DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Not every month, no. But she did alternate between me and my brother by giving away £3k per year as part of her IHT planning.

Same here.

This is exactly what my parents do, though I get the full amount every year as I don't have any siblings.

That’s a familiar story, @Femalefootyfan1 . It’s jam tomorrow for you and him, being ‘careful’ and ‘sensible’ and feeling rationed. It’s ’have this dear’ for the DC. Do they live a less frugal lifestyle than you and DH?

💐
My situation is a bit different, but I feel your pain!

does it reduce their hunger to achieve would be my yardstick?

if not, keep helping as it’s lovely.

If so, I’m afraid they need to do more.

I imagine they’re just jealous, but would probably never admit it.

A bit like those people who say inheritance tax should be 100%, because it’s not fair on those who won’t get any - I always assume they’ll be among the non inheritors.

' my DH suggested we gift and I agreed. Yes it comes out of his pension income as his is much, much higher than mine. He pays tax on his income,
I don’t get enough to pay tax. I’m not going to explain further than that.

I would sometimes prefer that we use this gift money for additional treats for us I feel that although we’re fortunate to travel across the year, we differ in the choice of accommodation we have so I’d prefer upwards of say 3 star, he’ll generally go for just 3 star, sounds petty but there it is, that’s just an example of how differently we view how much we spend on things.

I’d also like to do additional days out/lunch out for us as that was something we never did when we were working.
I also do sometimes feel a bit overlooked and taken for granted which I know is a separate issue and not something for this thread.

I spend more on personal items from the money I receive than he does as he’s not one for new clothes, shoes etc like I am, personal choice at the end of the day. '

I can't decide if you are greedy or just jealous of the money he gives to the children.

but you certainly don't like how he chooses to spend his money.

Now that you are both receiving your personal pensions before retirement age, does this mean you wouldn't get any of his pension in a divorce ?

It’s not an either or.

Yes they do live a more frugal lifestyle because they have to. Two pay rent and bills etc, one pays a mortgage, bills etc. They also need to save for their holidays and cars and all the expenses that come with having their own DC (for 1 of them anyway)
We only have bills to pay plus whatever else we choose to spend our money on.
We had a frugal lifestyle in our early 30’s because we had to have one, it was only as my DH climbed the career ladder that our lifestyle vastly improved but at the expense of his time.

Mine had house deposits and I gift cash generously at Christmas and Birthdays

I think there is a very fine line and paying phones/ cars for earning adults is infantilising them
All the"I would give my kids my last penny" is martyrish and enmeshed
Gawds sake treat them like adults and let them grow up

You aren’t close to them, distant from the. and that makes you sad

So I’m your shoes, I wouldnt dig your heels in. Seems odd to be wanting to stop this when you feel sad about your relationship with them. All they will see is their dad enjoying treating them and their mum saying no no no.

I can see both sides. My parents have never helped me nor would they think to. However, it does not bother me. But I know my FIL still sees my DH and his siblings as his children in all ways despite them all having families and jobs of their own. It can feel quite claustrophobic as an adult to never be able to pick up a bill or constantly having them want to buy/gift us stuff. But then again I would be the same with ours - so I see both sides!

Yes this is how I feel too. Despite only having average salary jobs DH and I have always helped out our children.
One other thing to add is that I enjoy buying things for them more than for myself. As I have got older I am only interested in a very simple life, so I get joy from hearing about their travels or things they have done.

I’m neither greedy nor jealous, there’s enough money in our pots for both of us to have a comfortable life. We don’t see our income as his money or my money, it’s our money that we both spend. You don’t know how I spend the small pension I get other than what I’ve already said.
I don’t know if I would get any of his personal pension in the event of a divorce, it’s not something I’ve had to explore but neither is it the point of this thread.

I’m not trying to stop the gifting, if you read all my posts, you’d know I agreed to the gifting. If we hadn’t agreed on it, we probably wouldn’t have done it but I’m sensible enough to know that what we’re doing is a good, tax efficient idea.
I started the thread to get opinions and I’m not digging my heels in, there’s actually been some really helpful comments given and lots of food for thought for me.

I don’t mind admitting that one way we’re reducing inheritance tax, is by putting fairly substantial sums into Junior S&S ISAs for the 3 Gdcs. It’s a bit of a worry that they’ll have access at 18, but 🤞they’ll be generally sensible - and at some point when they’re a bit older - assuming I’m still here - I shall be having a Little Talk with them.

If you really do have enough in your pot, despite it not being enough to be taxed n, why are you not paying for a 4 or 5 hotel ?
Why are you not suggesting lunches out and paying for them ?
etc.

We gave each of our 3 DC a very substantial gift with which they each bought their first house.

We do not subsidise them in any other way.
They are all working hard in good careers and have been very grateful for the help so I do not think it has made them entitled

So in unclear

what are you wanting then?

Could you afford the more luxurious holidays and a few meals out and still give them some money ?
It sounds like less of a money issue and more of a sadness that you would like to enjoy a few of the finer things in life with your DH and it’s less of a priority to him.

To answer your question, my DPs helped me out at important times in my life ( only DC) so lump sum deposit towards my first mortgage, paid for my wedding and very kindly paid for DS private education. They didn’t start giving me the annual tax free lump sum until a few years ago when they were in their 80s and sure that they had more than enough for any care needs. Just as well as they have both had to go into a care home with dementia and the one bright spot of the past year is at least when the decision was finally taken, they had ample funds and we could oick a nice place round the corner from us.

We hope to do roughly the same for DS ( another only DC not through choice). But at this stage of our lives - late 50s - we’re definitely focusing on spending on ourselves and traveling as much as we can with my part time job and seeing DPs frequently, as we’re aware that our good health may not last forever.

You are needing to plan for perhaps 40/50 years of life - with no clarity at all on the situation we might face as a country. Spending even most of it, is fraught with risk. You are assuming this country stays solvent long enough to feed you in old age.

Op we are possibly 10 - 15 years ahead of you. Retired 10 years anyway and each now receiving 3 x pensions (gov, private and occupational). We did actually sell our house nearly 3 years ago in order to offload to children now when it would better benefit them plus for inheritance tax reasons. It doesn’t stop us travelling, (6 months out of 12 but not 5 star, got over that gone down to 4 star plus we have a v nice camper) or having lunch/dinner out whenever we like. Prioritise your own needs/wants then gift what you can. You don’t need masses in the bank….. if you need elderly care your pensions will be taken. The HMRC rule is you can contribute to your children’s outgoings on a regular basis as long as there is no reduction/detriment to your own lifestyle.

I asked for opinions on whether I’m BU to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling financially responsible for our adult DC.
DH and I feel differently about this subject and the opinions given on this thread have given me food for thought.

I very much doubt his feelings about his children would change on the basis that you tell him some mumsnetters think xyz

It's not enmeshed, it's to do with the inheritance tax rules. If you give regular gifts out of surplus income they are immediately IHT free (even if you due within 7 years). It's standard tax-planning advice.

And OP says they invest it for the future. Much more useful than receiving money later when you're in your 60s or 70s.