DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

I think dh would easily baby our kids - it’s in his upbringing to treat adults like children - I am trying to teach them financial independence (he is keen on this too) - they need to learn to plan effectively, but other things need to be considered - we need to have enough money to pay for our old age care and that is very pricey - I won’t destroy their lives by making them responsible for us in old age. Giving them money for luxuries - or avoid inheritance tax only to land them with massive caring responsibilities is not a kindness. Our savings are now for our old age and I won’t be living life like a pauper so that they can have regular massages & botox! You pay for those luxuries after you’ve covered your bills!

No, the entitlement comes where you feel a) justified to accept it and b) no discomfort in accepting it.

It weakens financial independence, fosters dependence as opposed to growth, and reduces the consequences of financial decisions and responsibility.

Unless they are experiencing an exceptional circumstance, I can’t think of one good reason to prop them up as though they are a child.

And you can’t be surprised when your children are frivolous or irresponsible. Or burn through money or you die and they end up in debt. It’s lovely to treat dc regardless of age but you can ruin them too.

It's a tough one, my DF felt financially responsible for me into adulthood; I kept telling him not to, and would treat my parents as often as I could, I was earning a good salary, but he persisted. When he died, I discovered that I actually earned more than he did. Even if he had known that, I don't think it would have changed anything.

When I went to uni in London my parents paid my tuition and rent and I had £400 a month from my student loan for everything else. No, they don’t need anymore money.

that was nice of them! They didn’t need to do this. But I bet you appreciated it!

and then

Our wedding (my second) 7yrs ago cost £14k. Joint income at the time was about £95k. About £8k gifted from parents.
My first wedding cost £25k. Joint income £50k. About £15k gifted.
My sister’s wedding was £25k. Joint income £40k. £20k gifted.

so big one off payments - not entitled
but smaller regular payments - entitled?

Well sure that could happen 😕

I said for ‘little reason’. And that is for little reason.

Did you feel that way accepting £15k for your first wedding and then £8k for your second, and all your uni tuition and rent paid for?

big lump sums? Fine. Smaller regular treats… not fine

Whereas your folks giving you £23k for two weddings… absolutely fine

got it

Your hypocrisy @Didimum is breathtaking

you received £15k from your folks for your first wedding and then £8k for your second but then you say We don’t mind helping with uni, property deposits or childcare costs, but I draw the line at contributing to weddings.

unbelievable!!

Yes, I did feel entitled to it at the time. I paid my mother back for the second wedding, however.

Your posts are muddled, on one hand you say you can afford this, you won’t run out of money, your life is comfortable, next you say the money your husband gives his children you’d like to spend on better hotels for you and more treats for you. Which states you’re going without to do this, it can’t be both.

and you also claim all the money is yours, you both worked hard for it. Bit it appears you didn’t work for a long time, you have s small pension, you rely heavily on your husband to support you financially and you spend your pension on you. Now you’re objecting to him spending some of his on your children as you want it spent on you too.

in addition you claim it’s sad you’re not close to your own kids, it’s a work in progress, in the same breath grudging them the money their father gives them as you want it spent on your enjoyment.

you were a sahm for a long time, but you’re not close to your own children. You argue your salary would have went on childcare, but it’s a joint cost and work is about a lot more. I wonder how well being a sahm worked out for you all and how much that situation led to your relationship today.

overall I find myself grimacing reading your posts, you don’t come across as a woman who wants to get close to her kids, you come across as you grudge them the money and want it spent on you instead, when already he spends plenty on you. Supporting uou. It’s him he doesn’t spent on.

Just breathtaking hypocrisy

If you read my actual posts, I do not count university as ‘no reason’ to give your child money. I clearly say it’s ’ongoing, long-term’ financial support for ‘little reason’.

I also said I did feel entitled to the wedding gift at 22 as they had given my sister £25k.

I also said I paid my mother back for the second wedding monetary gift.

Is an 18 or a 22yr old an entitled? Of course. Am I an adult accepting long term and ongoing financial support from my parents? No. Therefore there’s no hypocrisy at play.

Well no - because OP isn’t posting about monetary gifts for weddings or putting her teenagers through university, is she?

I would be a hypocrite either criticising that OR being an adult accepting long-term, regular financial support from parents – which I am not. So brush up on your definitions.

But you say you would never ever contribute to your own children’s weddings

yet accepted very sizeable amounts for both your weddings 😆

And that’s because weddings are a pretty pointless waste of money.

But in total you’ll have accepted tens of thousands of pounds in chunks from your parents. And that’s fine?

whereas much smaller regular deposits totalling the same amount is not fine?

Didn’t stop you accepting

Twice

No I paid my mother back for the second wedding monetary gift. My parents gifted me first wedding money as they has given my sister £25k.

Weddings are a pointless waste of money, and I would encourage my children not to spend on them.

Quite a bit. They paid for my uni tuition and rent, which was 8k a year for three years. They gave me 10k for my first wedding. 5k for my second wedding. Various expensive gifts across the years – phones, iPads, laptops.

oh and my mum did childcare 2 days a week saving us £15k

I would free uncomfortable supporting my adult, employed DC on a regular basis as well OP. We are happy to support them financially at University / employment training, but once in employment I think it is important to cut the apron strings. Paying for mobile phones, car insurance etc seems crazy when they have their own income and secure job. Managing finances is part of adulting and being independent.
Sure, we treat them to meals out, but regular direct debts is the responsibility of the adult imo.

This post isn’t about monetary wedding gifts – as I have said several times.

Doesn’t change that accepting long-term and ongoing financial support from your parents into adulthood does not create entitlement. It absolutely does. And depletes independence and responsibility.

Was I an entitled young adult? You bet I was.

So it would seem that if a parent gives small regular deposits @Didimum thinks it’s entitled

if the parent gives very big amounts for specific things (like 2 weddings, rent and tuition) and buys expensive gifts like phones iPads and laptops tips that’s fine

even if the latter equates to the same or more than the former

Interesting

How old were you when you married the second time and pocketed a whopping £8k?