DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

@Velvetandleather

OMG ! A woman wants to spend money on….herself?! I can tell that’s blowing your mind isn’t it?! Also did you miss the bit about Op having health issues and possibly wanting/needing private healthcare in future?

I know people whose parents continually sub them in adult life, monthly amounts in addition to large lump sums along the way and free properties. They are entitled, lazy, out of touch and selfish people. One is a typical trust fund kid - gets about £40,000 a year from a family business they never have to work in. They are so penny pinching and awful. Can’t relate to most other people. I find that those who get given a lot of unearned wealth from their parents are the tightest too. Never the ones to get the round of drinks in first type people.

Do you have a financial planner @Femalefootyfan1 ? If not I wonder if that may help, ours said that a very common issue is people underspending in retirement as it is hard to shift out of accumulation mode. I guess what I am really asking is - are you sure your can’t have the modest lifestyle upgrade you would like and continue to gift out of surplus income to your adult DC. If not then yes, it sounds like and adjustment needs to be made. Compromising your lifestyle to create surplus income like this, when your adult DC are not in real need does not sit right.

I am all for giving money to adult DC out of surplus income as long as it is genuinely surplus and helps them developmentally as well as financially. We are at the earlier stages of this (DH retirement and DC as adult) and it has been very thought provoking to say the least.

Ha ha! It does explain how more middle class peers of mine have been able to afford a much better lifestyle than me on similar wages.

No jealously here, as alow income single parent my dad has not been in a position to help much over the years- he gave us the odd bit of money at university for meals out or trains back, he very generously passed a small inheritance (a couple of thousand) from his father straight to us and there is always the open offer of a free place to come home whenever we need it. I am sure of things ever got really bad he would do whatever he could to help

But similar to some on here, I am now an established adult with a good job, savings and a mortgage and would be deeply ashamed to be taking regular hand outs from my retired parent.

Leaving emotions out of it, small gifts each year is the way to go because of tax, I think (not an expert). Perhaps those small gifts could go into an investment account or similar rather than on daily expenditure?

You’re not financially responsible for them, though it sounds like you’re financially supportive towards them, and why not if you can comfortably afford to.

Is your DH saying you should be doing more than you are already doing?

Don't you know, you can only enjoy these things if you work 23 hours a day until your fingers bleed and your feet fall off and earn it yourself?

God who cares - as a PP said, life can be shit and hard work, it's nice to give the people you love little treats.

My mantra for deciding whether most things actually matter, is that we all die just the same in the end - in this case, whether you earn every penny yourself or someone helps you! You don't get to go round again cos you were a "proper" adult!

I know too many people who had parents that were overbearing and wanted or expected to be involved in every aspect of their lives. That’s not us and it won’t be. We are all allowed to live our lives in the best way we can.
Maybe I went a bit too far from being over involved and that’s created the distance, I think it can be a fine line to get right sometimes.

It is not

Distant from my children OR overbearing

So don’t get bogged down in thinking about what your dh feels and money

the main focus for you AND your Dh should be how to build bridges between you and all of your children

I had a think about how many years I worked for after I read this and it was 25 years all told, so not really ‘barely worked’, auto enrolment wasn’t a thing during the majority of that time and I spent over a decade as a SAHM due to the age gaps between my DC. I only paid into a pension for 9 years hence why it’s small, not tiny.
So, using my example of a better hotel room, is it only me who benefits from that? No.
I don’t resent my DC being gifted amounts to help with tax efficiency, I’ve said several times that was something we agreed on and further down the line when we can out plans into place for their financial futures, it will be what we, as a partnership, agree on.

The whole point of my thread was to ask if I’m BU, clearly I am then.

The litmus test for me is are you financially supporting your DCs to such an extent that their lifestyle is better than yours.
So when they go on holiday what class of hotel do they stay in, if it’s 3 star or self catering then fair enough, but if they’re using your contributions to enjoy a better lifestyle than you yourself can enjoy, then you’re giving them too much.

I am wondering about this "tax efficiency" excuse. You by your own admission, have a negligible pension. Just how big is your DH's pension that he worries about it being subject to inheritance tax (given I assume you are both healthy and at the younger end of retired)? Bearing in mind the the nil band if couples combine allowances is £1million.

Is your DH actually making odd financial decisions based in an unfounded fear of IHT? Older peole can become obsessed with.this stuff and make sub optimal financial decisions as a result - see people who sign up to didgy tax avoidance schemes for their houses because they are needlessly worried about IHT or care fees.

Your post at 9:01 reads like you don't like that your kids get more which means you get less.

I suggest you focus less on the money and more on the relationship between them, as it seems you have partly decided to do.

Now, our DC are all adults and have a great work ethic that they learned from seeing us work hard. They all have excellent financial sense and will be teaching their own DC the same things they learned.

I am really baffled then that you have even the slightest issue with your very very very comfortably off DH gifting your children

Ok, I’ll try to answer some more questions.

@Weekendnaughtiness our opinions clearly differ, being overbearing can also create problems. If I had an overbearing Mum or MIL, I’d distance myself too as I’d prefer to live my life in the way I feel is best for my family not how someone else thinks I should.

@rookiemere their lifestyle isn’t better than our but it’s better than ours was when we were their ages. As far as we know, they are putting the gift money into ISA’s, however, it’s theirs to choose what they do with it, there are no strings attached.

@CherryBlossom321 i think you’ve got it right, we are financially supportive and always have been if it’s been needed. Mine and DH’s views on that differ but you’ve put it better than I have, thank you.

@GordonBuzz we do have a financial advisor and yes, we could have a bit of an upgrade to our lifestyle without compromising our gift money.

There’s not much more I want to add, I’m being very careful to not give any information that could be outing. There are a lot of different circumstances at play for why DH and I feel differently about all this but overall, we are on the same page. I think, reading my comments back, I’ve not explained it too well at times, my bad but yes, I’m probably coming across as a bit selfish therefore I need to do some work on myself.

I appreciate the comments from everyone and now I’m off to enjoy my day.

What on earth are you talking about

my point was it’s not

distant OR overbearing!!!

If you live in the south east of England your house can easily take up the majority of that and if they own a second property that’s probably the whole million gone. I do agree people should obviously check it out!

Op can you explain why you don’t feel close to your children? I could understand if they had gone off to Australia pursuing careers and you only hear from them three times a year.
However you seem to suggest that your DH has a closer relationship than you which I think is very unusual if you were a SAHM. Surely by circumstance you would have spent more time with them and been more involved in their lives?

The only concerns I would have with this is

1. Is it adversely affecting you and dh financially?
2. When he dies will they be lost, adrift and helpless? I mean, are they learning to be independent?
3. Is he using this as a form of control? Or is the relationship healthy and happy?

their lifestyle isn’t better than our but it’s better than ours was when we were their ages. As far as we know, they are putting the gift money into ISA’s, however, it’s theirs to choose what they do with it, there are no strings attached.

Isn’t that what parents want for their children though??

Well no, if my DCs were enjoying a five star luxury lifestyle which we were subsidising through slumming it at three stars, then that’s not what I want at all.
I did worry that we’ve given DS artificially high standards by taking him on luxury holidays as a child, but when he went interrailing with his pals they seemed happy enough to bunk up in hostels. I would like him to see the world and explore, but not at the cost of his own self motivation to earn a good living and not at the cost of our comfortable retirement.

But that’s not whats happening.