AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

The arrogance is very real. If you read any thread by an OW on here, it’s all ‘me me me’. No concern about the poor wife or impact on any children at all.

I haven’t said people are wrong but alright I didn’t come on here to argue

They didn’t have children ?

Again I don’t get it.

You say that you have no regrets and would do nothing in respect to this situation differently even if you could rewind time.

So what’s “delusional”?

I think your response suggests this topic is very personal to you, and I'm sorry if that's because of something you've experienced.

That said, relationships aren't always black and white. People can have affairs without setting out to do so, and that doesn't automatically make them evil or incapable of change. Some go on to be completely faithful, and genuinely happy, in future relationships, including with the person the affair began with. A flourishing relationship can still grow from a situation that started the wrong way.

You don't have to approve of it, but it's also unfair to believe one mistake has to define someone forever.

But this not being one of them?

I don’t agree with people having affairs. If you are in an unhappy marriage then leave it and seek love after. If someone has cheated then you can guarantee they will cheat again

Yeah. I am above it. Some things I won't do. And calling someone arrogant for standing by their own personal principles is beyond fucked up and frankly I think its arrogant to insist a total stranger can't stand by her own principles just because you can't imagine it personally.

Many men, this one included, can’t quite motivate themselves to leave an unhappy marriage until they have an alternative awaiting for them

You've only been married for 15 years. There's plenty of time for one or both of you to start cheating again.

What do you think people want from the OP ?

Yes it does seem rather… premature to be starting this thread.

As I say, I’d have thought the Op was coming at this from the perspective of someone who’d been married more than 50 years

Nah.

Shitty is as shitty does.

True I’ll give it a bit more time

My stance isnt arrogant, just realistic.

I'm sure if you asked the majority of people who have had an affair / punched someone in the heat of the moment / done even darker things that we know have happened throughout history - they'd have said the exact same self-congratulatory garbage you are. You know before they did it. That they never would, how could you even say such a thing!

You, like most people, will likely never find yourself in a set of circumstances where you find out - but that's an entirely different issue. You will in all probability go to your grave thinking you remained a fundamentally better human being so you can rest easy, don't fret any more.

Well really you’ll have to wait until it falls down dead

This is a disingenuous question and I don't believe that you don't know the answer. Honestly, truly don't know why you're going all wide eyed about it but I suspect I shouldn't indulge it. On the off chance that it's sincere (it's not), don't worry your head about it.

You think we want some kind of sign the op feels contrite or guilty? Nah! I am a bit surprised how the op doesn’t seem to give a hoot about whether or not he cheats or even whether they got together

"This is a disingenuous question"

Why ?

"On the off chance that it's sincere (it's not), don't worry your head about it."

Are you unable to answer the question without being patronising?

Really? This is a serious question?

Do you ask that of the 50% of married couples who end up divorcing? How did they not just SEE it wasn't going to work out before they got married? Would have saved everyone lot of bother.

I think I would always be wondering: he deceived and betrayed his first wife so how sure can I be that he wouldn’t do it to me too, if temptation came his way?

I do trust him it’s one of those where I’m not going to spend my marriage worrying about it. I’ve never doubted that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I agreed to marry him so if it all goes wrong that’s not necessarily anyone fault but my own but I trust him

Yes, it is a serious question.

She claimed that he was "not so nice" and that's a character trait that would eventually have become apparent.

People get divorced for all sorts of reasons that are not based on character flaws eg in-laws interfering, problems with children, money problems such as redundancy, chronic illness, becoming disabled, responsibilities with elderly parents etc.

No. I don't know how to answer such a disingenuous question, with such an obvious answer, without being patronising. Just like I couldn't avoid being patronising if you asked me what 2 plus 2 is. It's actually more respectful to you, I think, to respond directly and address the fact that we all know the question is disingenuous and the answer is not, in fact, beyond your understanding.

I admit I don't know why you want to pretend that you've no idea what people want when they hammer the OP about how evil and shitty she is and how she'll definitely get cheated on and cosmic justice and all the rest of it. But I also don't much care, and it's not my thread.

I'll just repeat that it's obvious these people aren't going to get what they want from her, so in my view they should stop trying because it's a total waste of time.

I'm friends with an elderly couple who recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. When they first met, he was married to someone else and not happy in the marriage.
When he told her he was seeing someone else, his wife divorced him and apparently his parents took his wife's side and said his new girlfriend wouldn't last!