DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

What’s your point?

I also paid £6k for my dad’s funeral. And I pay £2k a year to take my mother on holiday.

Yet again - weddings and uni are not ‘longterm, ongoing’ financial support.

Nor did I ever criticise OP for giving grandchild childcare.

I’m chuckling at this point

I’m looking forward to other freedoms and experiences. I’d rather support them financially if I can.

But only if large amounts and for certain specific things that I agree with (but definitely not weddings despite pocketing £23k from my own folks) . And I am happy to buy them iPads, phones and other very expensive gifts. Oh and I’ll pay their rent and tuition throughout uni. And I’ll support them in early years of career. Cool

I think it's a bit odd to feel financially responsible for dc in their 30's. Surely the ultimate goal by this age is for your dc to have good jobs, be financially independent and able to live their lives without relying on parents for money.
Which is an entirely different situation to just wanting to ''treat ' your adult dc.

So reading all of your posts op. I think you feel you heavily sacrificed in your 30s and 40s, and now you have some money finally you would dearly love to enjoy some of it on the finer things in life, but your dh keeps rerouting the money to the children. Have you spoken to him about this?

I expect you see the bill and expenditure only increasing with the arrival of GC.

The fact you do not enjoy close relationships with dc only compounds this lack of fairness.

I think you need to talk this all through and reorganise your finances so you can enjoy some of this hard fought funds. You deserve to enjoy your money op.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions but I can see why you think my posts are contradictory. I’m getting muddled because I’m probably reading them too quickly and getting them mixed up with other posts that are going off on a bit of a tangent. I’m also concerned about being outing so I think when trying to be careful with what information I’m giving, I’m probably losing track of what I’ve written. So to clarify:

I was a SAHM for many years, when I returned to work I started to build a pension which obviously stopped when I stopped working in my mid 50’s. The reasons I stopped working are not relevant to this thread. Overall, I was only paying into a pension for about 9 years, hence the small amount I receive. Other than clothing, haircuts etc, what I receive I spend on both of us, not just me.

My DH worked very long hours for years building his career, which without my support and me being a SAHM, he wouldn’t have been able to do. He built up a wonderful pension as he was a high earner.

I don’t object to him gifting some of our money to our DC and I would feel the same if my relationship with them was better than it is. I don’t want our money to be spent on just me but on us as a couple. I do rely on my DH’s income as I don’t have enough income myself to pay our bills, food shopping etc and as I’m in my 60’s, I’m not planning on going back to work, neither is he.
If my DH wants to spend money on himself, of course he can, I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all.

I do want to get closer to my DC, as I’ve mentioned more than once, it’s a work in progress and will be ongoing for however long it takes. There are many threads on here about parents and DC and their relationships which are worse than my situation.

Sorry you’re grimacing.

Thank you, you seem to get it but you missed the bit where I said we have GC who we provide regular childcare for.
DH and I do discuss our finances regularly and we are taking advice on them as we look to our future and what options are available to us regarding inheritance for our DC.

' I do rely on my DH’s income as I don’t have enough income myself to pay our bills, food shopping etc and as I’m in my 60’s, I’m not planning on going back to work, neither is he.'

Why on earth did you take ' early ' retirement when you couldn't afford it ? in your mid fifties !
Your husband has a higher pension because he earned more and worked for many more years than you.

At least when you are 67 you will be better off ? tho if you only worked for 9 years, are you entitled to the full state pension ?

I didn’t miss your childcare arrangement, but didn’t include that in your financial outlay ( even though your children benefit from this too)

If you are doing all of this, and feel your children are distant and not close, it must be pretty galling.

You don’t need our permission to step back and rein in your relentless investment in children that don’t appreciate you?

The reasons I retired early aren’t relevant to this thread and could be outing, suffice to say, my DH suggested it due to our circumstances at the time. He was more than happy to support me and we’ve managed well financially since.

I do have enough years to get full state pension as I started work at 16, and calculating back, I did work for more than 9 years, it was only about 9 years that I was enrolled in a workplace pension, mainly because the enrolment scheme wasn’t a thing when I returned to work after being a SAHM. I also got NI credits when I was in receipt of CB.
When we both get our state pensions, that will be added to our joint income.

I’m sure our DC do appreciate what we do, that’s what they tell us anyway. I also think the distance is on both sides. It’s very disappointing and sad that there’s a distance between us but I believe it can be fixed given time and lots of effort, which we’re working on,

I was too late to edit my first reply to you but I didn’t just sacrifice my 30’s and 40’s, it was my 20’s too as I had the first DC in my early 20’s and times were tough for us then, like they were for a lot of people.

I do realise how fortunate DH and I are now and I really appreciate what we have and as much of it is down to my DH, together we’ve brought up DC who all have a great work ethic, they all live happy and fulfilled lives and we’re extremely proud of them. Despite the lack of closeness now, we’ve done a bloody good job at raising them to be wonderful human beings.

y. I also think the distance is on both sides.

what do you mean?

