DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

What’s your point?

I also paid £6k for my dad’s funeral. And I pay £2k a year to take my mother on holiday.

Yet again - weddings and uni are not ‘longterm, ongoing’ financial support.

Nor did I ever criticise OP for giving grandchild childcare.

I’m chuckling at this point

I’m looking forward to other freedoms and experiences. I’d rather support them financially if I can.

But only if large amounts and for certain specific things that I agree with (but definitely not weddings despite pocketing £23k from my own folks) . And I am happy to buy them iPads, phones and other very expensive gifts. Oh and I’ll pay their rent and tuition throughout uni. And I’ll support them in early years of career. Cool

I think it's a bit odd to feel financially responsible for dc in their 30's. Surely the ultimate goal by this age is for your dc to have good jobs, be financially independent and able to live their lives without relying on parents for money.
Which is an entirely different situation to just wanting to ''treat ' your adult dc.

So reading all of your posts op. I think you feel you heavily sacrificed in your 30s and 40s, and now you have some money finally you would dearly love to enjoy some of it on the finer things in life, but your dh keeps rerouting the money to the children. Have you spoken to him about this?

I expect you see the bill and expenditure only increasing with the arrival of GC.

The fact you do not enjoy close relationships with dc only compounds this lack of fairness.

I think you need to talk this all through and reorganise your finances so you can enjoy some of this hard fought funds. You deserve to enjoy your money op.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions but I can see why you think my posts are contradictory. I’m getting muddled because I’m probably reading them too quickly and getting them mixed up with other posts that are going off on a bit of a tangent. I’m also concerned about being outing so I think when trying to be careful with what information I’m giving, I’m probably losing track of what I’ve written. So to clarify:

I was a SAHM for many years, when I returned to work I started to build a pension which obviously stopped when I stopped working in my mid 50’s. The reasons I stopped working are not relevant to this thread. Overall, I was only paying into a pension for about 9 years, hence the small amount I receive. Other than clothing, haircuts etc, what I receive I spend on both of us, not just me.

My DH worked very long hours for years building his career, which without my support and me being a SAHM, he wouldn’t have been able to do. He built up a wonderful pension as he was a high earner.

I don’t object to him gifting some of our money to our DC and I would feel the same if my relationship with them was better than it is. I don’t want our money to be spent on just me but on us as a couple. I do rely on my DH’s income as I don’t have enough income myself to pay our bills, food shopping etc and as I’m in my 60’s, I’m not planning on going back to work, neither is he.
If my DH wants to spend money on himself, of course he can, I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all.

I do want to get closer to my DC, as I’ve mentioned more than once, it’s a work in progress and will be ongoing for however long it takes. There are many threads on here about parents and DC and their relationships which are worse than my situation.

Sorry you’re grimacing.

Thank you, you seem to get it but you missed the bit where I said we have GC who we provide regular childcare for.
DH and I do discuss our finances regularly and we are taking advice on them as we look to our future and what options are available to us regarding inheritance for our DC.

' I do rely on my DH’s income as I don’t have enough income myself to pay our bills, food shopping etc and as I’m in my 60’s, I’m not planning on going back to work, neither is he.'

Why on earth did you take ' early ' retirement when you couldn't afford it ? in your mid fifties !
Your husband has a higher pension because he earned more and worked for many more years than you.

At least when you are 67 you will be better off ? tho if you only worked for 9 years, are you entitled to the full state pension ?

I didn’t miss your childcare arrangement, but didn’t include that in your financial outlay ( even though your children benefit from this too)

If you are doing all of this, and feel your children are distant and not close, it must be pretty galling.

You don’t need our permission to step back and rein in your relentless investment in children that don’t appreciate you?

The reasons I retired early aren’t relevant to this thread and could be outing, suffice to say, my DH suggested it due to our circumstances at the time. He was more than happy to support me and we’ve managed well financially since.

I do have enough years to get full state pension as I started work at 16, and calculating back, I did work for more than 9 years, it was only about 9 years that I was enrolled in a workplace pension, mainly because the enrolment scheme wasn’t a thing when I returned to work after being a SAHM. I also got NI credits when I was in receipt of CB.
When we both get our state pensions, that will be added to our joint income.

I’m sure our DC do appreciate what we do, that’s what they tell us anyway. I also think the distance is on both sides. It’s very disappointing and sad that there’s a distance between us but I believe it can be fixed given time and lots of effort, which we’re working on,

I was too late to edit my first reply to you but I didn’t just sacrifice my 30’s and 40’s, it was my 20’s too as I had the first DC in my early 20’s and times were tough for us then, like they were for a lot of people.

I do realise how fortunate DH and I are now and I really appreciate what we have and as much of it is down to my DH, together we’ve brought up DC who all have a great work ethic, they all live happy and fulfilled lives and we’re extremely proud of them. Despite the lack of closeness now, we’ve done a bloody good job at raising them to be wonderful human beings.

y. I also think the distance is on both sides.

what do you mean?

* we’ve brought up DC who all have a great work ethic, they all live happy and fulfilled lives and we’re extremely proud of them. Despite the lack of closeness now, we’ve done a bloody good job at raising them to be wonderful human beings.*

so genuinely baffled why you started this thread

and why your follow up posts indicate you feel very much on the outskirts

Just that. I don’t want to be the parent that lives their life through their DC, maybe I’ve come across as not wanting to be involved in their lives and that’s not helped 🤷‍♀️

I agree! No point in being the richest person in the graveyard! Or handing half of it to the taxman when your kids could have benefited from it directly years before.
I know quite a few people who get monthly
or lump sums to avoid tax or just because their parents can. Why not! I’ll do the same for my kids if Im able to.