DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

Not the point of the OP but - how sad that people are mentioning here that they're trying to avoid paying inheritance tax. Don't you want your NHS/social care etc to be properly funded?

Exactly. I think from what they say all our friends are the same with their kids too. I know my aunts were the same with my cousins . I think it’s more of an exception not to help where/ when you can, in my world anyway.

A belief that one has a justified claim to something.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that.

Not envy at all. I made a great life for myself without the help from my parents. I just think it’s childish to get financial help repeatedly when there is no need.

I think more importantly care/ carehome fees should be considered regarding NHS etc that’s where alot of senior wealth is going. Often to private companies Sometimes out of a large estate there won’t be much left to pay IT on.

Don't think 'financially responsible' is the right way to put it. You help them no more and no less than others would, were they able to. You say they all have careers that pay - financially responsible would be covering all their bills, which you don't.

Blimey. Imagine thinking it's childish for parents to give their children a financial bonus.

I understand helping them if they are in financial trouble or when they are first starting out. In their 30s and older they should be providing for themselves. I don't understand the need to baby grown adults. Your husband is giving them pocket money!

But they are providing for themselves. The extra money is just a bonus.

There wasn’t any “need” for my parents to deposit money in to my account fairly regularly. It was to “treat myself” . And that I did.

And now do with my own children.

Had my parents ever said that they wouldn’t do this again for any reason whatever…. I would just tell them how much I had appreciated all they’d done in the past and that I completely understood

As I said its pocket money!

Of course your DH can feel however he wants, but I would suggest it’s unusual for a parent to feel ‘financially responsible’ for any adult children. Maybe it’s the language, we wording here that’s giving you pause for thought?

I think it is also unusual for a parent to be so regularly proviing adult children with money, as if they somehow aren’t independent or able to fend for themselves. I think I might find it slightly demeaning.

My own father was always generous with money, and he’d often press a tenner into my hand at the end of a visit ‘for your petrol costs’. I’d always protest, say it wasn’t necessary but he’d say, shhh, don’t tell your mother! I am pretty sure I was earning far more than he had when he was working but I saw that his actions gave him pleasure. Maybe it’s the same feeling for your DH?

If you don’t begrudge the regular payouts and you can, as a couple, afford it, then it doesn’t seem much of a problem. Do you know how the children feel about it?

But so what? Why shouldn't they give their kids some fun money if they can afford it?

I’ll try to answer more questions.

I love my DC, I’m not sure where anyone gets that I don’t like them.
The sum of money we gift each of them isn’t a monthly allowance, it’s for tax efficiency and to our knowledge, they put it into an ISA. If we stopped the monthly gifting, I don’t think they’d be that bothered as they don’t use it for bills, etc, but if they wanted or needed to, it’s their choice, there’s no conditions on what they do with it.
There are no apron strings being held here, my DH suggested we gift and I agreed. Yes it comes out of his pension income as his is much, much higher than mine. He pays tax on his income, I don’t get enough to pay tax. I’m not going to explain further than that.
I would sometimes prefer that we use this gift money for additional treats for us I feel that although we’re fortunate to travel across the year, we differ in the choice of accommodation we have so I’d prefer upwards of say 3 star, he’ll generally go for just 3 star, sounds petty but there it is, that’s just an example of how differently we view how much we spend on things. I’d also like to do additional days out/lunch out for us as that was something we never did when we were working. I also do sometimes feel a bit overlooked and taken for granted which I know is a separate issue and not something for this thread.
I spend more on personal items from the money I receive than he does as he’s not one for new clothes, shoes etc like I am, personal choice at the end of the day.
I agree it’s sad that I’m not particularly close to our DC, I was the one around much more when they were growing up and we jointly spend time with them now but it’s an active process to gain closeness back. That said, for me, it’s a delicate balance to be a part of their lives but to also enjoy our own retirement while we’re still fit and active enough to benefit from having the money to travel and live a good life.
Neither of us had any financial help from our parents aside from the very occasional gift of a bit of cash from my parents when they received a few K from shares or whatever. I think this is partly why my DH likes to gift as we are in a position to do that. Longer term, it’s about the inheritance tax issue for which we are actively seeking specialist advice.
To answer @Musicaltheatremum we have detailed spreadsheets showing the income and gift amounts but I appreciate the heads up.
@Weekendnaughtiness we both help them out practically and we are both involved regularly however, I’m more conscious of not creating an expectation or entitlement as I have a few health concerns that DH doesn’t have and I’m more concerned that those health issues, although not major, may have an impact further down the line and I might like to have the option of the private route rather than the NHS one. I have a family member who has been waiting 18 months for an appointment with a consultant for a particular problem, never mind how long they might have to wait for any surgery.
@BlackRowan I’m not telling him he can or can’t feel something, mine and his opinions differ and neither of us is right or wrong. What I’m doing is getting other opinions to try to work out if I’m being unreasonable to feel how I do, he could do the same if he wanted to. It’s trying to find a middle ground and working out other stuff around the feelings we both have.
@Cherrytree86 selling our home and gifting them the money isn’t as simple as that for various reasons and not something we will be doing at this point or in the foreseeable.
@PrizedPickledPopcorn you may well be right
@MidnightMeltdown he didn’t work away when the DC were younger but he did work long hours and could often go 3/4 days without seeing them

Crikey, that was a long reply and a lot for me to think about in terms of my relationships

There may be two aspects to the financial responsibility that your DH is talking about. One might be that he thinks you need to support their daily spending. The other is the knowledge that they will get their share of the money one day and he wants that to be as much (and as usefully timed) as possible.

If inheritance tax is going to be an issue then it is sensible to transfer some of that wealth to them now. Money does not "go off" (give or take inflation, which is why you put money that you won't need for some time into something like a low-cost FTSE or S&P index tracker fund), and if you can stay alive for 7 years, then it's out of the estate. Basically you have to weigh up the value of that money to you now versus the added value to the children of (a) having it now and (b) not having IHT take a chunk away.

Of course, this also requires you to trust that they will not "waste" the money, whatever that might mean to you. For some people it would be if they spent it on holidays, while for others it might be if they just shoved it in the bank instead of reducing their mortgage or whatever. Nobody here can advise you on the contents of that, only that you need to consider how everyone will feel about the deal.

FWIW, we (66/68) have been slowly giving our kids (mid-30s) quite a bit of our total net worth over the last few years, first to get them on the housing ladder and then to have a cushion for unemployment (AI is coming for both their jobs) and also to put something into their partners' businesses. We have more than enough and we would not feel good about going on cruises while they were still renting or driving a crap car. On the other hand they are both very sensible about money and we know that it will not end up going up their noses or supporting a Fabergé Egg habit.

in our situation the fact there is no need is what makes it pleasurable. Ds is independent and we give him money for ‘treats’ eg to spend on holiday, to go out for a meal to celebrate passing his professional exams etc.

Wow! I got precisely nothing from anyone but have managed to give each of them £20k but that's all. I live on a pension now so there's no more in the bank. Does giving them everything disenfranchise them?

OP, your latest update just makes me feel sad for you. You seem really disconnected from your family.

And why not?
my dm used to give me money for a meal on holiday and I was in my fifties!

Every month?

My point is in my original post.

But I don't understand your issue with it?

I don’t think the amounts my parents sometimes gave me would ever be described as “pocket money”!!