* we’ve brought up DC who all have a great work ethic, they all live happy and fulfilled lives and we’re extremely proud of them. Despite the lack of closeness now, we’ve done a bloody good job at raising them to be wonderful human beings.*

so genuinely baffled why you started this thread

and why your follow up posts indicate you feel very much on the outskirts

Just that. I don’t want to be the parent that lives their life through their DC, maybe I’ve come across as not wanting to be involved in their lives and that’s not helped 🤷‍♀️

I agree! No point in being the richest person in the graveyard! Or handing half of it to the taxman when your kids could have benefited from it directly years before.
I know quite a few people who get monthly
or lump sums to avoid tax or just because their parents can. Why not! I’ll do the same for my kids if Im able to.

Our kids are both early 20s. Both graduates, one has master’s and one part way through. Eldest lives with his girlfriend, youngest is at home. They both have good jobs but not on huge salaries (eldest 43k, youngest 32k)

We feel it’s our duty to help them out financially as much as we can. Youngest is at home so doesn’t have any outgoings. The eldest lives in London and doesn’t have much spare, so we happily help out with expenses where needed. My parents were always really kind and generous to us, we will do the same for as long as we can. We are both on good salaries, there’s no point in squirrelling our money away.

My parents helped me out financially when I split from exh furnishing mine & ds new home. They helped me & my brother as adults helping us buy cars & a motorbike for my brother, they also helped him when he split from his partner in the same way when I got divorced. I now help ds even though he is married when I can.

Well.... this thread is showing me we could probably get rid of the triple lock with little impact 😆

What does age have to do with anything? They are my children, and we will help them in any way we can as long as we are both still breathing, it doesn't have to just be financial.

My parents weren't able to help financially, but they would have if they could. But helped in other ways, decorating, child care, however life is much harder for young people; there is no point in keeping money tied up to give to the tax man in 30 years. It's much better to help out when you can, and they need it.

We have been fortunate to put them through private school, pay their university fee and give a deposit for their houses, which has given them a big help in life, but they have always been appreciative, understand they are very fortunate and don't take it for granted. They both have great careers where they can support themselves, but we would help them both in the blink of an eye if needed. My husband will give them gift to remain tax-efficient.

So they are distant from you and…
You are distant from them “because I don’t want to be the parent that lives their life through the DC”

That is how you regard parents who want to be and are close to their adult children?

I never had any financial help as a teenager/ young adult but my mum did lots of school runs for my children when my husband left and refused to help. My mum helped me for years with this. As a shift worker I couldn’t just pay for childcare so she allowed me to keep my career so this has basically saved me thousands of pounds. I have had 2 promotions since then. I will be comfortable when I retire. That was because of her. She knew how grateful I was.

With my children I have given them what I consider a lot of financial help considering I’m a single parent. I have given eldest a house deposit and have one for the younger one when he is ready. I paid for driving lessons and first cars for them both.

My siblings and I are going to inherit some money soon as my mum has passed away and I am selling her house now. My share will be split between me and my children.

Following that the children know they have to make their own way going forward. I will then focus on myself and getting myself in a good position for retirement. I have a good pension already so I’m not too worried. I would help if needed but ultimately want to keep my money for myself primarily at that point.

So I think you and your husband have been very, very generous. I don’t think giving money every month is necessary but it’s difficult for you to argue if you can afford it as a couple. I don’t think it necessarily causes people to be entitled.
I would have appreciated some financial help when learning to drive etc but I am very grateful for the childcare help I got.

The best inheritance you can leave your adult DCs is to have rock solid plans drawn up so they don’t have to physically care for you if the time arises.

This means power of attorney with explicit health and welfare sections, having discussions when you are still in sound mind about what your wishes are if you are not and being proactive about adaptations in your house as you age e.g. walk in showers etc. It’s also extremely helpful if you have enough money for home care and ideally care homes.

My DH worked very long hours for years building his career, which without my support and me being a SAHM, he wouldn’t have been able to

god I hate when women do this, yes he would hsve been able to do it. Outsourced child care is a thing. And you were fifty percent responsible.

snd you do wish the money spent on you. Yes to do things with your husband, but he’s not focused on these things you are. So you’ve barely worked, have a tiny pension and resent the fact your husband gifts you as you want even more treats,

I can’t see how you will ever get close to your children, you come across as very selfish,

No it doesn’t at all, you can graciously accept something offered to, or it’s insisted on you having without feeling like you’re entitled to it.
Your prejudice of this is making you conflate to different things, it’s very obvious.

I mean you quite literally have multiple people on the thread telling you they receive regular financial contributions from parents of large means but they don’t feel entitled or owed this money, and even though you aren’t actually in this situation you are claiming you know more about how people in that situation feel.

Clearly you feel if you received financial contributions from someone you would feel entitled to it if it was over a period of time. That’s projecting.

OP, you want to enjoy retirement! You want to be able to buy new clothes and makeup and stay in better hotels than 3 stars - absolutely not unreasonable at all! It’s your money and you earned the right to enjoy it!

oh and you are totally right to be thinking you need to be careful with money as you might want/need to get private healthcare at some point.

Yet some people on here are trying to tell you that you are selfish for this. That you should go without to keep going with this ‘gifting’ for perfectly capable adults who you have already helped loads. it’s INTERNALISED MISOGYNY basically.

oh and my previous post was sarcastic - like fuck do I think you should sell your house to give them even more money!

@Femalefootyfan1