DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

I think your energy would be better focussed on thinking how you can draw closer to your 3 children because you sound very much an outsider in the family

Is the feeling responsible thing because he's worried the next generation will be less well off? It will be extremely unusual for young people to have a generous db pension, for example.

They’re our children not just his and I don’t expect his feelings to change and I won’t be telling him what some mumsnetters think either. The opinions given on this thread are for me to think about and to potentially help me decide for myself which side of our fence I either stay on or move.
I’m extremely grateful that we have the money to gift and leave to our DC when the time comes but it’s through our hard work, DH’s financial savvy and a bit of good luck that this is the position we’re in and ultimately that they are very likely to be in.

Absolutely agree with this. The money isn't the issue here.

Yes but no one telling me how to feel about my children is going to have much impact on me. And I suspect your husband is the same.

Exactly
it seems such a waste of the OP’s time when the big picture is… she isn’t close to any of her three children and very much feels it

I agree.

And obsessing over the money just seems like a way to other the OP more. On the face of it from her own posts there is enough money for OP & the DH to do what they want, they go on several holiday, the treat everyone to meals out, plus they help their children out during one of the most financially tight times - early adulthood.

So what if the DH is doing it out of guilt for working so much when they were young? Perhaps this is why he worked so much when they were young, to be able to help them for so long into the future.

The fact that the OP can’t even vocalise why she has an issue with this is really the reason why she should just move on and try to actually bond with her family more. I bet this perceived issue is actually causing some of the drift between her and her children.

Entitlement doesn’t equal a lack of appreciation.

It could be yes and I hadn’t thought of that, very helpful suggestion thanks.

Interesting conundrum. I don’t think I could give my children a monthly amount. Regular big amounts to avoid IHT, yes. House deposits, pay for meals out, help with grandchilden, yes.

A few hundred a month when I have to stay in a 3 star hotel? Nope.

How hard do the children work? I have nephews who are gifted monthly money by both parents and grandparents because “it’s tough out there for youngsters right now”. Of course it’s tough working 30 hours a week, no kids, fixed term contracts. Funnily enough the grandparents started the help whilst at Uni and have now stopped age 26 as they were not cracking on with life.

Accepting an offer doesn’t mean entitlement.

He sounds like a good, generous, caring and loving man.

If I were you, I would be grateful and happy that my children have such a caring father, no matter how old the children get.

Your children are always your children.

He worked so much when they were young because that’s what his job demanded and also to pay our mortgage, bills etc as I was a SAHM for many years. We had no regular childcare and there wasn’t such a thing as free childcare hours then. Anything I would’ve earned would have been spent pretty much entirely on external childcare and neither of us wanted that.
As for moving on and trying to bond more with my family, it’s a work in progress. Not the initial point of the thread but as it’s been commented on more than once, it’s something that’s being addressed and will be ongoing. And for the record, I don’t think I’m obsessing about the money, I’ve responded to questions and explained several times why we’re gifting and haven’t even said how much we’re gifting. The point of the thread for those who clearly haven’t read it all is for opinions of me possibly BU as it was something I was questioning in myself.

I am grateful and I tell him that often.

But if I had been entitled surely I would have said “no, carry on giving me money!”

I would put all this put of your mind and instead just focus on trying to draw closer to your children. Perhaps once grandchildren come on the scene… that will be when they start to see you differently

although was grandchildren obligations what your other thread was about?

You’re absolutely right and it’s a horrible feeling but it’s a work in progress and something that’s being addressed because it needs to fixed and I’m sure it will be and not by gifting, that’s an additional aside.

You spoke about wishing you could spend more on yourselves. I am probably a few years older than you so would say do it and do it now. We are very lucky that neither of us is in poor health but can feel the difference from 60 to second half of our 60s. We have spent to make the house more comfortable, we have got into the way of spending more on eating out and buying better food (also enjoy supporting local small businesses). We elected to give each child a one off large (for us) amount.

Yes it was partly, you clearly remember more about my other thread than I do. Only one of my DC has their own DC so as much as I’m missing the bond with my DC, there is more of a closeness with my DC who has their own children.

What an odd thread. You’re asking if you’re being unreasonable to think your husband shouldn’t feel financially responsible for your children? Well, yes you’re unreasonable to be telling someone else how to feel. Yes, he is unreasonable to be thinking he’s responsible for adults who obviously went off to get mortgages etc. I think this is a case of too much time and money on your hands. Get on with your lives, gift your children if you wish (or if it’s good for tax purposes).

It does when it’s accepted on a long-term, ongoing basis for little reason.

I think about it in terms of levelling the playing field. My parents had free university education, I paid around £1200 per year, I'll support my children so they don't end up in hundreds of thousands of debt.

My dad bought a £1.3 million house on one salary. We earn double his salary but can only afford a much less valuable house and without help our children may end up renting a hovel as money increasingly becomes concentrated in the hands of the wealthy and buy to let 'investors' who provide a 'service' of rent extraction to people who would years ago have been able to buy those same houses but can't due to people who own more than their fair share of housing.

Oh my parents “reason” and my “reason” is simply… I love treating my children! And my parents felt the same.

Hi op it’s a tough one because your dh likes to give them money and you are right he shouldn’t feel financially responsible now as they are adults. I think the fact none of them are expecting it is good. I think you could suggest that you do this but also treat yourselves too like your holidays to better accommodation or if you need health care you say I’m going private if he says no to these you should say if it was the dc it wouldn’t be an issue. Is he closer as they see him as the person who does help financially. Sometimes kids forget it was the mom who took care of them when they were little but they only remember dad getting his wallet out or helping them in other ways.