarnate throughout my marriage until finally my husband divorced me… I still wouldn’t change my surname. Why? I want the same damn surname as my children and the fact my ex’s new partner would rather I gave it up… would be like water off a duck’s back to me

I think I’m in agreement with most when I say it’s HER name!
I was with my ex for just under 8 years. Married for less than 2. I kept my married name because I wanted the same surname as my children. Also, it’s MY name.
my exh married the woman he had an affair with & I know she was really put out that I kept the name. Tough shit. I didn’t lose an ounce of sleep over it.
I’ve been divorced over 20 years. Guess what, it’s still my name!

Beyond ridiculous. It’s actually none of your business what another person calls herself. Why don’t even care? That could be you one day and imagine how you’d think about a new woman objecting to you continuing to use your name.

Why women still change their names in this day and age is beyond me anyway. It’s sexist and old fashioned.

I was wondering when the usual guff about this would come up. There’s always one misogynist who wants to claim their birth name was ‘actually’ their great-grandad’s name so it didn’t matter that they change their name to their husband’s name……..immediately demonstrating that they think men own their names but women never do.

Those ‘silly’ women thinking that if their husband owns his name, they can own theirs…

Yes, I'm most definitely a raaaaging misogynist, ffs 🙄 I actually think it's a little misogynistic to argue that, given an easy and socially acceptable opportunity, a woman is just a nasty misogynist for wanting to eliminate that connection to her father. It's massively dismissive of an individual's valid reasoning, and is a bit shitty when that reasoning may be based in trauma.
But as I said, this is a ridiculous derail at this point. All I wanted to do was point out to a pp that there can actually be good reasons a woman might want to bother changing her name.

Agree with this.

This is a very weird post. Maybe a wind up?

It’s not his surname, it’s hers now.

I think women are crazy for changing their name to their husbands though and for giving their children his name.

I kept my name when we married and our children have my name. It wasn’t up for discussion. My husband is a great father and was supportive of our children having my name.

Bitterness? More like I dumbfounded that someone would still take exs surname long after marriage has ended its just sad and unnecessary, regardless how the marriage ended.
Im guessing by your raging posts you still have your exs name, have they since remarried, is that why yoy are so angry? Do you still carry you ex husbands surname?
Bless. No offence

The answer is for women to keep their names! Taking a man’s name stems from
women being chattel and owned. It’s outdated and, when you think about it, very weird in our otherwise evolving world.

Many modern families double barrel for children. Easy peasy.

I would triple insist he did not

And how would you enforce that, in a jurisdiction where people can call themselves anything they damn well please?